How classic old games would be marketed today

Tetris

As it was marketed in 1989

Ah, good old Tetris. Has there ever been a game with as rampant a one-more-go factor? Unless you count having a heavy crack habit as a game (instantly appealing gameplay, short lifespan, minimal replay value, 5/10) then the chances are, no. The constantly gratifying line destruction. The all-or-nothing tension of waiting for the long block to complete your meticulously-planned tetris. The increasing obsession with that much-needed geometry, that projects bricks onto the inside of your eyelids and haunts your every dream.

As it would be marketed now

Hmmm, how could the modern market capitalise on such a beautifully simple and universal experience if it appeared now? Simple really. It's not that they'd be ripping you off of course. Just offering an enhanced experience for those players willing to pay. They'd even probably give players with pre-release registration a few bonus long blocks for half-price. Now there's a valuable incentive.

The Super Mario Bros. series

As it was marketed in 1985

The Mario series has always been a tale of an ordinary, honest, blue-collar man using his natural abilities and winsome tenacity to save the woman he loves. He runs, he jumps, he throws and he kicks, but his high spirits and dedication to the cause are what really get him through.

As it would be marketed now

Get with the program, Nintendo! There's Royalty at risk! You don't send a plumber to do a SWAT team's job. Gritty realism is far more important to modern gaming than the folly of whimsically designed, characterful worlds. If a dignitary needs rescuing, you send a shaven-headed marine. Straight in, straight out, and with as much high-speed killing as possible in between. Why be endearing when you can be flesh-searing?

The Dizzy series

As it was marketed in 1992

Oh Dizzy, you sweet, naive, foolish egg. Always merrily romping through your Magiclands and Fantasy Worlds with a winning smile and a striving enthusiasm to save the day. Today's gamer would never accept such petty conceits as doing good and saving the world. If the world hasn't already ended before the game even starts, then where are we to get our much needed dose of bleak, hopelessly destructive nihilism?

As it would be marketed now

Forget Crystal Kingdom Dizzy. Nowadays we'd demand Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland Dizzy, wherein the only item trading the ovoid one would carry out would involve collecting dead children's severed limbs to supply cannibalistic mutants in exchange for armour-piercing incendiary rounds. After all, if there was anything worth saving, we might have to reconsider killing everything in sight, and we certainly don't want to do that.

Breakout

As it was marketed in 1976

Breakout is an evergreen stalwart of computer, console, mobile phone, browser, and soon no doubt heavily-modified matchbox. And it's stuck around for a reason. It's a perfect, bite-sized mix of action game and puzzler, with instantly accessible gameplay and clear, simple presentation that you'd have to be as intelligent as a rhino's haemorrhoid not to understand.

As it would be marketed now

But screw that. No-one will accept simple, clear presentation of a simple, enjoyable game when it can be saturated with eight billion polygons of realistic carnage and Hiroshima-belittling explosions. So what if the game itself is just the same, simple, bat-sliding affair? Just play to the modern gamer's blistering graphical tech-lust and bang out a few ads full of "illustrative footage" and you'll be absolutely fine. Well, usually.

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