Dec 31, 2007

Congratulations, you survived 2007. Know what that means? It’s time to invent a bunch of uninspired goals and ambitions for the coming year so that next year you can hate yourself for not accomplishing any of them.

It’s an awful tradition that probably shouldn’t exist in any form, but this year we’re changing things. We set down the potent cocktails that we resolved to stop drinking last year and took some time to pen some realistic goals, ones we can really stick to. No, really. Our new goals actually correspond to our gamer sensibilities, unlike those douchey ones like “get out of debt” and “enjoy life more.”

Seeing as we’re incredibly generous, we’ve compiled seven resolution suggestions so that you too can tackle 2008 head on and stab it through its ugly heart with a cold blade of unforgiving willpower.

Read on, set your goals and enjoy another brilliant year of gaming.

7. Stop playing World of Warcraft

Being addicted to “Warcrack” is even more passé than being addicted to MySpace. It’s time to let it go. When trying to kick a bad habit, some find it helpful to replace their current addiction with a new, less damaging addiction. Here are a few things you could be addicted to that aren’t WoW:

-Crack
-Pornography
-Shoplifting
-Sex
-A game that isn’t WoW
-M*A*S*H reruns
-Love
-Those little metal puzzles where you have to get the two pieces apart and it’s really hard

Above: Yeah, this is way better than The Orange Box

If replacing your addiction doesn’t help, just think of what you’re missing by spending all of your time grinding. Remember those games that had, what was it called, endings? What happened to those? We’ll tell you what happened: they made them and you didn’t play them because you were too busy having clan meetings in your secret “no girls allowed” clubhouse.

Pull out your Ethernet cable and go buy The Orange Box. Wait, leave your Ethernet cable in and buy it on Steam. Then play Portal and Episode 2, damn it, you’ve been so cruel by ignoring them.

And don’t actually start doing crack because we told you to, we were only serious about the other ones.