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Grand Theft Radar: 8 new crimes that'll be blamed on GTA IV

Hotboxing


Above: We didn't actually have an image of a car being hotboxed, so the amount of smoke here may be somewhat exaggerated

One of GTA IV's more endearing characters is thick-accented Rastafarian arms dealer Little Jacob, and one of his more endearing habits is getting really, really high. In your car. While demanding you keep the windows rolled up. Break out a window or open the car door once he gets started, and smoke comes billowing out in a thick cloud. Unsurprisingly, this sort of thing is generally frowned on by cops - just ask Method Man

Stealing Telephone Lines


Above: Meh, telephone pole, truck, whatever...

So far as we know, you can't actually steal any of the myriad cables that criss-cross the skyline of Liberty City. You can climb telephone poles, however, and given recent stories about idiot meth freaks trying to make off with big, obvious power lines, we figure it's only a matter of time before something like this happens:

Breaking and Entering

Among the raft of improvements that GTA IV brings to the table is a bunch of seamless interiors, which Niko can wander into off the street with little to no resistance; much like with their cars, the citizens of Liberty don't always bother to lock their front doors. And if Niko can do it, that means kids will do it, right? Better buy an extra deadbolt now to protect yourself from the coming rash of vaguely disinterested teens wandering silently into your home to have a look around like it's effing normal.

 

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5 comments

  • VirAetas - May 3, 2010 3:44 p.m.

    Ahh the media and it's undying affection for GTA and it's "Rape prostitutes with your car that has a bazooka spoiler for easy pedestrian murderizing" stance. Late to the party, I know, but this is a fine article. ps let it be known audio captchas are not only creepy sounding, but impossible. "'hrrvghasdf' type that you haxxor!"
  • cracker33 - November 17, 2009 6 p.m.

    I love how every sample article involves prostitutes dying. It's just like watching the news.
  • hardcore_gamer1990 - November 2, 2008 3:07 p.m.

    amen to that. i read something similar in my local newspaper a while ago, actually. remember the latest harry potter film? neither do i, really, but this woman took her 4 year old kid to see this then blamed the film for giving her son pyromaniac tendancies, like burning his bedroom with her fag lighter (that she conveniently left on his bedside table) anyway, long story short, the film got nearly a months worth of stick because of this stupid woman not understanding what an age restriction is for.
  • QuickSticks45 - August 30, 2008 2:22 p.m.

    Damn Jornalest, they need to stop talking about and making a big deel about a video game, thats just it its a video game its not the games fult its the goddamn parents how buy the games for there children how don't under stand that there is a dif. between reality and fiction.
  • PittsburghPirates - December 18, 2008 7:17 p.m.

    GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!!!! Stop blaming the damn videogame for you doing something messed up!

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