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How classic old games would be marketed today

Tetris

As it was marketed in 1989

 

Ah, good old Tetris. Has there ever been a game with as rampant a one-more-go factor? Unless you count having a heavy crack habit as a game (instantly appealing gameplay, short lifespan, minimal replay value, 5/10) then the chances are, no. The constantly gratifying line destruction. The all-or-nothing tension of waiting for the long block to complete your meticulously-planned tetris. The increasing obsession with that much-needed geometry, that projects bricks onto the inside of your eyelids and haunts your every dream.

As it would be marketed now

 

Hmmm, how could the modern market capitalise on such a beautifully simple and universal experience if it appeared now? Simple really. It's not that they'd be ripping you off of course. Just offering an enhanced experience for those players willing to pay. They'd even probably give players with pre-release registration a few bonus long blocks for half-price. Now there's a valuable incentive.


The Super Mario Bros. series

As it was marketed in 1985

The Mario series has always been a tale of an ordinary, honest, blue-collar man using his natural abilities and winsome tenacity to save the woman he loves. He runs, he jumps, he throws and he kicks, but his high spirits and dedication to the cause are what really get him through.

As it would be marketed now

 

Get with the program, Nintendo! There's Royalty at risk! You don't send a plumber to do a SWAT team's job. Gritty realism is far more important to modern gaming than the folly of whimsically designed, characterful worlds. If a dignitary needs rescuing, you send a shaven-headed marine. Straight in, straight out, and with as much high-speed killing as possible in between. Why be endearing when you can be flesh-searing?


The Dizzy series

As it was marketed in 1992

 

Oh Dizzy, you sweet, naive, foolish egg. Always merrily romping through your Magiclands and Fantasy Worlds with a winning smile and a striving enthusiasm to save the day. Today's gamer would never accept such petty conceits as doing good and saving the world. If the world hasn't already ended before the game even starts, then where are we to get our much needed dose of bleak, hopelessly destructive nihilism?

As it would be marketed now

 

Forget Crystal Kingdom Dizzy. Nowadays we'd demand Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland Dizzy, wherein the only item trading the ovoid one would carry out would involve collecting dead children's severed limbs to supply cannibalistic mutants in exchange for armour-piercing incendiary rounds. After all, if there was anything worth saving, we might have to reconsider killing everything in sight, and we certainly don't want to do that.


Breakout

As it was marketed in 1976

Breakout is an evergreen stalwart of computer, console, mobile phone, browser, and soon no doubt heavily-modified matchbox. And it's stuck around for a reason. It's a perfect, bite-sized mix of action game and puzzler, with instantly accessible gameplay and clear, simple presentation that you'd have to be as intelligent as a rhino's haemorrhoid not to understand.

As it would be marketed now

 

But screw that. No-one will accept simple, clear presentation of a simple, enjoyable game when it can be saturated with eight billion polygons of realistic carnage and Hiroshima-belittling explosions. So what if the game itself is just the same, simple, bat-sliding affair? Just play to the modern gamer's blistering graphical tech-lust and bang out a few ads full of "illustrative footage" and you'll be absolutely fine. Well, usually.


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46 comments

  • Jordo141 - August 27, 2009 3:22 p.m.

    Oh crap, I would like some new Metroid.
  • Pr0fesserCha0s - August 27, 2009 4:05 p.m.

    Funny article XDXDXDXDXD
  • Hobojedi - August 27, 2009 4:17 p.m.

    Hah, you should make more of these, they're really great.
  • Nin10DOH - August 27, 2009 4:50 p.m.

    i want New Bikini Metroid
  • Yeager1122 - August 27, 2009 6:20 p.m.

    So everything today is violent and emo what an age we live in.
  • 2muchGuitarHero - August 27, 2009 6:50 p.m.

    lol '876 ways to waggle' another great article
  • Tomsta666 - August 27, 2009 7:57 p.m.

    Wouldn't surprise me if Metroid Other M turns out like what you done here, considering Team Ninja are at the helm :P reCAPTCHA - fail ous (lol)
  • number1hitjam - August 27, 2009 8:25 p.m.

    I'm pretty sure you're the first gaming website to review crack
  • michaelmcc827 - August 27, 2009 11:01 p.m.

    wow I lol'd hard, so many punches at the problems we have today. Nice job.
  • DrDack - August 27, 2009 11:28 p.m.

    Love the article, but I think the portrayal of Tetris was a little unrealistic. $1.50 is way too cheap for today's capitalist internets!
  • uz_mike222 - August 27, 2009 11:40 p.m.

    @DrDack: i totally agree with you, it should be more like $3.00 per block at the way our gas prices are at! great article like always David! I wouldn't mind to play the New Super Mario series if he was as bad ass as a Marine. and i'd love me some of that Metroid if you know what mean. reCAPTCHA: stop spam. read books.
  • freezestar - August 28, 2009 12:06 a.m.

    anybody who wishes that the joke they made for metroid really happend for metroid or that team ninja made samus look she was from doa is not a metroid fan. metroid is about exploring many diffrent lands (and backtracking.) plus the second thing I said about team ninja is would probobly not happen because a) the metroid series has been on the low side of t for teen. and b)Tomonobu Itagaki is not part of team ninja and I think he is the reason doa beach vollyball exists. and yes i am a guy.
  • freezestar - August 28, 2009 12:08 a.m.

    that team ninja will make
  • adadadad - August 28, 2009 12:09 a.m.

    ohhh shutty the moth, freesestarman
  • Nodoudt - August 28, 2009 1:16 a.m.

    Rest in peace Metroid, I knew thee well... :(
  • PrivateYmo7 - August 28, 2009 1:57 a.m.

    Seriously. adadadad have a serious problem. I always knew Duke will turn emo... Haw Haw!
  • LizarDAZZLE - August 28, 2009 2:08 a.m.

    Poor duke... poor, poor duke...
  • reyalejandro13 - August 28, 2009 4 a.m.

    This actually got me thinking about what games will be like in another 10-15 Years. And, more importantly, what this article would be like in 10-15 years. Like, will games get to the point where Pokemon actually shows blood and burnt flesh? (Charizard used Flamethrower! It Caused 3rd degree Burns!! Super Effective!.) Will Kirby Legitimately eat people? (Copy Ability: Digestion.) Will Games like Kingdom Hearts have Disney characters foregoing their Blunt weaponry for actual swords and dismemberment? (Literally Heartless) WHAT WILL HAPPEN!
  • cheezyphil - August 28, 2009 4:07 a.m.

    That comment on the Tetris thing was funny as shit. 1.50 per block lol

Showing 1-20 of 46 comments

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