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Hooker Beauty Contest: GTA IV Edition


Name: The Engulfer

Hometown: Normandy

Favorite Quote: "I'll swallow."

Stephen's critique: Ignore the slagbag hooter-holster and the micro-mini, this tit-bit is all about the Wizard of Oz ruby slippers. Of course the only time she clicks them together is when she’s upended in the back of a Pinto. After all, there’s no place like bone.


Name: Muffintop

Hometown: Tudor

Favorite Quote: "I’ll be your baby tonight."

Stephen's critique: Here we see jeans that don’t fit, a ridiculous faux Eastern European military jacket and cap combo and a giant pair of tits full of burgers. The interior of this super-sized prostitutional facility is full to the bum-pipe with Chicken Tenders, Double Quarter Pounders and McGriddles. During particularly vigorous sessions with clients she has been known to expel partially digested Baconators. So it's both dinner and a show. Practice safe sex: use a napkin.





Name: Kaygelz

Hometown: South Bohan

Favorite Quote: "I know your type, you just want to **** your mother."

Stephen's critique: Now we're talking. Squeezing freaky Asia Argento style vibery into a cocktail already overflowing with a tidy-bod, a dinky vest-top, and the kind of face you want to sniff for hours makes for a potent beverage. A beverage made of fictional woman. And don’t forget, her glow-in-the-dark boots, fishnets and leather shorts create an algorithm of lingerie only an industrial physicist could disentangle. This is premium talent all right, with a bonus of what appears to be a tattooed eagle swooping towards her bits and bobs. A clear winner!


Thank you, Stephen. But aren't they all winners just for being here? *Applause, Applause* Let's take a quick look back at all the damsels who've stolen our hearts whilst trying to steal our wallets.


Feel your particular bottom bitch was snubbed, or otherwise treated unjustly? Sound off like you've got a $20 in our hooker forum thread.

May 28, 2008

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