How to spot a secretly evil game character

They're a 'helpful' voice in your ear...

Stabbing you in the back in: Crackdown (The narrator), Far Cry (Doyle), Metal Gear Solid (Master Miller)

Dude, never, ever listen to that little voice in your head. Sure, it might seem like our radio contact is trying to be a bud and help us in an hour of need. But, most of the time, they’re just concocting a diabolical scheme designed to rob us of our freewill, in the hope we’ll do their murderous bidding. And the reason they choose to communicate with us over the airwaves? Simple. Because meeting them in the flesh would expose their top hat and super villain twirly moustache…or some weird, and really gross, evil face rash.

They're a sassy chick...

Stabbing you in the back in: Dead Space (Kendra Daniels) Mirror’s Edge (Celeste), Half-Life 2 (Dr. Judith Mossman)

It’s undeniable, ‘only 38% bullshit’ fact that all video game girls can be broken down in two categories. Either they’re a martial arts or sports enthusiast cursed with giant hooters that’ll one day give them chronic back pain, or they’re brainy types with smart mouths. Anyone who comes across the latter be warned: said character is almost definitely a bigger bitch than Eva Brown, Paris Hilton and Cruella Deville combined. Put sassy and smarts together in a game girl and we’re left with one hell of a traitorous, soon-to-be murderous, cocktail.

They're a (non animal) sidekick...

Stabbing you in the back in: Infamous (Zeke), GTA IV (Dimitri Rascalov - Faustin's sidekick ), Stranglehold (Jerry Ying)

Any sidekick that isn’t an adorable marsupial in suspenders is almost certainly secretly evil. There’s only one reason these comedic companions shun the limelight: so they can use the darkness to sneak up on our character and shiv them in the spine. Every one of these journeyman jerks clearly wants the spotlight to themselves. They’re just too cowardly to get their evil on in front of our character. That’s why they conspire against us, usually teaming up with the game’s real big bad to royally mess up our mojo.



  • moribundman - March 9, 2010 12:48 p.m.

    Hmm. Spot on, except your British accents one is so utterly wrong on every single level... Pretty sketchy way to start the article. Harry is Australian, Atlas is as Irish as Irish can get (not Nar'n Ar'sh at all) and Alec Trevelyan doesn't even speak in the game, so what you're doing there is confusing it with the movie... All in all not one of those characters is even close to being an example of a British bad guy, and it's not like you're short on choice. As a matter of interest how many villains (hidden or not) have US accents, and doesn't James Bond also have a British accent?
  • noobeater - February 25, 2010 9:17 p.m.

    British are always villains, the best example is hannibal, also i can't help but think the british GR have finally toppled the GR USA stranglehold, which is quality.
  • Cyndur - February 25, 2010 3:10 a.m.

    shouldnt Bioshock also be in the "They're a 'helpful' voice in your ear..." category?
  • jackthemenace - February 24, 2010 7:33 p.m.

    lovin the "they're the king of all gods" bit :D
  • FreekinIdiot - February 24, 2010 11:56 a.m.

    @bayssa Twat, a slang term for - Gammon goal posts Beef Curtains Piss Flaps Hairy Axe Wound Clunge C**t Butchers Bin Hanging Gardens Bearded Clam Flange Gash VAGINA!
  • bayssa - February 24, 2010 5:36 a.m.

    what does TWAT means?
  • nik41507 - February 24, 2010 2:06 a.m.

    WAIT Yoda is like 900 and Obi Wan and him were the mentors of Luke
  • EnragedTortoise1 - February 24, 2010 1:03 a.m.

    Didn't see Flynn coming, but I know never to trust British people now. However I saw Azimuith's betrayal coming from a mile away. Oh, what, he turned on me? Finally... reCAPTCHA: sushi enthusiast Oddly specific...
  • Cyberninja - February 24, 2010 12:26 a.m.

    @xboxrulez at my school A i already sit at a lunch table full of girls and B to many people play cod on xbox 24/7 so i would be hated and is one of my reasons for getting a ps3.
  • NadaNuff - February 23, 2010 10:04 p.m.

    I shouldn't have read this article, too many spoilers. Question: I played InFamous all the way through, and I STILL don't remember Zeke backstabbin' me. Memory refresher? That game was kinda forgettable.
  • philipshaw - February 23, 2010 1:52 p.m.

    Atlas has a Dublin accent so not British and shouldn't be included in this article. Apart from that it was a great article and all the entries are spot on
  • gilgamesh310 - February 23, 2010 1:45 p.m.

    Atlas should have been included as a helpfull voice in ur ear, he has an accent from the republic of Ireland.
  • speno93 - February 23, 2010 7:02 a.m.

    remind me never to talk to any videogame characters as i have a british accent and im afraid they'll shoot me on sight!
  • reaperman22 - February 23, 2010 6:15 a.m.

    well you can almost sum this up and say pretty much everyone in the gta universe
  • phgreat1 - February 23, 2010 5:50 a.m.

    Master Miller wasn't evil. It was Liquid! Neither was Major Zero. He was just trying to follow The Boss' will. Though he misinterpreted it. It was the Patriot's AI that was evil.
  • Vitoruss1 - February 23, 2010 4:52 a.m.

    How does Atlas qualify for the 'accent' and NOT for the 'voice in your ear'?? That's like... that's a real fail. And you spelled "Ryder" wrong.
  • Cwf2008 - February 23, 2010 3:41 a.m.

    One more thing: @xboxrulez: SHUT THE FUCK UP reCAPTCHA: for gouraud. Ya for gouraud shut the fuck up
  • Cwf2008 - February 23, 2010 3:40 a.m.

    @feeheelee: Actually Great Britian only emcompasses i believe Scottland and Wales and England, whereas the UK encompasses GB and Northern Ireland. YOu need to buy a map "smart one"
  • brickman409 - February 23, 2010 1:21 a.m.

    what about the old guy from modern warfare 2?
  • darklink123 - February 23, 2010 1:13 a.m.

    -=SPOILERS ALERT=- I can't believe you forgot GLaDOS under helpful voices in your ear that betray you.

Showing 1-20 of 47 comments

Join the Discussion
Add a comment (HTML tags are not allowed.)
Characters remaining: 5000