Gaming's most piss poor disguises

Big Boss’ scientist disguise

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

Everyone knows only scientists and people with crippling cataracts wear glasses. What’s more, any bespectacled chap couldn’t possibly pose a threat to anyone. So channelling Clark Kent, Snake sneaks into a dangerous facility, completely unnoticed, just by slipping on a lab coat and a pair of spectacles.

Oh sure, the other scientists aren’t fooled by the disguise if he gets too close. But the same guards who have been hunting him for hours on end don’t blink an aye when this suspiciously young, athletic man of science no one has even seen before starts doing forward rolls around the facility and puffing cigarettes into people’s faces that knock them out instantly. So here’s a lesson kids. If you want to get away with any crime imaginable or sneak into a vault, just slip on some specs. It’s the ultimate disguise.

Agent 47's totally unambiguous wardrobe

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: Hitman series

The world’s most lethal assassin is also a damn snappy dresser. If he’s not sporting the latest in big floppy feet chic, he’s donning a chef’s overalls or dressing up as a particularly sociopathic Santa.

Despite the fact that none of these outfits can disguise the fact 47 is still a six-foot bald man with a barcode on the back of his head and the sternest expression ever permanently etched on his face, no one ever unravels his stabby charade until he starts strangling obese Glaswegian gangsters with cheese-wire.

Niko Bellic M.D.

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: Grand Theft Auto: IV

Liberty City officially has the most lax and neglectful health service in all of games. In spite of the fact Niko Bellic is a notorious criminal who frequently kneecaps cops in his spare time, no one bats an eyelid when he comes rolling up to a hospital reception toting automatic weaponry. Never mind when he then slips into a locker room for medical personnel only and slips on a pair of scrubs.

He’s then apparently so unrecognisable from said gun-toting nut who's just been flaunting an AK around that he’s allowed to stroll into a wiseguy’s heavily guarded room, before fiddling with his life support machine and sending the Mafia hood to that great big cannelloni in the sky.

Really, when you think of it, it’s no different to ER… if George Clooney indiscriminately murdered people between shifts.

Legend of Zelda evil doer wears a hat, tricks everybody

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks

Hats are good for many things. Holding wigs in place. Making Russians look totally badass. Concealing evil demons’ horns, thus helping them to pass as human. This is a loophole Spirit Tracks’ Chancellor Cole exploits to devastating effect, as he uses two adorable green top hats to hide his bony scalp growths.

Hey, we’re not surprised no one spotted the fact he was secretly evil. Link’s a busy guy after all. And  anyone could have missed the subtle malevolent tells. Those black, lifeless eyes, the pointy teeth, the most evil pointy moustache in existence; man, that is some stealthy shit right there. Evil Zelda dude, you’re an inspiration to demons everywhere.

July 15, 2010


  • hardcore_gamer1990 - July 18, 2010 11:49 p.m.

    I thought that the Captain Qwark one was an intentional joke, at least...
  • GreyFox87 - July 18, 2010 3:29 p.m.

    I'd also wager Altair of Assassin's Creed fame should be added to this list for his 'monk/scholar disguise'. He seamlessly blends into a group of same white robe wearing scholars/monks and walks past guards. Guards who fail to notice that one of this group has a large sword strapped to his back and an assortment of throwing knives strewn across his chest!
  • dpowers - July 17, 2010 7:05 p.m.

    very good list. the only one you forgot was harry tipper from time splitters future perfect. him in that guard dress? with his mustache and all walking right past other guards? something ain't right about that
  • YuGiOhisbetterthanMagic - July 16, 2010 5:25 p.m.

    what the hell? you could pull the life support? i just dropped a grenade next to him and ran like hell.
  • rxb - July 16, 2010 12:35 p.m.

    In the uk version of FF7 Im sure the honey bee section was cut out.
  • FunkSoulBrother - July 16, 2010 11:49 a.m.

    Once again a hilarious article by the great minds at Gamesradar
  • philipshaw - July 16, 2010 11:38 a.m.

    Great article and the FF7 and MGS3 disguises are the ones that stick out in my mind
  • JayBeat - July 16, 2010 10:18 a.m.

    Great article, great photoshops. The stupidity of the disguises amused me to no end when I played Blood Money back in the xbox days.
  • Spybreak8 - July 16, 2010 3:32 a.m.

    Haha yeah most of these are just like that due to common sense from testing. All the testers were like wtf why is this so hard!? Ok we can code that out. ^^
  • punkasfuq - July 16, 2010 2:36 a.m.

    " Even though Marcus and Dom never bother to conceal they’re insanely manly faces." They're =/= their
  • Thuperman - July 16, 2010 1:51 a.m.

    great article, but no MGS cardboard box?
  • batman5273 - July 15, 2010 11:39 p.m.

    Great article!
  • Psylockerules - July 15, 2010 11:22 p.m.

    clooney line made me guffah!
  • whiteknight1981 - July 15, 2010 10:58 p.m.

    @nomnom52 Sly: "How about-a going home-a for some pasta?" (I think) Bently: "That's the WORST Italian accent I've ever heard!" Made me laugh for 5 minutes.
  • nomnom52 - July 15, 2010 10:37 p.m.

    but...but...what about the disguises in Sly 3? Those were horrible! Especially the Guard one for Venice... How could the flashlight guards, who were giant wolves, let a teeny raccoon in their midst?
  • MetalReborn - July 15, 2010 10:15 p.m.

    ahaha AngryScotsman XD. I drew a giant smiley face on mine, which also entertained me :)
  • Lurkero - July 15, 2010 9:59 p.m.

    I always wished they'd have done something different with the Hitman series. I felt uncomfortable walking around as a bald man with a barcade on the back of my head. There was no way people wouldn't have been watching you after seeing that.
  • axelgarcia1 - July 15, 2010 8:59 p.m.

    what about Prototype... the disguises are good, but you can run into a base and run on walls and glide around and no one gets suspicious... then u lift a crate and they start shooting you? wtf
  • mdhammer - July 15, 2010 8:29 p.m.

    funny article, thank you.
  • RFswitchBlade - July 15, 2010 7:34 p.m.

    I always drew an AwesomeFace on the Okami disguise, lol.

Showing 1-20 of 48 comments

Join the Discussion
Add a comment (HTML tags are not allowed.)
Characters remaining: 5000