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Hooker Beauty Contest: GTA IV Edition

In our last GTA Hooker Pageant, we combed through three Grand Theft Auto games worth of Prosty Toots to crown one Prize Pig:


Above: Last month's "winner"

... yeah. Okay... put those last-gen Ladies of the Evening out of your mind, because the consummate professionals of GTA IV are here to strut the concrete catwalk. That’s right, the Hookers of Grand Theft Auto IV have arrived, and despite only coming in white and skinny, or fat and black, they’re positively overflowing with next-gen gutter-glam.

Each contestant is beautiful in their own right, truly the envy of every other in-game poon slinger. Lucky for us, GamesRadar Dictator-4-Life and resident fashion poobah, Stephen Pierce is here to sort out what’s butt. Also, to rival his urbane witticisms the potty-mouthed ladies of Liberty City have a far more fiery tongue than in years’ past. So, those asterisks below will require a bare minimum of four-letter guess work.

And stay tuned after the victory ceremony for an EXCLUSIVE video featuring ribald commentary from our favorite hiz-oes!

 
  

Name: Gunnaria

Hometown: Tudor

Favorite Quote: "You and me baby are going to ****"

Stephen's critique: Partially dragging whoreism into the 2000s, while keeping a singular buttock in the '70's, we find this sartorial collaboration between Lohan’s leggings and Columbo’s mac. She looks a little low-rent with her cheap jewelry, pink hair band and crude make-up but this is because she is. The deliberately crossed legs are a signal to potential clients that the shop is "temporarily closed for refurbishment."


 

Name: Buttamilk

Hometown: Port Tudor

Favorite Quote: "Talk to my rooty-tooty booty."

Stephen's critique: This boulder-chested hobbit’s bringing some chunky Tolkien-style lovin’ right up your ‘shire’. She’s gnarled, and with the sexual flexibility of a Redwood perhaps, but if chainmail or breath-control play’s your game you’ll need something with sturdy foundations. Half price Tuesdays, bring your own bottom beads.

 

Name: Madame Gargamel

Hometown: Steinway

Favorite Quote: "Eat me!"

Stephen's critique: Skinny-ass strumpets are ten-a-penny - but ones with neon-tongues make us look twice. Of course it could be some food? But the only thing that enters this tramp’s mouth regularly is part of another person. Take away the fluoro-rave-tongue and she just looks like every other cookie-cutter, boney-bummed, blonde shit-wit that continues to contaminate modern culture like an Ebola with really expensive teeth. A role on The Hills awaits.

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