From Beyond Good & Evil
Aromatic Attribute: Rocket Science!
In what could be the most dignified occurrence on this list, Uncle Pey’J managed to turn his social faux pas into something certainly worth a Nobel Prize, with nary a “FRRT” or a “BRAAP” to be heard. We’ll let him explain his invention:
“The Jet Boots: They run on home-made bio-carburate. Here’s the pocket of pressurized methane (points at ass)... All you have to do to fire ‘em up is contract your abdominal muscles!”
From Rhapsody: A Musical Adventure
Duke Nukem 3D
Aromatic Attribute: None, but it may have a taste.
“I’ll rip your head off and shit down your neck.” How many of us have repeated Sergeant Hartman’s immortal threat-down into a headset with little thought of actually carrying it out? Duke Nukem is not us. He’s Duke. As such, he brought off that very scenario in all its literal machismo, plus with more nonchalance than most of us display crapping privately on our own commode. Ah, memories. Duke Nukem Forever is just a fart scene shy of totally being worth the two and a half decade long wait.
Grand Theft Auto (pre-3D)
Aromatic Attribute: Nothing... except pure, audible class
Tommy Vercetti never blew a rectal revelry, nor did Niko Bellic ever cut the old-world cheese. But that doesn’t mean Rockstar has never tapped a natural gas reserve. Yes, Grand Theft Auto, the most irreverent title in history, has made the most intelligently subversive contributions to gaming of all time, and that’s a tradition that dates back to the very first game in the series.
Refusing to ignore a surplus of PC keys, Rockstar angelically bestowed the lucky nation with a button reserved exclusively for gas - although GTA has been suspiciously fartless ever since. But fear not, we’ve heard word that the upcoming, 360-exclusive downloadable content for GTA IV will feature Roman, who is actually a walking bag of flatulence in a borrowed dermis.*
*Everything about this statement is total horseshit.
Conker’s Bad Fur Day
Aromatic Attribute: Usually accompanied by a, um, solid manifestation
Most of you know that Conker started as just another entry in Rare’s harmless stable of generic furballs. So as part of a ten-year effort to stave off gaming irrelevance, Rare completely retooled the Little Squirrel That Couldn’t into a beer-drankin’, profanity-spewin’ anti-hero on the Nintendo 64. Using its “Mature” rating for anything but, the game rewarded its few young fans with numerous “adult situations” then unseen on consoles.
Yes, that’s a cow shitting, and you made it happen! By goring it with a bull and forcing it to drink prune juice.
If that weren’t enough feces-drenched absurdity, there’s a lengthy boss battle that takes place in a level made entirely of shit, starring a towering baddie composed of poo with a corn-studded grill. Take a listen to his cautionary song in the video below, taken from the Xbox remake that few of you have had the maturity to play through.
Truly, the greatest game EVAR.
Oct 1, 2008
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