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How to Survive a Zombie Invasion

Fighting Zombies

No matter how skilled you are at slinking around in the night, you’ll eventually have to fight, and when push comes to flesh eating, you can’t take chances. Listen, you’ve got zombies, zombies coming at you. Just start shooting, seriously. You can find more ammo. If by some bizarre circumstance you run out of ammo, pick up something and start bashing. Go for the heads, but if that’s too hard, just go crazy until they’re pretty much just clouds of undead vapor (try not to inhale any of it). Here are a few vital tips to keep in mind:

Stick together – You ever seen a movie or game in which someone doesn’t die immediately after the team is split up?

 

 

 


Above: TEAMWORK! 

Avoid irony – Make a remark which has the potential for irony, and you’re almost certainly going to be the horde’s next victim. Especially avoid sarcasm. Some examples are:
 
• “Yeah, right, the undead? I don’t believe in any of that Voodoo nonsen-aaaaaaghhhh!”
• “Everyone okay? Good… I think we got them all, and we’re all still aliiiiiiiiigghhhhhhhhhhh!”
• “What is this, some kind of joke? I suppose you’re all making that face so that I think there’s a zombie behind me right now, huh? Yeah, and he’s gonna take a big bite out of my heeeaaaaaaaarrrrghhhh!”

Look for crates – Crates almost always contain something good. If you don’t see any crates around, look in cabinets – you’d be surprised how many homeowners keep hunting rifles and combat shotguns in their armoires.

Close doors – If you’ve played Left 4 Dead recently, you should know that zombies can’t open doors. It’s not so much that they lack the cognitive power to understand latch and hinge mechanisms - even dogs can figure that out - it’s just that they tend to favor more dramatic entries. In fact, as a general rule, if it would be scarier, or look cooler, that’s what a zombie will do. Busting through a door with brute force is much more impressive than opening it and casually strolling in, but since zombies aren’t particularly strong, it can take them several hours to knock down a single door.

Distract them with light – Zombies are attracted to any source of light, which is why you should turn off your flashlight when you think they’re near (night vision goggles help) and carry several flares on you to use as decoys. Tip: Tape an LED keychain light to your buddy’s back for a great practical joke!

Don’t let them get too close – Most zombies can’t run, which is mostly because they’re dead. Given this, you should be able to keep the horde from getting too close. If you have any aiming ability (and I assume you’ve played enough videogames that you do, because we all know they train kids to shoot like pros), keep the undead at a safe distance and pick them off with a rifle. If not, you may have to get closer and use a shotgun. Either way, don’t let yourself get surrounded. If you are surrounded, there’s a 74% chance that someone will drop a rope from a helicopter and pull you to safety as the horde’s outstretched arms futilely grope at your legs – but those odds aren’t good enough to risk it.


Above: MOST zombies can’t run 

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124 comments

  • lionarthegreat - August 21, 2009 4:40 p.m.

    i would survive i would just drive north and then i would only worry for half a year because of winter u southerners are pretty screwed
  • FrozenImplosion - July 31, 2009 7:22 p.m.

    I loved the practical joke haha, this is the best article I've seen on GR for a while!!!
  • fhern - July 30, 2009 4:13 a.m.

    i want to play this but i cannot? why?
  • ResidentEvilJunkie - July 26, 2009 9:45 p.m.

    This article sounds an awful lot like Max Brooks' "Zombie Survival Guide"
  • lostsouls - July 24, 2009 12:19 p.m.

    another sing of zombies large amounts of military setting up in your town and evacuations are in progress
  • sk8tingninjainda206 - July 24, 2009 2:46 a.m.

    yes thank you for agreeing now i can show people at the gun store for buying so much ammo and weapons lmao what a great article
  • deadslayer97 - July 23, 2009 9:55 p.m.

    yep it is pretty much the zombie survival guide......only worse.the sniper crowbar was pretty funny though!
  • MojoSmelz - July 23, 2009 7:42 p.m.

    yeh i agree with GamerTagsSuck because like in the english television program called dead set the 'zombies' do eventually break into the big brother set so unless you have a gun then your basically screw to say the least.
  • Thegamingkid - July 22, 2009 5:54 p.m.

    actully, what the best thing to do in a zombie outbreak is to go to the nearest gun shop, and shoot yourself. BAM, don't gotta worry, cause every one is Dead, And/Or Undead
  • Unoriginal - July 22, 2009 4:05 p.m.

    I now owe Mr. Wilde my life prematurely. Outstanding article, and now Im late for work, I just had to finish first. Why am I commenting, gotta go!
  • SteelStreet - July 22, 2009 12:43 a.m.

    You got alot of this stuff from xbox official magizine zombie edition. But hey it is still funny.
  • Synster - July 21, 2009 10:11 p.m.

    Ha. "MOST Zombies can't run". Anyways. By chance, was this article inspired by The Zombie Survival Guide? That book is pure Genius.
  • JustAPlayer - July 21, 2009 1:45 p.m.

    Well, just like everyone (at least the good shooters) i would go to the top of a Gun's Shop, i would pick up Sniper, and shoot all incoming body, as long as i have food i'll be ok
  • curly_jefferson - July 21, 2009 12:19 p.m.

    So many funnies.
  • whitesall - July 21, 2009 5:23 a.m.

    bring on the zombies im ready to beat there ass... ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! just kidding thanks for the addvice im more then ready to kick zombie ass!!!!!!
  • captfuzzo - July 20, 2009 8:48 p.m.

    even though in evil dead those arn't zombies there deadadites i consider them zombies
  • UnrealCanine - July 20, 2009 6:23 p.m.

    Shaun spits away in Shaun of the Dead and survives
  • thelonewolf501 - July 20, 2009 6:19 p.m.

    i live near a natiol(dont know the word) guard armory so incase of zombie invasion (or any other disater) i know where to go ill be safe for months.
  • SolidSnyder94 - July 20, 2009 3:09 p.m.

    This is so lame. A word-for-word copy of a special zombie-edition magazine I bought...how long ago? At least 6 months. I hope that the publishers know you guys are doing this.
  • cookie23q - July 20, 2009 1:54 p.m.

    owsome article wylde man kkep up the gold

Showing 1-20 of 124 comments

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