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Hooker Beauty Contest: GTA IV Edition


Name: The Ebony Mattress Monsters

Hometown: South Bohan

Favorite Quote: "You can’t find no better head than this, sugar." (x2!)

Stephen's critique: A two-for-one feedbag of denim and leather, suitable for only the most hearty of appetites. During ‘enjoyment’ it can be difficult to ascertain where one portion ends and the other begins. Satisfied patrons report that there’s a lot of meat under the fat, so bring your butcher’s apron and roasting thermometer.

 

Name: Trickzilla

Hometown: South Bohan

Favorite Quote: "My booty ain’t even interested in that bullshit."

Stephen's critique: Fashioned entirely from misery and uncomfortable groaning, this crab-faced sex-gnome, exudes all the welcome and warmth of a quantum singularity. Literally part of the night, this galactic-level wretch is so elephantine that she generates her own gravitational field. Orbiting her monstrous frame you’ll often see bums cradling flasks of paint stripper and businessmen hoping to ask for "directions." 


Name: Huffy

Hometown: South Bohan

Favorite Quote: "Stop eyeing my titties and **** off!"

Stephen's critique: Above the neck up we're talking Grad School Miss Moneypenny, but look below and it's dime-store tie-dye and quick-release, Velcro fastened undercrackers. Accessorize with a Donna Karen trouser suit and a pair of Louboutin heels and you’ve got a passable date for dinner with the folks. Just check her track marks don’t bleed onto the breadbasket.


Name: Jackie Thompson

Hometown: Tudor

Favorite Quote: Non applicable. She just kicked Niko's ass. What a woman!

Stephen's critique: This bespectacled, chain-smoking, think-face is a scholarly strumpet. Her services can be employed for postprandial discussion, diatribe and cultural analysis, specializing in western philosophy and French existentialism. She also performs a very spirited kinky blacksmith.

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