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Gaming’s most horrifying sex scenes

Silent Hill 2

Does it really count as a “sex scene” if all you see are fleeting glimpses of a monster possibly raping another monster (which doesn’t even have visible genitalia)? For the purposes of this article, we’re going to say yes, if only because there’s no point in making a list of horrifying sex scenes if you’re going to leave out the most horrifying one of all. We’re talking, of course, about Pyramid Head’s angry lovemaking with two of those four-legged mannequin things from Silent Hill 2.


Above: WHAT IS HAPPENING

Honestly, it’s kind of hard to tell if there’s any actual sex going on during Pyramid Head’s infamous second appearance in Silent Hill 2, or if he’s just somehow wrestling the mannequin-creatures to death. The ESRB certainly didn’t slap the game with an AO rating (which an onscreen rape would almost certainly merit), but the internet seems to agree that Pyramid Head absolutely is sexing that leg-thing in a nonconsensual way. In any case, the end result is indelibly, unforgettably creepy.

About as sexy as:

 

7 Sins

If you ever need evidence that porn-game makers don’t know how to make porn or games, take a look at the EU-only 7 Sins. A conversation-centric game about making money and bumping uglies, 7 Sins is slow, tedious, poorly translated and filled with hideously misshapen Bratz dolls masquerading as people.

Your reward for putting up with all that nonsense is the chance at a sexy encounter with a girl (or boy) – which takes the form of a minigame in which you have to do some inane bullshit to un-obscure the action before the time runs out. And if you do, all you’ll really see is a glimpse of the heads and shoulders of underwear-clad characters as they grind away in improbable positions.


About as sexy as:

 

Heavy Rain

Quantic Dream’s third and most recent effort looks a hell of a lot better than its first two, but strangely, that doesn't make its obligatory sex scene any less weird. For one, the scene doesn’t really fit in with the plot or the characters’ motivations, unfolding as it does between journalist Madison Paige and Ethan Mars, a distraught, injured father who’s racing against the clock to find his kidnapped son before said son is drowned by the mysterious Origami Killer.


Above: But, you know, a kid who’s literally up to his neck in freezing rainwater can probably wait a few more hours while Dad gets his bone on

Second, it underlines an uncomfortable truth about Heavy Rain: as good as the characters look, they’re still proud residents of the uncanny valley, looking like nothing so much as rubbery, dead-eyed RealDolls who’ve somehow acquired lives of their own and used them to slowly undress each other while rolling around on the floor.


About as sexy as:

 

Seaman

There is a no-brainer, because there is nothing about Seaman that isn’t horrifying. A bizarre, microphone-equipped virtual-pet-thing that debuted in 2001 on the Dreamcast, it focused on a species of surly, human faced amphibious creatures who hatch as parasites from the body of a nautilus, die frequently and enjoy judging you based on your answers to their condescending personal questions.

It follows, then, that watching them mate should be just as uncomfortable and horrible as everything else in the game. Once your Seamen reach a certain stage, one of them will hook its weird head-tube up with another one’s, and start to pump some sort of fluid directly into the “female’s” brain. It’s an ugly process, and it isn’t made any less ugly by the way the “male” dies almost immediately afterward, its floating corpse now good for nothing except inducing nightmares.

About as sexy as:

Feb 25, 2011

 

The Top 7... cringeworthy kisses 
When these characters lock lips, the results are more repulsive than romantic 


 


Game over: 8 game characters to avoid when seeking love advice
Wanna score? Don't listen to these guys 


 


The Top 7… disastrous game romances
And they lived happily ever after… well, until she got stabbed by a seven foot sword

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62 comments

  • liadz - October 17, 2011 2:07 a.m.

    I like the way it's done in the first Witcher game: there is a scene where everything you can see only gives you the idea that something is happening and then you receive a nice "early 20th century novelty "naughty" postcards"-like card as a trophy. =P
  • sirtomski - October 11, 2011 7:47 a.m.

    um... what did i just witness? Seriously, WTF?!
  • Sjoeki - October 3, 2011 6:07 p.m.

    My penis is so confused right now!
  • spongejerk89 - March 2, 2011 3:02 a.m.

    Not gonna lie, that GTA 4 video was pretty hot.
  • BurntToShreds - March 1, 2011 3:13 a.m.

    There's more to Pyramid Head's wacky antics!! There was an art DVD that came with Silent Hill 2. This video right here is called "Fukuro". I recommend watching this when nobody is around. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mT-TN_pMcxE
  • CoppertopJohnson - March 1, 2011 1:53 a.m.

    Eye bleach anyone? I've got enough to share!
  • EwoksTasteLikeChicken - March 1, 2011 12:34 a.m.

    Um... I have no idea what's worse than this.
  • KrazyGamer - February 28, 2011 11:18 p.m.

    The last one... *PUKE*
  • Gamerbloke - February 28, 2011 7:08 p.m.

    No, just no.
  • Ninja-Monkey-91 - February 28, 2011 7:02 p.m.

    seaman is beyond words messed up... captcha: fingers offormes
  • Delgado55 - February 28, 2011 4:29 p.m.

    lol in the fallout one boon was was like WTF!!!
  • 2cute2Bcruel - February 27, 2011 10:32 p.m.

    The first item on the list. Zooming in on CJ's shark/O face. The horror.
  • Aletheon - February 27, 2011 9:20 p.m.

    Yes, Clinton is horrifying to look at.
  • FortyVsZero - February 27, 2011 7:18 p.m.

    The seaman one is fuuuucking horrifying. The way the head tube thing pulses, their lifeless faces....nightmare fuel. Thanks Mikel.
  • EnragedTortoise1 - February 27, 2011 4:55 p.m.

    That last picture was rather disturbing. well, not to mention the ENTIRE FUCKING ARTICLE. Jeebus..
  • Crypto140 - February 27, 2011 4:23 p.m.

    No amount of therapy/alcohol can erase this from my mind. Fallout New Vegas Fisto after sex dialoge option: I CAN'T FELL MY LEGS! I was laughing so hard when I saw that. rePACTCHA: wife yonec. WHAT do you want me to do?!
  • PhantomDave - February 27, 2011 12:42 p.m.

    "You're just the best G-spot finder!" LMAO 7 Sins I kept expecting to see a dialog option for her to shit on his chest...I don't know why.
  • TheGingaPrince - February 27, 2011 11:41 a.m.

    Right, Im off for an angry wank.
  • Imthedoctor - February 27, 2011 7:44 a.m.

    was that dude's profile actually MichealCera??? wtf lol. Well..if you ever want to keep you're children from getting it on, just show them the Pyramid Head rape scene..that would do it

Showing 1-20 of 62 comments

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