Some characters are just doomed to die in games. It seems the Nazis were born to wear sharp uniforms and chow down on your bullets like a tasty bratwurst. Cops are always destined to get blown up by your rocket launcher a day before retirement. And the sole purpose of videogame zombies is to have Piñata-style heads that explode with the slightest contact – just replace the tasty treats with festering bits of frontal lobe. The following groups of characters all die. A lot. And do we feel remorse? Hell no… well, maybe for the sheep.
As killed in: Dead Rising, House of the Dead, Left 4 Dead, Resident Evil, Zombies Ate My Neighbours
The shuffling hordes of the undead and death have always gone hand in hand. Obviously. They’ll never respect our right to keep our brains in our craniums and we’ll never respect their right to keep their craniums free from becoming shotgun-sponsored mince. It’s really a beautiful circle of death.
As killed in: Brothers in Arms: Hell’s Highway, Cannon Fodder, Ratchet & Clank: Going Commando, Sheep, the Worms series
No one’s saying they’re proud of turning innocent, cuddly beasts into exploding mutton, but sheep always seem to be the first casualties in videogame war. The woolly ones never seem to catch a break. And forget about C4, dynamite or semtex, the most combustible element in games has always been mutton.
As killed in: America’s 10 Most Wanted, Call of Duty 4, Soldier of Fortune, Metal Gear Solid, Mario series (Bowser’s totally a terrorist after all his Peach kidnapping shenanigans)
No one likes these guys. They’re to blame for all of videogames problems. The fall of virtual societies. You not having enough 1ups. Too Human not being very good. Do these characters, who oppose videogame democracy in all its forms, have no shame? Thankfully, most heroes we control have made it their life’s purpose to destroy these evil doers for freedom, justice and the good of babies.
As killed in: Dino Crisis 2, Metroid Prime, Pikmin, Super Mario series, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Sure, they might not look that dangerous when they’re quietly ambling on your windowsill. But turn your back on one in a game and you’ll find yourself half ingested in four seconds. No matter if we’re dealing with comedy cartoon Piranha Plants or cretaceous chrysanthemums every single one is the incarnation of pure evil. And that’s why, over the years, we’ve slaughtered enough to put every bee out of commission. Permanently.
As killed in: GTA series, Hitman, Manhunt, the Postal series, Saint’s Row, The Darkness
Who’d be a police officer in the realm of games? Low pay, long hours and a 97% certainty you’re going to end your shift with appendages missing – probably thanks to a gun-toting anti-hero, square-jawed rebel or illegal immigrant sociopath. None of the characters we control will ever respect the long virtual arm of the law. All they respect is making cops’ wives widows.
As killed in: Chuck Rock, Dino Crisis, The Lost World Arcade Game, Tomb Raider, Turok
The most dominant and successful species that ever walked the earth reduced to pea-brained fodder when zombie developers run out of ways for you to shoot the undead. If dinos weren’t extinct before, then they’re certainly on their way now. The Earth is ours now and they’ve got to learn that. One T-Rex-taming bullet at a time.
As killed in: Shinobi, Tenchu, Metal Gear Solid, Ninja Gaiden
From slicing up the men in pyjamas with shuriken in Shinobi to cutting them up like a Sunday roast in Ninja Gaiden; the deadly Japanese warriors are always a safe bet when you need generic baddies to add to the body count. Videogame ninjas seem to be entirely opposed to the ethos of stealth their real life order was famed for. And instead, would rather blindly rush face first into your death stars. Again and again... and again.
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