9th Dec, 2008

Just what in the hell is going on with Mario and Peach? It was so simple back in the old NES days of Super Mario Bros. She got herself kidnapped, he went after her with the help of Luigi, and all ended happily ever after. Or so we thought. The thing is that it didn't really. It's become ever more apparent that since that first rescue things have only ever got messier, dirtier and more manipulative in their relationship. Far from the innocent damsel and hero set-up that appeared to be the case in 1985, the relationship between the two of them is now a complicated and twisted story of the user and the used, the ego and its victim, and the puppet-master and the slave.

And what's more, everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom is in on it. Every major inhabitant of said filthy den of fungus deceit has a role to play in the ever more cruel emotional car-wreck being perpetrated, and the shock-waves of that wreck get bigger with every single game. As new characters appear and develop and new stories branch out it's becoming more and more clear how many lies, affairs, and acts of hedonistic degradation are happening on the dark underbelly of the perpetually sunny Kingdom. Tired of the whole treacherous mess, we decided to blow the lid on it all, and we now present to you a character by character analysis of who's doing what with whome, who the victims of the fallout are, and who should damn well know better.