Above: Even his blood is black
Royal Derangements: Enjoys swinging a “fat bat into some fat ass.” Need we say more?
Truly the most cultured of video game royalty, the Baron’s personality is so two-dimensional he damn near flattens out his polygons. Responsible for engineering all of MadWorld’s reality TV inspired Bloodbath Challenges, he then demonstrates just how gruesome the results can be by subjecting himself to them.
Beyond being a blatant stereotype, he's clearly way into watching other people's bodies disintegrate into pink mist almost as much as being personally cut to ribbons himself.
Above: What he lacks in genitalia, he compensates with tail. Hot, hot tail
Royal Derangements: Has an unhealthy obsession with Princess Peach, tries to kill Mario one day and plays tennis with him the next. Just all around inconsistent behavior
Leader of a bizarre race of malicious animals and fungi, Bowser is truly a dragon amongst turtles. He breathes fire, is super strong and is fantastic at breeding, as evidenced by his eight children (we're looking at you, Peach). Sadly, he's also one of the industry's most impotent monarchs, as he's been beaten countless times by a human roughly an eighth his size and has had to suffer the ignominy of teaming up with his arch-nemesis on multiple occasions. On the upside, though, damn Koops is FANTASTIC at kidnapping princesses.
Above: Oh, the majesty
Royal Derangements: Suffers from a rare condition called carpet-headitis; wears pants tight enough to shame Yo Gabba Gabba; is very sexually, uhm, enlightened
Unlike most short-sighted monarchs, who limit themselves to doing irrevocable damage here on earth, The King gets all cosmic on that ass and wipes out every celestial body in existence. Being the caring father that he is, he dispatches his son to earth to clean up his mess by… rolling… things. Because, you know, there’s enough matter on Earth to repopulate the universe. WTF, Japan.
Above: We prefer aristocrats with giant guns
Royal Derangements: Aside from a minor ego problem, he has none. He is the perfect human. Hold us, Duke
CIA agent, ladies man, and a master of Ahnuld-worthy one-liners, Duke is truly the cream of the crop of video game royalty. He's been all out of gum since Matt Hazard was in diapers, and whether or not the decade-delayed Duke Nukem Forever lives up to its potential, his legend will endure indefinitely (or at least until aliens discover that our greatest action hero is made out of pixels and decide to actually invade and annihilate us).
Nov 30, 2010
Gaming’s best crusty old men
Characters that fill their colostomy bags with pure win
Top 7… Inanimate objects
They’re nothing without you
Top 7… Damsels you DON’T want to save
Screw chivalry! These ladies deserve distress
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