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Hitler's greatest hits

Celebri-Hitler

From: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade 

Year: 1989

This is one of the few in-game Hitlers who doesn’t show up looking for a fight. In fact, he’s almost friendly. He looks it, too – the brushy mustache and button eyes give him the appearance of a slightly bewildered math teacher. In the point-and-click PC adaptation of the third Indiana Jones film, Hitler shows up in Berlin, doing what he does best: waving his arm around stiffly in front of a massive bonfire of dangerous ideas.

Not long after, Indy tries to sneak around behind the scenes, only to come face to face with the man himself in what looks to be a trap. If you’ve seen the movie, though, you’ll know exactly what to do: just give Hitler something to autograph, and he’ll be happy.


Above: “BEST VISHES TO… how again are you spelling ‘Indiana?’” 

Alternately, the game gives you the option to take a swing at Hitler, which is awesome. Or at least it is until Hitler’s bodyguard on the right there notices what you’ve done to his beloved Fuhrer.


Above: Still totally worth it 

Sadly, you don’t even get the satisfaction of laying the bastard out; he just stands there and takes it, and then walks off, unfazed by the attack or Indy’s death. But if you have to die, punching Hitler in the teeth is a pretty good way to go.

Hitler rating:

If you play it by the book, this is a disappointing Hitler, but the option to deck him makes it all worthwhile.


Time Hitler

Time Twist: Rekishi no Katasumi  

Year: 1991

This, hands-down, is one of the strangest games in which I’ve ever spotted a Hitler. Ultra-obscure and never released outside of Japan, Time Twist is a graphical text adventure about a little boy who accidentally unleashes the devil on an unsuspecting world. The devil then steals his body (turning it blue for some reason) and uses it to do evil throughout history, forcing the boy’s soul to chase him down and try to set the past right.

After a quick jaunt through medieval France to save Joan of Arc, the boy wakes up in the body of a man in what appears to be a World War II POW camp (or an exceptionally luxurious concentration camp). It’s then up to players to find escape tunnels and try to get the hell out without alerting the guards or winding up in the cooler too many times.

It isn’t long before Hitler is introduced, in a strange scene where he meets with the devil in his office. Apparently, the two are on good terms.

Back in the prison-escape subplot, the boy’s host makes it to civilization, meets up with a friend named Simon and gets hauled off to apparent freedom in a jeep. Suddenly, there’s a blinding flash, and the Allied escapees are attacked by a glowing blue Hitler in some kind of time tunnel.

After a few attempts at trying to fight him with an RPG-like interface, you’ll have the option to use a charm you’ve been carrying with you through the chapter, at which point there’s another blinding flash and Hitler finds himself cut off from his Satanic powers.

And after that humiliating defeat, the boy and his companions teleport away from Hitler and materialize in a convenient rowboat and paddle off into the sunset.


Above: WHAT 

Meanwhile, there’s a brief interlude with an embarrassed Hitler and an unhappy Satan…


Translation: Hitler: “Please! Please take me with you!”
Devil: “No. Until our contract expires next year, you are duty-bound to perpetrate evil... over and over again”
 

... after which Satan returns to his home planet. (At least, that’s what I assume is happening, since I muddled through this with almost no Japanese skills.)

Hitler rating:

This is the first time we’ve ever had to fight a blue, possibly Satan-possessed Hitler, and dear god we hope it isn’t the last.

Thanks to Kevin Gifford of Magweasel for the actual, non-joke translation. 


Mecha-Hitler

From: Wolfenstein 3D 

Year: 1992

Much as we loved busting Master-D’s head, this is Hitler’s single most iconic videogame appearance, to the point where it’s almost eclipsed the actual man as the first thing that pops into people’s heads when they think about Hitler. Lurking at the end of Wolfenstein 3D’s third episode, the leader of the Third Reich is practically begging to be shot to pieces with a chaingun. But he’s not going without a fight. He’s not going to play fair, either, choosing to face you in a hulking set of power armor equipped with a whopping four chainguns.


Above: Remember back when this seemed excessive? 

Shoot away the power armor, and the real menace was revealed. This Hitler was a lot stockier and more muscular than the real Hitler, who by this point in the war was aging and flabby and probably not capable of hefting a superweapon in each hand. Also, and we could be wrong about this, we’re pretty sure the real Hitler didn’t have glowing red eyes.

Tough as he was, though, he wasn’t invincible, and any persistent player could send him moaning back to hell as a messy wad of blood and organs.


Above: “Eva, auf wiedersFLLRRRRRRRRRRP”

Hitler rating:

This is the biggest, best and most badass Hitler ever to appear in a game, period. If the last Wolfenstein had given us another opportunity to kill him, we guarantee it would have sold less dismally than it did.


Idealistic Young Hitler

From: Command and Conquer: Red Alert 

Year: 1996

There’s really not a whole lot to say about this Hitler, and after the last one, he looks like a little bitch. Targeted for assassination by a time-traveling Albert Einstein, this version of Hitler is introduced to us just as he’s finished one of the shortest prison sentences ever served for the crime of high treason. He then strolls around with a rucksack and no clear plan, other than to whistle a little tune to himself.

His whistling is rudely interrupted, however, when a kindly, middle-aged physicist approaches him and offers to shake hands.

The second he gives into years of social conditioning and accepts the handshake, Hitler’s fate is sealed. The contact with future Einstein instantly envelops him in a wave of energy, erasing him from the timestream.

Good Christ, what a shitty Hitler.

Hitler rating:

This Hitler was deleted from history. Consequently, so is his score.

29 comments

  • DriveShaft - March 31, 2010 7:59 p.m.

    Surprised no Nazi fan has made a PC hitler game x]
  • Turboash - March 29, 2010 6:35 p.m.

    The image (and sound) of the melting Hitler from Wolf 3D haunted my dreams for weeks afterwards... but then DOOM came along!
  • kaaos - March 29, 2010 2:47 p.m.

    i'd have to say that the best hitler is from wolfstein 3d
  • legory - March 28, 2010 11 p.m.

    I lold at the last hitler rating, i like how you turned the moustache into a soul patch on the meter.
  • Elementskater - March 28, 2010 5:44 a.m.

    ahhhh... good ol' Gamesradar, pushing the limits of society one great article at a time.
  • Weasel - March 28, 2010 4:58 a.m.

    What about the time traveling Hitler with an army of cyborg dinosaurs in 'Time Gentlemen, Please'? That was a pretty jerky Hitler.
  • AntistasBoneShield - March 28, 2010 1:45 a.m.

    So what I gather from this article, without actually reading it yet, is that you are a Nazi Mikel.
  • t3rry747 - March 27, 2010 10:33 p.m.

    the hitler from operation darkness looks like he has man boobs
  • nomnom52 - March 27, 2010 4:56 p.m.

    On the time twist one, the person who stole your body turned it RED not blue. Hitler is also red. Otherwise great article
  • Cyberninja - March 27, 2010 2:47 p.m.

    nintendo is not evil without it i doubt you would even be playing any games right now or be on this website.
  • The4X - March 27, 2010 12:23 p.m.

    If you released this article in Russia, you surely be locked down. But i like it, like all of GR :)
  • philipshaw - March 27, 2010 10:19 a.m.

    Great article and the best way to close out the week of hate
  • jmcgrotty - March 27, 2010 6:06 a.m.

    (Love it that you can't edit prior comments!) Typoed in my last message. Meant to say that Mario even has the moustache happening.
  • jmcgrotty - March 27, 2010 6:04 a.m.

    You forgot the biggest one of all, even if he does have a shaved moustache. Since he is the face of Nintedo, it is obvious that Mario is actually Hitler. Nintendos reign of evil has surpassed 20 years now, with all it's garbage games, and the original Hitler lasted nowhere near that long.
  • theHeadCase - March 27, 2010 4:42 a.m.

    I didn't think it was possible but yes, making hitler's mustache a soul patch does make his face more punchable.
  • understudybass - March 27, 2010 4:33 a.m.

    This is by far the best article i've read on this site. I LOL'd at least once a paragraph. Nice.
  • Sebastian16 - March 27, 2010 4:12 a.m.

    This.... This is amazing!
  • onewingedantista - March 27, 2010 2:52 a.m.

    That Hitler from Persona will haunt my nightmares for years to come.
  • Kenzo - March 27, 2010 2:41 a.m.

    wtf with the soul patch? were they trying to disguise him for all the little children or something?
  • speno93 - March 27, 2010 2:37 a.m.

    @dusty rooster totally agree with you, that throwing knife in your chest is destined to connect with Hitler's eye socket.

Showing 1-20 of 29 comments

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