STEELPORT -- On Tuesday night, United States voters made history by electing the first-ever gang leader to the White House. Referring to herself as just “The Boss,” the long-standing leader of the famed Third Street Saints was declared the winner shortly before midnight, though pundits and analysts have been predicting the victory for weeks.
“First of all, she’s basically a celebrity. She lives a very glamorous life,” one voter stated, referring to her well-known history of criminal activity. “Then she saves Washington, D.C. from a giant missile. You just can’t fight that kind of patriotism.”
The Boss rose to fame years ago as an up-and-coming member of Stilwater’s Third Street Saints, a violent gang that eventually moved its headquarters to Steelport. Despite the group’s criminal history, the Saints soon became national icons and local heroes, with The Boss being one of its most recognizable faces.
It’s estimated that our next President has killed hundreds, perhaps thousands, of people, in addition to a laundry list of crimes like arson, theft, kidnapping, and neglecting to use turn signals. But that’s all forgiven now, according to experts. “What’s past is past. People are tired of the usual candidates. All this country cares about now is having a young, cool President who disarms missiles with her bare hands,” a pundit said.
Bolstering the star power on the ballot was The Boss’s Vice Presidential pick, actor Keith David, who addressed a crowd of supporters dressed in purple at campaign headquarters in Steelport tonight. Thanking them for their votes, David said, “I never thought I’d serve as Vice President to one of the most violent, unpredictable people I’ve ever known, but what the hell, it could be fun.”
The Boss told fans that she’s looking forward to moving into the White Crib with her homies, and plans to elect several other members of the Saints to high-ranking positions within the government. Which policy will she try to push forward first? “Oh, I don’t know, maybe I’ll solve world hunger. Or cure cancer. Or sign an executive order to make the American Flag purple. I’m still thinking about it,” she told members of the press.
Not Really News is a weekly feature where we take games too seriously. Check back every week to see us report on the events in games as if they were actually happening. None of this is true, or based on reality, so just sit back and enjoy the silliness.
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