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Hitler's greatest hits

Megan’s Law Hitler

From: Persona 2: Innocent Sin 

Year: 1999

Raised from the dead by rumors that he never actually committed suicide, this Hitler is unique among videogame Hitlers for actually fighting with the legendary Spear of Destiny, instead of just aggressively hunting for it. One of the key villains in Persona 2, he’s brought a legion of goons to the game’s Sumaru City, where he intends to raise the Mayan underworld, Xibalba. Somehow, this will in turn enable him to once again rule as dictator.

It’s almost a pity that he’s not really Hitler, but is actually just a disguise worn by the dark Lovecraftian god Nyarlathotep. Also, any badass points are automatically stripped away by the fact that he looks like this:

Above: Just look at that grin. That is a grin that had to go door-to-door and warn all its neighbors that it had just moved in down the block 

Hitler rating:

Not a bad Hitler, in the grand scheme of Hitlers, but a far cry from the best.


Magic Hitler

From: Operation Darkness  

Year: 2008

Operation Darkness had incredible potential to be a great game. A World War II strategy-RPG, it focused on an elite commando unit, made up of werewolves, who specialized in fighting all the bizarre occult bullshit that Hitler supposedly had at his command. Unfortunately, it ended up a miserable slog of a game. So miserable, in fact, that we couldn’t even be bothered to play it to the end to actually kill its annoying version of Hitler.



Above: “On zis day, ze Reich vill move… more stiffly 

We do know some things about him, though. Unlike a lot of the other soldiers you’ll fight, he appears to be kept alive by dint of magic powers. After witnessing his survival of the infamous “Valkyrie” bomb plot, the game’s protagonists take aim with a sniper rifle – only to see the bullet curve around him and hit a bystander.

Also, he apparently summons dragons to fight you after you think you’ve killed him in the game’s second-to-last story mission. We guess that’s pretty cool. Not cool enough to make us want to play through it, but cool nonetheless.


Above: A dragon that may or may not have been summoned by Hitler 

Hitler rating:

He’s barely around, his game is terrible and he doesn’t even sport a swastika on his armband. We don’t care how many goddamn dragons he can summon, we’re sick of talking about him.


Creepy Naked Hitler

From: Bionic Commando Rearmed 

Year: 2008

Unlike the allegedly censored NES version, the creators of the Bionic Commando remake at least tried to make it look like they were covering up the presence of Hitler in their game. You never really see “The Leader’s” full face, because he’s always wearing a respirator mask, and he makes his first appearance partly cloaked in shadows, as he rises up out of his futuristic Nazi superbed to stab his would-be second-in-command, Generalissimo Killt, in the back.


Above: To be fair, we’d kill to hang onto a bed like that, too 

If you spend more than a split-second looking at (the top half of) his face, however, the resemblance to Hitler is almost as obvious as it was in the NES original. Come on, just look at the guy:

There are some key differences, though. For starters, while Master-D was caught by surprise, The Leader actually has time to launch his helicopter gunship and fill your next few minutes of life with missiles and laser beams.

Thankfully, the developers know what the fans want, and none of the above keeps non-Hitler’s head from blowing up even more spectacularly than before.


Above: Good lord, he’s still naked 


Above: In glorious 2D and everything! 

Hitler rating:

The Leader puts up a decent fight and blows up real good, but we’re still going to dock him a point just for not being all up in our faces with his Hitler-ness, like Master-D was.


Hipstler

From: Wolfenstein RPG

Year: 2009

We know it’s supposed to be a more lighthearted version of the action in other Wolfenstein games, but Wolfenstein RPG’s version of Hitler was just another sad reminder that the series still hasn’t given us a rematch with the bastard. Instead, it just gave us these portraits, which – while being unmistakably Der Fuhrer’s face – move the mustache down to his chin, turning the iconic hate-brush into an exceptionally douchey soul patch.

Congratulations, id – you’ve somehow made history’s most loathsome face twice as punchable. Oh, and look at that – we can!


Above: Bro needed to pop his collar anyway 

Hitler rating:

Mar 26, 2010


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29 comments

  • DriveShaft - March 31, 2010 7:59 p.m.

    Surprised no Nazi fan has made a PC hitler game x]
  • Turboash - March 29, 2010 6:35 p.m.

    The image (and sound) of the melting Hitler from Wolf 3D haunted my dreams for weeks afterwards... but then DOOM came along!
  • kaaos - March 29, 2010 2:47 p.m.

    i'd have to say that the best hitler is from wolfstein 3d
  • legory - March 28, 2010 11 p.m.

    I lold at the last hitler rating, i like how you turned the moustache into a soul patch on the meter.
  • Elementskater - March 28, 2010 5:44 a.m.

    ahhhh... good ol' Gamesradar, pushing the limits of society one great article at a time.
  • Weasel - March 28, 2010 4:58 a.m.

    What about the time traveling Hitler with an army of cyborg dinosaurs in 'Time Gentlemen, Please'? That was a pretty jerky Hitler.
  • AntistasBoneShield - March 28, 2010 1:45 a.m.

    So what I gather from this article, without actually reading it yet, is that you are a Nazi Mikel.
  • t3rry747 - March 27, 2010 10:33 p.m.

    the hitler from operation darkness looks like he has man boobs
  • nomnom52 - March 27, 2010 4:56 p.m.

    On the time twist one, the person who stole your body turned it RED not blue. Hitler is also red. Otherwise great article
  • Cyberninja - March 27, 2010 2:47 p.m.

    nintendo is not evil without it i doubt you would even be playing any games right now or be on this website.
  • The4X - March 27, 2010 12:23 p.m.

    If you released this article in Russia, you surely be locked down. But i like it, like all of GR :)
  • philipshaw - March 27, 2010 10:19 a.m.

    Great article and the best way to close out the week of hate
  • jmcgrotty - March 27, 2010 6:06 a.m.

    (Love it that you can't edit prior comments!) Typoed in my last message. Meant to say that Mario even has the moustache happening.
  • jmcgrotty - March 27, 2010 6:04 a.m.

    You forgot the biggest one of all, even if he does have a shaved moustache. Since he is the face of Nintedo, it is obvious that Mario is actually Hitler. Nintendos reign of evil has surpassed 20 years now, with all it's garbage games, and the original Hitler lasted nowhere near that long.
  • theHeadCase - March 27, 2010 4:42 a.m.

    I didn't think it was possible but yes, making hitler's mustache a soul patch does make his face more punchable.
  • understudybass - March 27, 2010 4:33 a.m.

    This is by far the best article i've read on this site. I LOL'd at least once a paragraph. Nice.
  • Sebastian16 - March 27, 2010 4:12 a.m.

    This.... This is amazing!
  • onewingedantista - March 27, 2010 2:52 a.m.

    That Hitler from Persona will haunt my nightmares for years to come.
  • Kenzo - March 27, 2010 2:41 a.m.

    wtf with the soul patch? were they trying to disguise him for all the little children or something?
  • speno93 - March 27, 2010 2:37 a.m.

    @dusty rooster totally agree with you, that throwing knife in your chest is destined to connect with Hitler's eye socket.

Showing 1-20 of 29 comments

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