Megan’s Law Hitler
From: Persona 2: Innocent Sin
Raised from the dead by rumors that he never actually committed suicide, this Hitler is unique among videogame Hitlers for actually fighting with the legendary Spear of Destiny, instead of just aggressively hunting for it. One of the key villains in Persona 2, he’s brought a legion of goons to the game’s Sumaru City, where he intends to raise the Mayan underworld, Xibalba. Somehow, this will in turn enable him to once again rule as dictator.
It’s almost a pity that he’s not really Hitler, but is actually just a disguise worn by the dark Lovecraftian god Nyarlathotep. Also, any badass points are automatically stripped away by the fact that he looks like this:
Above: Just look at that grin. That is a grin that had to go door-to-door and warn all its neighbors that it had just moved in down the block
Not a bad Hitler, in the grand scheme of Hitlers, but a far cry from the best.
From: Operation Darkness
Operation Darkness had incredible potential to be a great game. A World War II strategy-RPG, it focused on an elite commando unit, made up of werewolves, who specialized in fighting all the bizarre occult bullshit that Hitler supposedly had at his command. Unfortunately, it ended up a miserable slog of a game. So miserable, in fact, that we couldn’t even be bothered to play it to the end to actually kill its annoying version of Hitler.
Above: “On zis day, ze Reich vill move… more stiffly”
We do know some things about him, though. Unlike a lot of the other soldiers you’ll fight, he appears to be kept alive by dint of magic powers. After witnessing his survival of the infamous “Valkyrie” bomb plot, the game’s protagonists take aim with a sniper rifle – only to see the bullet curve around him and hit a bystander.
Also, he apparently summons dragons to fight you after you think you’ve killed him in the game’s second-to-last story mission. We guess that’s pretty cool. Not cool enough to make us want to play through it, but cool nonetheless.
Above: A dragon that may or may not have been summoned by Hitler
He’s barely around, his game is terrible and he doesn’t even sport a swastika on his armband. We don’t care how many goddamn dragons he can summon, we’re sick of talking about him.
Creepy Naked Hitler
From: Bionic Commando Rearmed
Unlike the allegedly censored NES version, the creators of the Bionic Commando remake at least tried to make it look like they were covering up the presence of Hitler in their game. You never really see “The Leader’s” full face, because he’s always wearing a respirator mask, and he makes his first appearance partly cloaked in shadows, as he rises up out of his futuristic Nazi superbed to stab his would-be second-in-command, Generalissimo Killt, in the back.
Above: To be fair, we’d kill to hang onto a bed like that, too
If you spend more than a split-second looking at (the top half of) his face, however, the resemblance to Hitler is almost as obvious as it was in the NES original. Come on, just look at the guy:
There are some key differences, though. For starters, while Master-D was caught by surprise, The Leader actually has time to launch his helicopter gunship and fill your next few minutes of life with missiles and laser beams.
Thankfully, the developers know what the fans want, and none of the above keeps non-Hitler’s head from blowing up even more spectacularly than before.
Above: Good lord, he’s still naked
Above: In glorious 2D and everything!
The Leader puts up a decent fight and blows up real good, but we’re still going to dock him a point just for not being all up in our faces with his Hitler-ness, like Master-D was.
From: Wolfenstein RPG
We know it’s supposed to be a more lighthearted version of the action in other Wolfenstein games, but Wolfenstein RPG’s version of Hitler was just another sad reminder that the series still hasn’t given us a rematch with the bastard. Instead, it just gave us these portraits, which – while being unmistakably Der Fuhrer’s face – move the mustache down to his chin, turning the iconic hate-brush into an exceptionally douchey soul patch.
Congratulations, id – you’ve somehow made history’s most loathsome face twice as punchable. Oh, and look at that – we can!
Above: Bro needed to pop his collar anyway
Mar 26, 2010
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