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How to Survive a Zombie Invasion

Defensive Measures

Know how people always say “The best defense is a good offense?” Those people are stupid assholes. Sure, you won’t have a problem defending yourself if you kill all of the zombies, but you’re never going to do that, unless maybe you have a nuclear bomb, in which case you’ll die too. So what then, people who repeat trite phrases?

Well, there is no perfect zombie defense structure, but any well fortified building will do for a while. Of course, you can’t stay any longer than your water and food rations will last, so you’d better hope your rescue is swift (unless you have a replicator from Star Trek or something, but in that case, just teleport out of there and go on more crazy space adventures!). More commonly, outbreak survivors choose to risk life and brain and dash out of the infected area, generally with guns blazing, and possibly with no holds barred. But if you do decide to stick out the invasion and wait for rescue, you’ll want to be in a building with thick fire doors, caged windows, and some kind of soundproofing (so they can’t hear you, and you don’t have to hear them). Either that, or a mall, the old standby (not particularly recommended).

If, however, you’re more into the whole making a last stand with nothing but a pistol and mean look in your eye type of thing, there are a few points to consider before you face the horde.

Armor
Without external protection, a routine zombie encounter can easily be your last - one bite and it’s all moaning and outstretched arms for you. So a thick, bite-proof coating will serve you well. Put on as much leather as possible. A motorcycle helmet can’t hurt either, and it’ll make you look really cool. If you’re a woman, however, some kind of slinky red dress or short skirt will provide adequate protection. Fact: male zombies are highly intimidated by displays of sexuality, and female zombies can easily become self conscious when confronted by whole, non-decomposed figures.

Aid
Any injury that might delay your escape could be fatal, so be sure to carry a basic first aid kit in case you break a leg, shoot yourself in the foot, or just decide to end it all the painless way. Do be sure to pack several bottles of pain killers (raid your local pharmacy!), as they’ll be necessary if physical pain starts slowing you down, or you just feel like getting silly for a bit.

Transportation
In the case that you’re traveling on foot, remember to wear comfortable shoes, such as combat boots with lots of cool latches and zippers or high heels. If traveling by car, it’s recommended that you barrel through obstacles with no regard for the structural integrity of the vehicle. Running over large groups of zombies will probably cause very little damage to the vehicle, assuming that it’s not American made - we hear American auto manufacturers have been making a few cutbacks lately.

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124 comments

  • lionarthegreat - August 21, 2009 4:40 p.m.

    i would survive i would just drive north and then i would only worry for half a year because of winter u southerners are pretty screwed
  • FrozenImplosion - July 31, 2009 7:22 p.m.

    I loved the practical joke haha, this is the best article I've seen on GR for a while!!!
  • fhern - July 30, 2009 4:13 a.m.

    i want to play this but i cannot? why?
  • ResidentEvilJunkie - July 26, 2009 9:45 p.m.

    This article sounds an awful lot like Max Brooks' "Zombie Survival Guide"
  • lostsouls - July 24, 2009 12:19 p.m.

    another sing of zombies large amounts of military setting up in your town and evacuations are in progress
  • sk8tingninjainda206 - July 24, 2009 2:46 a.m.

    yes thank you for agreeing now i can show people at the gun store for buying so much ammo and weapons lmao what a great article
  • deadslayer97 - July 23, 2009 9:55 p.m.

    yep it is pretty much the zombie survival guide......only worse.the sniper crowbar was pretty funny though!
  • MojoSmelz - July 23, 2009 7:42 p.m.

    yeh i agree with GamerTagsSuck because like in the english television program called dead set the 'zombies' do eventually break into the big brother set so unless you have a gun then your basically screw to say the least.
  • Thegamingkid - July 22, 2009 5:54 p.m.

    actully, what the best thing to do in a zombie outbreak is to go to the nearest gun shop, and shoot yourself. BAM, don't gotta worry, cause every one is Dead, And/Or Undead
  • Unoriginal - July 22, 2009 4:05 p.m.

    I now owe Mr. Wilde my life prematurely. Outstanding article, and now Im late for work, I just had to finish first. Why am I commenting, gotta go!
  • SteelStreet - July 22, 2009 12:43 a.m.

    You got alot of this stuff from xbox official magizine zombie edition. But hey it is still funny.
  • Synster - July 21, 2009 10:11 p.m.

    Ha. "MOST Zombies can't run". Anyways. By chance, was this article inspired by The Zombie Survival Guide? That book is pure Genius.
  • JustAPlayer - July 21, 2009 1:45 p.m.

    Well, just like everyone (at least the good shooters) i would go to the top of a Gun's Shop, i would pick up Sniper, and shoot all incoming body, as long as i have food i'll be ok
  • curly_jefferson - July 21, 2009 12:19 p.m.

    So many funnies.
  • whitesall - July 21, 2009 5:23 a.m.

    bring on the zombies im ready to beat there ass... ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! just kidding thanks for the addvice im more then ready to kick zombie ass!!!!!!
  • captfuzzo - July 20, 2009 8:48 p.m.

    even though in evil dead those arn't zombies there deadadites i consider them zombies
  • UnrealCanine - July 20, 2009 6:23 p.m.

    Shaun spits away in Shaun of the Dead and survives
  • thelonewolf501 - July 20, 2009 6:19 p.m.

    i live near a natiol(dont know the word) guard armory so incase of zombie invasion (or any other disater) i know where to go ill be safe for months.
  • SolidSnyder94 - July 20, 2009 3:09 p.m.

    This is so lame. A word-for-word copy of a special zombie-edition magazine I bought...how long ago? At least 6 months. I hope that the publishers know you guys are doing this.
  • cookie23q - July 20, 2009 1:54 p.m.

    owsome article wylde man kkep up the gold

Showing 1-20 of 124 comments

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