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How classic old games would be marketed today

Tetris

As it was marketed in 1989

 

Ah, good old Tetris. Has there ever been a game with as rampant a one-more-go factor? Unless you count having a heavy crack habit as a game (instantly appealing gameplay, short lifespan, minimal replay value, 5/10) then the chances are, no. The constantly gratifying line destruction. The all-or-nothing tension of waiting for the long block to complete your meticulously-planned tetris. The increasing obsession with that much-needed geometry, that projects bricks onto the inside of your eyelids and haunts your every dream.

As it would be marketed now

 

Hmmm, how could the modern market capitalise on such a beautifully simple and universal experience if it appeared now? Simple really. It's not that they'd be ripping you off of course. Just offering an enhanced experience for those players willing to pay. They'd even probably give players with pre-release registration a few bonus long blocks for half-price. Now there's a valuable incentive.


The Super Mario Bros. series

As it was marketed in 1985

The Mario series has always been a tale of an ordinary, honest, blue-collar man using his natural abilities and winsome tenacity to save the woman he loves. He runs, he jumps, he throws and he kicks, but his high spirits and dedication to the cause are what really get him through.

As it would be marketed now

 

Get with the program, Nintendo! There's Royalty at risk! You don't send a plumber to do a SWAT team's job. Gritty realism is far more important to modern gaming than the folly of whimsically designed, characterful worlds. If a dignitary needs rescuing, you send a shaven-headed marine. Straight in, straight out, and with as much high-speed killing as possible in between. Why be endearing when you can be flesh-searing?


The Dizzy series

As it was marketed in 1992

 

Oh Dizzy, you sweet, naive, foolish egg. Always merrily romping through your Magiclands and Fantasy Worlds with a winning smile and a striving enthusiasm to save the day. Today's gamer would never accept such petty conceits as doing good and saving the world. If the world hasn't already ended before the game even starts, then where are we to get our much needed dose of bleak, hopelessly destructive nihilism?

As it would be marketed now

 

Forget Crystal Kingdom Dizzy. Nowadays we'd demand Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland Dizzy, wherein the only item trading the ovoid one would carry out would involve collecting dead children's severed limbs to supply cannibalistic mutants in exchange for armour-piercing incendiary rounds. After all, if there was anything worth saving, we might have to reconsider killing everything in sight, and we certainly don't want to do that.


Breakout

As it was marketed in 1976

Breakout is an evergreen stalwart of computer, console, mobile phone, browser, and soon no doubt heavily-modified matchbox. And it's stuck around for a reason. It's a perfect, bite-sized mix of action game and puzzler, with instantly accessible gameplay and clear, simple presentation that you'd have to be as intelligent as a rhino's haemorrhoid not to understand.

As it would be marketed now

 

But screw that. No-one will accept simple, clear presentation of a simple, enjoyable game when it can be saturated with eight billion polygons of realistic carnage and Hiroshima-belittling explosions. So what if the game itself is just the same, simple, bat-sliding affair? Just play to the modern gamer's blistering graphical tech-lust and bang out a few ads full of "illustrative footage" and you'll be absolutely fine. Well, usually.


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46 comments

  • RAEJagainstthemachine - September 2, 2009 1:37 a.m.

    the only good change was metriod (.Y.) even mortal kombat look sh----
  • helix92 - September 1, 2009 12:39 p.m.

    Ohhhh, don't be silly, Duke turning emo is stupid. That would be as silly as Prince from Prince of Persia turning emo, ha ha ha. *checks Warrior Within cover*... wait... OHHH BALLS
  • coolbeans - August 30, 2009 2:30 a.m.

    So real it hurts! lol
  • Valntyne - August 28, 2009 4:37 p.m.

    New Mario looks like he's out to collect some Nazi scalps...Inglorious Basterds reference, anyone?
  • JayLin22 - August 28, 2009 10:14 a.m.

    Hey, that's an awesome article! I can relate to the "now" marketing - I never realised how far the "just fun" factor has been removed from most modern games...
  • Samael - August 28, 2009 4:14 a.m.

    Hilarious and sad at the same time. I want a sequel.
  • SausageLozenge - August 28, 2009 2:47 a.m.

    Metroid with boob physics? ...Interesting.
  • civver - August 28, 2009 12:42 a.m.

    This article should have been more subtle. It kind of overshot the mark for me. I get what you're trying to say, but the portrayals are too exaggerated.
  • adadadad - August 28, 2009 12:06 a.m.

    @ pocotron :/ the troth has many faces. would yous recognice a broother, if may come to your situation to ask asistance? :/ may hop so. may hop so. ax :/
  • Pocotron - August 27, 2009 11:06 p.m.

    AH $h!t, Xboxrulez is back as adadadad. Fuck. Nice Article BTW I would kill for some: DEAD OR ALIVE EXTREME SAMUS! reCaptcha: cleanup Mexico ...No joke...
  • adadadad - August 27, 2009 10:04 p.m.

    @ embaoladreo broother. :/ may aggree. may want the new halo 3 car on xbl, buy may dnt have the monies /cry :/
  • Embolado - August 27, 2009 9:48 p.m.

    Micro-transactions blow hard
  • MechGyver - August 27, 2009 6:06 p.m.

    Can anyone point me to the nearest suicide booth?please (¬_¬)-
  • adadadad - August 27, 2009 5:58 p.m.

    helo, baby, may back. got the temporeriy restriction from the mood :( sadface. may felt so cold and alone. but broothers, sisters, do no /cry for may. may learnt the leasson. may not use caps. may not cuss ps-3 (although, fingre aches!). may drinkee the phyenix down, and may ok. may love yous. ax
  • Corsair89 - August 27, 2009 5:38 p.m.

    Emo Nukem LOL
  • Ninja-KiLLR - August 27, 2009 4:14 p.m.

    "Unless you count having a heavy crack habit as a game (instantly appealing gameplay, short lifespan, minimal replay value, 5/10)" LMFAO that made my day.
  • silvereye - August 27, 2009 4:10 p.m.

    Duke nukem gopes emo? Samus get her kit off? What an age...
  • Patius - September 9, 2009 3:40 a.m.

    isn't Nintendo kind of doing the new metroid with Zero suit samus and such?
  • Silentboy - August 31, 2009 12:35 p.m.

    The Metroid/DoAX2 one was funny and true. Whats also funny is that Team Ninja, the people who made DoAX's 1 and 2 are making the next Metroid game.
  • hardcore_gamer1990 - August 31, 2009 11:19 a.m.

    New Metroid FTW (in a fanboy way) And new Breakout FTW (in a humour way.) I lol'd

Showing 1-20 of 46 comments

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