How to Survive a Zombie Invasion

Defensive Measures

Know how people always say “The best defense is a good offense?” Those people are stupid assholes. Sure, you won’t have a problem defending yourself if you kill all of the zombies, but you’re never going to do that, unless maybe you have a nuclear bomb, in which case you’ll die too. So what then, people who repeat trite phrases?

Well, there is no perfect zombie defense structure, but any well fortified building will do for a while. Of course, you can’t stay any longer than your water and food rations will last, so you’d better hope your rescue is swift (unless you have a replicator from Star Trek or something, but in that case, just teleport out of there and go on more crazy space adventures!). More commonly, outbreak survivors choose to risk life and brain and dash out of the infected area, generally with guns blazing, and possibly with no holds barred. But if you do decide to stick out the invasion and wait for rescue, you’ll want to be in a building with thick fire doors, caged windows, and some kind of soundproofing (so they can’t hear you, and you don’t have to hear them). Either that, or a mall, the old standby (not particularly recommended).

If, however, you’re more into the whole making a last stand with nothing but a pistol and mean look in your eye type of thing, there are a few points to consider before you face the horde.

Without external protection, a routine zombie encounter can easily be your last - one bite and it’s all moaning and outstretched arms for you. So a thick, bite-proof coating will serve you well. Put on as much leather as possible. A motorcycle helmet can’t hurt either, and it’ll make you look really cool. If you’re a woman, however, some kind of slinky red dress or short skirt will provide adequate protection. Fact: male zombies are highly intimidated by displays of sexuality, and female zombies can easily become self conscious when confronted by whole, non-decomposed figures.

Any injury that might delay your escape could be fatal, so be sure to carry a basic first aid kit in case you break a leg, shoot yourself in the foot, or just decide to end it all the painless way. Do be sure to pack several bottles of pain killers (raid your local pharmacy!), as they’ll be necessary if physical pain starts slowing you down, or you just feel like getting silly for a bit.

In the case that you’re traveling on foot, remember to wear comfortable shoes, such as combat boots with lots of cool latches and zippers or high heels. If traveling by car, it’s recommended that you barrel through obstacles with no regard for the structural integrity of the vehicle. Running over large groups of zombies will probably cause very little damage to the vehicle, assuming that it’s not American made - we hear American auto manufacturers have been making a few cutbacks lately.

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  • Cyberninja - July 17, 2009 10:51 p.m.

    whens then next invasion so i can now how long i have to live
  • Jacob816 - July 17, 2009 11:33 p.m.

    This is the funniest article (not written by Paul Ryan) I have ever read on GR.
  • Scott1121 - July 17, 2009 11:42 p.m.

    my zombie killing weapon of choice would definitely be the sniper crowbar
  • foxhound - July 17, 2009 11:43 p.m.

    if call of duty has taught us anything its that occasional zombies carry nuclear weapons only harmful to the undead also if you find a box covered in ?'s open it and take any alien weapons you can find they were abundant in world war 2
  • Jordo141 - July 17, 2009 11:57 p.m.

  • skylar24 - July 18, 2009 12:09 a.m.

    i would totally suvive there r alot of blunt objects around my house oddly.
  • noobeater - July 18, 2009 12:16 a.m.

    round of applause you deserve it funniest thing i have read on GamesRadar sniper crowbar is pure genius in such as situation id run to the nearest RAF base with my xbox 360 a block of kitchen knives and the power tools stashed in my shed.. oh and a REALLY long extension cable. lol reCAPTURE: 'was drilling' drilling zombie skulls with said power drills
  • Mozez - July 18, 2009 12:30 a.m.

    ill easily survive the zombie apocalypse by getting on my boat with plenty of supplies and going off shore because everybody knows zombies cant swim
  • GamerTagsSuck - July 18, 2009 12:52 a.m.

    I read The Zombie Survival Guide. This seems kinda stupid after that. But it's still funny. And mozez, they can't swim but you must realize that they can still walk on the bottom and climb up. I suggest getting and isolated island safehouse ready if you want your plan to even partially work.
  • Ninja-KiLLR - July 18, 2009 1:19 a.m.

    the first page got me hooked
  • GoldenMe - July 18, 2009 1:19 a.m.

    I see a few people read The Zombie Survival Guide. I have to admit, but after reading that, this article is not so funny. Sadly. But hey, good work Tyler.
  • barrage7667 - July 18, 2009 1:25 a.m.

  • Frootaloom - July 18, 2009 2:10 a.m.

    Oh god I can't wait for the zombie apocalypse, I've been ready for years.
  • Vagrant - July 18, 2009 2:47 a.m.

    I have a feeling you just had this on your computer typed up for the guys in the office. Since you're next to the Umbrella Corporation or whatever. ALSO NERDY NITPICKS ABOUT THE PART ABOUT THE GLOCKS WHERE YOU HAD A PICTURE OF A BERETTA M9 AND YOU CLAIMED SCULLY AND MULDER USE GLOCKS BUT THEY USUALLY USE SIG SAUER P22SOMETHINGS!!!! (plus I think you'd want a gun with an external safety. A Glock 17 seems more likely to cause friendly fire)
  • BurntToShreds - July 18, 2009 3:05 a.m.

    I would just grab as many metal baseball bats as possible and carry them in a backpack. Also, any shovels I can find in the garage. Recaptcha: dolphins 117
  • phoenix_wings - July 18, 2009 3:41 a.m.

    This reminds me of LegendaryFrog's "I Am Resident Evil." One of the funniest flash videos about RE I've ever seen. Crates also for pushing, not just for smashing.
  • ricangamer28 - July 18, 2009 4:33 a.m.

    i have a poster of the Tank on my wall.....he my work out motivation;)
  • EmmaXII - July 18, 2009 9:04 a.m.

    Now we know. . . AND KNOWLEDGE IS POWER! I would've said Chuck Norris!
  • CosmicSmeghead - July 18, 2009 10:14 a.m.

    In Left 4 Dead they weren't zombies, they were rage infected people, bent on ripping people to shreds. Still found this really good though great work GR.
  • Furyspittles - July 18, 2009 11:13 a.m.

    Everyone, even the game, refers to them as zombies though. Technicalities FTL.

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