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Gaming's most twisted royalty

The Black Baron (MadWorld)


Above: Even his blood is black 

Royal Derangements: Enjoys swinging a “fat bat into some fat ass.” Need we say more?

Truly the most cultured of video game royalty, the Baron’s personality is so two-dimensional he damn near flattens out his polygons. Responsible for engineering all of MadWorld’s reality TV inspired Bloodbath Challenges, he then demonstrates just how gruesome the results can be by subjecting himself to them.


Above: YO YO YO ETC

Beyond being a blatant stereotype, he's clearly way into watching other people's bodies disintegrate into pink mist almost as much as being personally cut to ribbons himself.


King Koopa/Bowser (Super Mario series)


Above: What he lacks in genitalia, he compensates with tail. Hot, hot tail 

Royal Derangements: Has an unhealthy obsession with Princess Peach, tries to kill Mario one day and plays tennis with him the next. Just all around inconsistent behavior

Leader of a bizarre race of malicious animals and fungi, Bowser is truly a dragon amongst turtles. He breathes fire, is super strong and is fantastic at breeding, as evidenced by his eight children (we're looking at you, Peach). Sadly, he's also one of the industry's most impotent monarchs, as he's been beaten countless times by a human roughly an eighth his size and has had to suffer the ignominy of teaming up with his arch-nemesis on multiple occasions. On the upside, though, damn Koops is FANTASTIC at kidnapping princesses.


The King of All Cosmos (Katamari Damacy)


Above: Oh, the majesty 

Royal Derangements: Suffers from a rare condition called carpet-headitis; wears pants tight enough to shame Yo Gabba Gabba; is very sexually, uhm, enlightened 

Unlike most short-sighted monarchs, who limit themselves to doing irrevocable damage here on earth, The King gets all cosmic on that ass and wipes out every celestial body in existence. Being the caring father that he is, he dispatches his son to earth to clean up his mess by… rolling… things. Because, you know, there’s enough matter on Earth to repopulate the universe. WTF, Japan.


Duke Nukem


Above: We prefer aristocrats with giant guns

Royal Derangements: Aside from a minor ego problem, he has none. He is the perfect human. Hold us, Duke

CIA agent, ladies man, and a master of Ahnuld-worthy one-liners, Duke is truly the cream of the crop of video game royalty. He's been all out of gum since Matt Hazard was in diapers, and whether or not the decade-delayed Duke Nukem Forever lives up to its potential, his legend will endure indefinitely (or at least until aliens discover that our greatest action hero is made out of pixels and decide to actually invade and annihilate us).

Nov 30, 2010

Gaming’s best crusty old men
Characters that fill their colostomy bags with pure win

 


Top 7… Inanimate objects
They’re nothing without you

 


Top 7… Damsels you DON’T want to save
Screw chivalry! These ladies deserve distress

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22 comments

  • FlyinHawaiian13 - December 2, 2010 1:38 a.m.

    I'd like to submit me from Fable 3. I was a bastard.
  • BoondockSaint54 - December 2, 2010 1:21 a.m.

    I've always had such a huge crush on Katana. Ever since MK2. For some reason not Mileena, even though they're almost identical, except for the monster teeth.
  • Yeager1122 - December 2, 2010 12:40 a.m.

    So thats how Bowser does it.
  • skyguy343 - December 1, 2010 11 p.m.

    Woah, when did Gamesradar start dropping F-bombs? Or are freelancers secret badasses?
  • ODmangaz - December 1, 2010 9:50 p.m.

    Wait.....Isn't it Sylvanas, with an 's'? Was last time I logged into WoW...
  • philipshaw - December 1, 2010 7:29 p.m.

    Great article, good to see the black barron on here. "OH HELL NO"
  • Clovin64 - December 1, 2010 10:56 a.m.

    The Black Baron deserves more Talkradar sound effects. His lines never get old!
  • FauxFurry - December 1, 2010 7:02 a.m.

    I'm guessing that the Prince/Princess/King/Queen from Fable 3 doesn't count on account of all of the twisted behavior being optional,even if one can earn the Henry the Eighth achievement for emulating that real life royal pain. No mention of Count Dracula (because he isn't exclusive to games?),Morrigan from DarkStalkers,Sheogorath from Elder Scrolls 4's Shivering Isles (or his counterpart, Jyggalag), Suikoden 2's Luca Blight,Prince/King/Overlord Laharl from Disgaea,Princess Rosalin from Disgaea 2,Caesar from Fallout:New Vegas, King Trode of Dragon Quest 8 (if only for appearance and mannerisms)or even King Kong (Bundy or otherwise)? What an tremendous oversight,that was. I guess that makes you KING vermin!(I couldn't resist an opportunity to make that Final Fantasy 7 reference in an article about royalty!)
  • Lionzest7 - December 1, 2010 5:40 a.m.

    (puts on red shirt) it's Sylvanas Windrunner.
  • Spacegrass - December 1, 2010 4:37 a.m.

    Great article, but all of these monarchs still seem pretty tame. I guess that's because no one's made a Song of Ice and Fire video game.
  • 510BrotherPanda - December 1, 2010 4:26 a.m.

    @BlackElement17 red shirt WoW fan guy: "I NOTICED SOMETHING...IT SAID..." I still think KoAC tops most, even though he's probably the most irresponsible parent ever.
  • EnragedTortoise1 - December 1, 2010 3:57 a.m.

    AW HELL NAW. Well, now I know where that sound effect came from...
  • GameManiac - December 1, 2010 3:15 a.m.

    Not surprised at Peach and Bowser being here. Will their backstory be explained? Probably not.
  • reveffect - December 1, 2010 1:57 a.m.

    I love to smack a fat bat in some fat ass too. Preferably a hot female fat ass xD.
  • TheWerebear - December 1, 2010 12:15 a.m.

    I have to say, I laughed pretty hard when you accused Sylvanis of fellating tree roots, that's just flat out awesome. At the risk of being a WoW dork though, I feel the need to point out that her name is Sylvanis, not Sylvana.
  • Larinah - November 30, 2010 11:03 p.m.

    I couldn't agree more. Duke is the perfect human being. The king of the cosmos is neat too though.
  • BlackElement17 - November 30, 2010 10:09 p.m.

    How dare you mock Lady Sylvana? She single handedly liberated the forsaken from that tyrant Arthas.
  • Sy87 - November 30, 2010 9:58 p.m.

    I hate royalty(except Duke). I like to destroy all kingdoms and royalty beside what makes them royal aside from stepping on the highest rock and saying oh god made me royal obey me cus you can't dispute that. Down with all kings! And I do mean all. Duke Nukem 4 President.
  • celticsfan645 - November 30, 2010 9:25 p.m.

    You Meat DUke Nukem is Fake. This is great news. I can finally go back to the mothership and have the invasion begin. BWAHAHAHAH
  • MrDuracraft - November 30, 2010 9:04 p.m.

    Duke Nukem. I... I see what u did thar.

Showing 1-20 of 22 comments

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