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Gaming’s most horrifying sex scenes

Silent Hill 2

Does it really count as a “sex scene” if all you see are fleeting glimpses of a monster possibly raping another monster (which doesn’t even have visible genitalia)? For the purposes of this article, we’re going to say yes, if only because there’s no point in making a list of horrifying sex scenes if you’re going to leave out the most horrifying one of all. We’re talking, of course, about Pyramid Head’s angry lovemaking with two of those four-legged mannequin things from Silent Hill 2.


Above: WHAT IS HAPPENING

Honestly, it’s kind of hard to tell if there’s any actual sex going on during Pyramid Head’s infamous second appearance in Silent Hill 2, or if he’s just somehow wrestling the mannequin-creatures to death. The ESRB certainly didn’t slap the game with an AO rating (which an onscreen rape would almost certainly merit), but the internet seems to agree that Pyramid Head absolutely is sexing that leg-thing in a nonconsensual way. In any case, the end result is indelibly, unforgettably creepy.

About as sexy as:

 

7 Sins

If you ever need evidence that porn-game makers don’t know how to make porn or games, take a look at the EU-only 7 Sins. A conversation-centric game about making money and bumping uglies, 7 Sins is slow, tedious, poorly translated and filled with hideously misshapen Bratz dolls masquerading as people.

Your reward for putting up with all that nonsense is the chance at a sexy encounter with a girl (or boy) – which takes the form of a minigame in which you have to do some inane bullshit to un-obscure the action before the time runs out. And if you do, all you’ll really see is a glimpse of the heads and shoulders of underwear-clad characters as they grind away in improbable positions.


About as sexy as:

 

Heavy Rain

Quantic Dream’s third and most recent effort looks a hell of a lot better than its first two, but strangely, that doesn't make its obligatory sex scene any less weird. For one, the scene doesn’t really fit in with the plot or the characters’ motivations, unfolding as it does between journalist Madison Paige and Ethan Mars, a distraught, injured father who’s racing against the clock to find his kidnapped son before said son is drowned by the mysterious Origami Killer.


Above: But, you know, a kid who’s literally up to his neck in freezing rainwater can probably wait a few more hours while Dad gets his bone on

Second, it underlines an uncomfortable truth about Heavy Rain: as good as the characters look, they’re still proud residents of the uncanny valley, looking like nothing so much as rubbery, dead-eyed RealDolls who’ve somehow acquired lives of their own and used them to slowly undress each other while rolling around on the floor.


About as sexy as:

 

Seaman

There is a no-brainer, because there is nothing about Seaman that isn’t horrifying. A bizarre, microphone-equipped virtual-pet-thing that debuted in 2001 on the Dreamcast, it focused on a species of surly, human faced amphibious creatures who hatch as parasites from the body of a nautilus, die frequently and enjoy judging you based on your answers to their condescending personal questions.

It follows, then, that watching them mate should be just as uncomfortable and horrible as everything else in the game. Once your Seamen reach a certain stage, one of them will hook its weird head-tube up with another one’s, and start to pump some sort of fluid directly into the “female’s” brain. It’s an ugly process, and it isn’t made any less ugly by the way the “male” dies almost immediately afterward, its floating corpse now good for nothing except inducing nightmares.

About as sexy as:

Feb 25, 2011

 

The Top 7... cringeworthy kisses 
When these characters lock lips, the results are more repulsive than romantic 


 


Game over: 8 game characters to avoid when seeking love advice
Wanna score? Don't listen to these guys 


 


The Top 7… disastrous game romances
And they lived happily ever after… well, until she got stabbed by a seven foot sword

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62 comments

  • MichaelCera - February 26, 2011 2:51 a.m.

    Horrifying indeed.
  • chrisda - February 26, 2011 3:07 a.m.

    Omikron scarred me
  • talkraider - February 26, 2011 3:07 a.m.

    Is it wrong that I got a boner
  • BlankBrush - February 26, 2011 3:16 a.m.

    Talkraider has the strangest boner....
  • talkraider - February 26, 2011 3:22 a.m.

    Its okay, I always have a boner
  • Samael - February 26, 2011 3:24 a.m.

    Thanks for mentioning Dragon Age. I LOVE that game, and the romances are otherwise very well done, but the "fucking through their underwear" is total bullshit. Bioware either needs to find a way to tastefully show nudity or go back to ME1 style angling.
  • Ampatent - February 26, 2011 3:29 a.m.

    Could have done without the picture of Tyler puking...
  • MexicAntista - February 26, 2011 3:40 a.m.

    Haha! Toys doing it. Brett must cringe everytime he sees that.
  • Pytor - February 26, 2011 4:13 a.m.

    That very last image is extremely disturbing :P
  • BlackElement17 - February 26, 2011 4:17 a.m.

    So in the Heavy Rain scene can you hit the wrong button and prematurely ejaculate?
  • batmanboy11 - February 26, 2011 4:18 a.m.

    Good god.
  • SenorSlaughter - February 26, 2011 4:22 a.m.

    The Venture Bro clones lol
  • inconceivable - February 26, 2011 4:40 a.m.

    Dear god, the Seaman one is actually going to give me nightmares. WHY DID I WATCH IT?!
  • IceBlueKirby - February 26, 2011 4:47 a.m.

    I remember being horrified when I talked to Fisto later in the Atomic Wrangler itself, and the only dialog option was to take on his services. I frantically mashed the B button trying to get away, but I finally had to just accept it. Luckily the next set of options lets you say nevermind...but it was awful thinking that my character was going to get physically assaulted by a robot just because I talked to him.
  • CoryM1134 - February 26, 2011 4:49 a.m.

    I bought Seaman when it came out. I was ecstatic when my Seamen (pun unavoidable) decided to mate, but HORRIFIED when one of them upended and floated to the top. It talked to me, for Christ's sake!
  • quincytheodore - February 26, 2011 5:06 a.m.

    Dude, this is messed up.. Seriously man.. -1 respect point
  • Trg564 - February 26, 2011 5:22 a.m.

    "Sorry, you may not access this video." For this article, that's probably a good thing
  • FauxFurry - February 26, 2011 6:18 a.m.

    The only way that the GTA 4 clip could have been more perfect(ly horrendous), with that particular track playing on the radio while Nico dry-humps a prostitute, making it seem like the most epic 5-10 second thrill-ride of all time, is if he ran her down afterward then fled from the police and finally crashed right into a tree at the end of the merry little chase so hard that he is launched out through the windshield and practically right through the tree. Nothing went into or came out of any thing hence he didn't get his money's worth. What, was he supposed to report her to the Better Business Bureau?! The BMX XXX one was just a shameful missed opportunity. In a sub-genre of sports games where the subject of the game is the most important, influential thing in the world, they could have had the player turn tricks for the pimp by actually performing bike tricks for customers but in one instant, one of the tricks are so awesome that someone is impregnated merely by watching it so it's up the player character to choose whether the child lives or dies with the next magick bike trick he performs. That's only right and natural, is it not? You completely overlooked PlayStation Home 'sex'. Yes, it's just people doing the Running Man up against other avatars while someone moans sexually suggestive lines through his headset or avatars kneeling in front of one another while they nod their heads,but that doesn't make it any less horrifying(ly hilarious)!
  • g4m3rk1dd - February 26, 2011 6:31 a.m.

    i demand that the silent hill 2 sex scene be bumped up to number one. not only is pyramid head the scariest god awful bastard in gaming but he was raping TWO monsters...TWO not one... as i said i demand a recount of the votes taken...this is worse than when bush stole HIS election...
  • SirCheesedip - February 26, 2011 6:38 a.m.

    O_____o What did I just read and see?!

Showing 1-20 of 62 comments

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