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How to make sure Transformers: War for Cybertron does not suck

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Insecticons!:

The greatest Transformer sub-group to ever exist surely has to be the Insections. Sure, some may argue for the Dinobots, but they are supremely overrated. It's all about Shrapnel, Kickback and Bombshell. These sadistic, eccentric, perpetually hungry villains stole the spotlight in every G1 episode they appeared in, and who could disagree with the fact that they just look awesome?

Okay, so this is merely fanboy wishing more than anything else, but the Insecticons really do deserve an in-game appearance at some point in time. We know Cybertron doesn't actually have any insects on it, but... maybe there are space weevils they could emulate?


The Touch:

If you really want to make sure that a Transformers game doesn't suck, then you are required by the laws of common sense to include "The Touch", Stan Bush’s iconic song from the original Transformers movie. If it's not included, then how are you expected to know that we have both the touch AND the power, which the lyrics clearly state? We simply wouldn't realize. There's nothing worse than thinking you have the power without the touch, or vice versa. It doesn't bear thinking about how one goes through life believing they have neither.


Above: Gamestop just used it in an ad for the game

"The Touch" is, of course, the best song to have ever been written by human hands. In fact, many scholars attest that it wasn't even created by humans, but by a cosmic entity that visited Earth in the Before Times and buried it in the ocean, hoping that one day a man would prove worthy enough to be entrusted with its immeasurable potential. Thus it was, thus always shall it be.


Never take anything from the Michael Bay movies. Never ever ever:

When War for Cybertron was first announced, it appeared that High Moon may have been trying to go for a compromise between the original G1 Transformers and the Michael Bay abortions that ruined everybody's lives. We love influences from the former. We abhor those from the latter. Don't let anything from the recent Hollywood shams infect this game, because those movies form a cancer that, to this very day, is still consuming the rotted-out husk of our collective childhood.

It's no surprise that this game, which has nothing to do with Michael Bay, is looking good, while the last Transformers game, based on Revenge of the Fallen, absolutely sucked the scrote of a dozen dirty dalmations. Hopefully the two properties haven't already been exposed to each other, and War for Cybertron can make its way to store shelves without contamination.


Make it good:

Y'know... couldn't hurt to try!

Jun 3, 2010

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31 comments

  • zigs - June 7, 2010 11:25 a.m.

    "The Touch" was released as DLC for Guitar Hero, so hopefully that means Activision either has the rights to include it in War for Cybertron, or that it'll be easy enough to get the rights again.
  • Heyexclamationpoint - June 6, 2010 11:30 p.m.

    Add another vote towards "The Insecticons were never as cool and awesome as the Constructicons." Oh, and one more piece of advice for the developers: nothing about Beast Wars, please? captcha: urinals to urinals to what?
  • Zeb364 - June 6, 2010 11:05 p.m.

    I'm not a transformers G1 fan at all but I am a bit interested in this game thanks in no small part to One of Swords (a.k.a. Mr. Dan Amrich). He's been doing so many interviews and stuff for it that I couldn't help but be intrigued. Then I saw that Jim Sterling wrote this article and I had to read it. You know that at the very least it will be good for a laugh.
  • Spybreak8 - June 6, 2010 10:16 p.m.

    I really don't care who they have to vocie the bots as long as the game plays good and fun. I've seen a lot of good stuff about this game but you never know until the masses get their hands on it. Seriously though my money is tied up with Starcraft 2 CE.
  • slimjim441 - June 5, 2010 6:58 p.m.

    Why are there so many spam comments tainting this holy article?! And I agree with TheVoid, the Constructicons are better the Insecticons. Especally considering Shrapnel's stupid echo thing is retarded. But they are better than the Dinobots, because all of their voices are even worse.
  • Shrimpandwhitewine - June 5, 2010 3:28 a.m.

    Hahaha this was a fantastic article. "Michael Bay abortions that ruined everyone's lives" - couldn't have been put better :D
  • TheVoid - June 4, 2010 9:35 p.m.

    So I have a question. If in Transformers The Movie (the only one that matters, to be clear), Hot Rod ulimately became Rodimus Prime, does that mean Optimus Prime was originally Hot Opt? Scary thought, right there. Rodimus Prime...ugh. As much as the animated movie towers over Bay's horrifying turds (much like Devastator over the Insecticons - BOOM!), the movie's "future" toy line really sucked, didn't it? I mean, seriously, after watching the movie, who was going to run out and buy Kup? Or Wreck-Gar? Mind you I have no qualms with the "modern day" line up released around the same time. The likes of Ultra Magnus and even Perceptor get a pass in my book.
  • AgentHonor - June 4, 2010 9:32 p.m.

    2 words for the driving/ vehicle car combat: Twisted Metal, just rip the control scheme for that and your set, and they dont need to adjust the controls too much because the button layout is already good.
  • TheVoid - June 4, 2010 9:22 p.m.

    Jim, you have made my day. Regarding controls - the TalkRadar interview with one of the developers revealed that the robot and vehicle controls would be nearly identical, which kind of makes sense, but then again might suffer too much from "trying to cram a square peg into a triangle hole" syndrome. Hopefully they test the crap out of it before release. As for your Insecticons comment, allow this G1 fanboy to counter with another subgroup that both figuratively and literally stands taller: The Constructicons! Are you seriously going to try and tell me that the Insecticons - cool as they are - could rival the sheer might of Devastator!? Although the Insecticons did have that cool echo voice thing going on, I suppose... Regarding "The Touch", what more can be said other than the fact that your having worked this into the article clearly means you have both the Touch *and* the Power. I remember shitting my pants when that song surfaced quite unexpectedly in Boogie Nights. However I personally think that "Instruments of Destruction" would have worked better for that Gamestop ad, although the fact they they enjoyably referenced the beloved original movie at all is commendable. It is as if Gamestop themselves decided to join in on the "finally, someone has the balls to break this beloved franchise free from the grasp of Michael Bay and move it back into revered territory" celebration. Expectations are running quite high on this one, aren't they? How cool would it be if High Moon actually delivered? I guess we will just have to wait and see. Although I suppose the simple fact that they are trying to do the franchise justice while blantantly painting over Bay's molested versions definitely counts for something.
  • SausageLozenge - June 4, 2010 9:07 p.m.

    Dare! Dare to believe this game can be good!
  • lttsy - June 4, 2010 9:06 p.m.

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  • AA95mp - June 4, 2010 7:36 p.m.

    i hope this game is as amazing as it looks and G1 ftw!
  • Geminiman82 - June 4, 2010 5:03 p.m.

    Jim... I agree 100%! Growing up with the original show, I have high expectations but I believe High Moon will be successful
  • zoestone20 - June 4, 2010 3:08 p.m.

    Who cares!!! My boyfriend thinks the same with me. He- is eight years older than me, lol. We met online at an age gap dating site[_www. A G E R O M A N C E com_]---a nice and free place for Younger- Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Maybe you wanna check out or- tell your friends
  • VercettisShirt - June 4, 2010 1:09 p.m.

    Starscream is my favourite. He'd better be playable.
  • Seabread - June 4, 2010 12:55 p.m.

    Forget The Touch, it's all about Dare!
  • TedZeppelin - June 4, 2010 10:37 a.m.

    They should get Dani Filth, the lead singer from Cradle of Filth to do Starscream's voice. He soulnds exactly like the G1 version in some of their songs.
  • StefanGrey - June 4, 2010 3:48 a.m.

    Tom Kenny does a good jobn of getting the spirit of teh character right, but his voice will always carry too much Sponge Bob to be worthwhile. GO with Doug Parker, who voiced Starscream in his Beast Wars cameo, or just find a really good impersonator.
  • CH3BURASHKA - June 4, 2010 3:42 a.m.

    I do hope you actually send your articles off to the developer, otherwise you're wasting your time. We all know none of these changes will be implemented. PROVE ME WRONG HIGH MOON.
  • DaBadGuy - June 4, 2010 3:36 a.m.

    That ad made Soundwave a badass. Not to say he wasn't already badass, but his badassedness has quintupled and his badassery is nigh unmatched, except for Arcee, for whom there is no equal. Oh, and yeah, if they don't have the Touch, or at least Dare in the game, that would suck, how else would I know that I can fly if I try leaving the past behind. captcha: solar ginger, lol

Showing 1-20 of 31 comments

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