Gaming's most piss poor disguises

The embarrassingly obvious outfits that somehow kept their characters’ identities hidden

Big Boss’ scientist disguise

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater

Everyone knows only scientists and people with crippling cataracts wear glasses. What’s more, any bespectacled chap couldn’t possibly pose a threat to anyone. So channelling Clark Kent, Snake sneaks into a dangerous facility, completely unnoticed, just by slipping on a lab coat and a pair of spectacles.

Oh sure, the other scientists aren’t fooled by the disguise if he gets too close. But the same guards who have been hunting him for hours on end don’t blink an aye when this suspiciously young, athletic man of science no one has even seen before starts doing forward rolls around the facility and puffing cigarettes into people’s faces that knock them out instantly. So here’s a lesson kids. If you want to get away with any crime imaginable or sneak into a vault, just slip on some specs. It’s the ultimate disguise.

Agent 47's totally unambiguous wardrobe

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: Hitman series

The world’s most lethal assassin is also a damn snappy dresser. If he’s not sporting the latest in big floppy feet chic, he’s donning a chef’s overalls or dressing up as a particularly sociopathic Santa.

Despite the fact that none of these outfits can disguise the fact 47 is still a six-foot bald man with a barcode on the back of his head and the sternest expression ever permanently etched on his face, no one ever unravels his stabby charade until he starts strangling obese Glaswegian gangsters with cheese-wire.

Niko Bellic M.D.

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: Grand Theft Auto: IV

Liberty City officially has the most lax and neglectful health service in all of games. In spite of the fact Niko Bellic is a notorious criminal who frequently kneecaps cops in his spare time, no one bats an eyelid when he comes rolling up to a hospital reception toting automatic weaponry. Never mind when he then slips into a locker room for medical personnel only and slips on a pair of scrubs.

He’s then apparently so unrecognisable from said gun-toting nut who's just been flaunting an AK around that he’s allowed to stroll into a wiseguy’s heavily guarded room, before fiddling with his life support machine and sending the Mafia hood to that great big cannelloni in the sky.

Really, when you think of it, it’s no different to ER… if George Clooney indiscriminately murdered people between shifts.

Legend of Zelda evil doer wears a hat, tricks everybody

Amazingly, actually fooling folk in: The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks

Hats are good for many things. Holding wigs in place. Making Russians look totally badass. Concealing evil demons’ horns, thus helping them to pass as human. This is a loophole Spirit Tracks’ Chancellor Cole exploits to devastating effect, as he uses two adorable green top hats to hide his bony scalp growths.

Hey, we’re not surprised no one spotted the fact he was secretly evil. Link’s a busy guy after all. And anyone could have missed the subtle malevolent tells. Those black, lifeless eyes, the pointy teeth, the most evil pointy moustache in existence; man, that is some stealthy shit right there. Evil Zelda dude, you’re an inspiration to demons everywhere.

July 15, 2010

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