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Gaming's most facepalm-worthy heroes

Jack (BioShock)

 

Would you kindly kill the evil mastermind ruler and open things right up for the even eviller mastermind schemer to step in? If you could, that’d be just great. Thanks.

Facepalm rating: 1/5 Picards

 

Jack obviously had no control over this whatsoever, and he finished the job off as soon as he'd fixed his brain-wrongs.


The Chosen One (Fallout 2)

 

Amid Fallout 2’s many random encounters, it’s possible to stumble upon a time-warp. Its destination? The original Fallout’s Vault 13, back before a broken water chip forced the first game’s protagonist out into the wasteland in search of a replacement.

Three guesses what you end up breaking before you leave. The hardships of the first game, your ancestor’s exile from the vault, the creation of your village and the hardships you’re dealing with now are all your fault. Should have stayed at home. Though if you had, home might not have existed. But then you’d still be safe in Vault 13. But then… No. No more. Must rest brain.

Facepalm rating: 4/5 Picards

 

Rule number one of time-travel is amplified if you're a clumsy oaf.


Dirk the Daring (Dragon's Lair 2)

 

Rule number two of time travel. If you ever find yourself in The Garden of Eden and meet a young woman called Eve, do not under any circumstances, give her an apple. Why? Or, it’s just that it could bring about a teensy little problem. Like the instantaneous loss of worldwide innocence and the start of millennia of corruption and pain.

Facepalm rating: Super Mega Hyper Picard Overload

 

No further comments.


Harry (Silent Hill)

 

It’s entirely understandable that Harry Mason wanted to find a way out of a mind-raping grim-hole like Silent Hill, but such enthusiasms must be tempered with a bit of common sense. The town has the demeanour of a place vomited up by Hell after a gluttonous binge on rusty nails, so it might not be the best idea to blindly trust anyone living there about the background details. Just in case believing said person leads to you actually stopping the completion of a magical anti-demon-god seal, rather than doing the exact opposite.

Facepalm rating: 2/5 Picards

 

An overly-trusting screw-up on a grand scale, but there are extenuating circumstances. After all, Harry would have been more than a tad anxious to get his daughter out of a town filled with broken-bodied murderous anatomy failures.


The Agent (Crackdown)

  

If ever there was a lesson in why you shouldn’t blindly accept authority as truth, Crackdown is it. That lesson is, you see, doubly painful when you are the authority. Spending countless hours fighting tooth and nail to clean up the city’s gangs already adds up to a pretty hard week, but then finding out that it was all part of your fascist bosses’ secret scheme to take over the world? That’s one hell of a super-powered kick in the stones.

Facepalm rating: 4/5 Picards

 

A dictatorial new world order. Nice one. This one's only saved from a 5/5 because The Agent was clueless as to what was going on. Though given the excessive number of pies his bosses' fingers were in, maybe he was just all-round clueless.


The Human forces (Gears of War)

  

Not only did the war-winning lightmass bomb detonation at the end of Gears of War only kill some of the Locust, now everyone’s lungs are melting due to the imulsion fumes it expelled. The COG wins again!

Facepalm rating: 4/5 Picards

Given that Imulsion was in use as a fuel for decades before the lightmass bomb went off, surely someone must have had an idea what would happen. Three seconds thought would have been too long to get this one vetoed.



The 13 unluckiest videogame bastards
These walking trainwrecks remind us not everyone can be the hero


Death by the Decade: The evolution of dying in games
From flickering to first-person suicide, we examine gaming’s insatiable death wish


Most Annoying Game-Over Screens Ever
Where the game ends, the anguish begins: see it now!

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41 comments

  • Spybreak8 - July 3, 2009 9:16 a.m.

    You gotta love how some of the games out there help solidify the fact that eventhough we know we are being told how to play the game we're floored by what we did, ie Bioshock, Half Life and Crackdwon. Thinking about Crackdown and authority, man Robo Cop was a good movie! ^ ^ repatcha: big rabies - haha speaking of fallout
  • disturbedanomaly36 - July 2, 2009 7:29 p.m.

    god, Dirk, i am brought to tears every time i think about that dumbass, and he deserves that super-Picard for that too
  • spartan_n30 - June 30, 2009 12:20 a.m.

    u for got dedede, of all the vilans of the kirby universe, he is probably the most wirdest one, not only time and again does he do something that causes kirby to kick his ass time and again, but in certain games, he is actuly a indirect GOOD guy, i give him the trophy of wierdest villan of all time.
  • magicwalnuts0 - June 29, 2009 5:12 a.m.

    This one is excellent, I liked the choice of heroes. And of super mega hyper picard overloads.
  • MW3M - June 28, 2009 5:40 p.m.

    There are far too many stupid protangonists... Shujinko from Mortal Kombat Deception springs to my mind. Man that guy was stupid....
  • yoreAtowel - June 28, 2009 7:53 a.m.

    Gordon Freemans beard is only matched by Billy Mazes
  • Defguru7777 - June 28, 2009 12:42 a.m.

    What about Alex Mercer from Prototype? Its his damn fault the virus is in Manhattan, and he doesn't even realise it. Yes I know Alex isn't himself anymore, but still.
  • crumbdunky - June 27, 2009 7:57 p.m.

    @Misteradequate-Hiyler was also being injected, by the same doctors, liquefied bull testes. Though he's often said to have been vegetarian the fact is, at one time or another, the number of qack diets and treatments he was on/took mean you could call him just about anything. He started of mad as a bike and his doctors had him as little more than a walking experiment by the time everything fell apart.
  • MisterAdequate - June 27, 2009 1:59 p.m.

    Actually Hitler wasn't a vegetarian: His doctors recommended a vegetarian diet due to a bowel complaint but he didn't follow said advice. Which I suppose is fair enough, he already had those rumors about his testicles and probably didn't want to add to it with rumors about his arse. But yeah aside from that nitpicking, another great article :D
  • skyline19 - June 27, 2009 10:57 a.m.

    Picard is a serious badass.
  • BigBossOSE - June 27, 2009 8:43 a.m.

    @michaelmcc827 & cyberninja: You two are fucking idiots. You are the worst part of the internet. You wasted 4 comments just to bicker back and forth about bragging rights for making a comment just for the sake of making it. You don't say something intelligent, you just spit out the quickest line of shit that you can in an attempt to be able to type "first." Will you go to high school on Monday and brag to all your friends about how you were the one who really deserved the first comment? Is that how pathetic you are? Get off my internet. As for the list, it gave me a good feeling to think back to Bioshock, and the revelation that your entire journey had been controlled by someone else. Absolutely brilliant storytelling. It's a prime example of why games are such good mediums for it...if you were to watch a movie or read a book with Bioshock's plot, the twist would surely still be impressive...but to find out that you, yourself, are the one who has been running errands for others without even realizing it...that's powerful.
  • vitoruss - June 27, 2009 6:57 a.m.

    Follow my logic on this one... See, check it out- If you DIDN'T break the water chip in Fallout 2, then the Vault Dweller would have never began his quest. If the Vault Dweller never began his quest, he would have been sitting in the vault doing nothing when- BAM!!! SUPER MUTANTS COME IN AND KILL EVERYONE. See, the quest for the waterchip allowed the Vault Dweller to get the armor, the weaponry and most importantly, the experience to kill the Master before Vault 13 could be pillaged. So technically, that facepalm (while still a pretty bad facepalm) was a blessing in disguise! Saved humanity!
  • Samael - June 27, 2009 3:31 a.m.

    Being the Legacy of Kain fanboy that I am, I must add Raziel to this list. Though he'd only be like 2/5 Picards, because he really thought he was doing the right thing.
  • Unoriginal - June 26, 2009 8:05 p.m.

    Super Mega Hyper Picard Overload. Pure genious.
  • number1hitjam - June 26, 2009 7:50 p.m.

    What about Gerald from the Witcher?
  • Greed - June 26, 2009 6:19 p.m.

    The G-Man is NOT Gordon Freeman, for heaven's sakes. And it was the G-Man who caused the accident my messing with the crystal, not Gordon, even though it was Gordon and Kleiner's experiment. Recaptcha: Catherine spotted Oh no, the Nazis are going to get Catherine!
  • Ell223 - June 26, 2009 6:04 p.m.

    what about prince of persia?
  • nadrewod999 - June 26, 2009 5:41 p.m.

    @EvilNinjaSquibidyflop: They mean all the world YOU KNOW OF AND/OR MADE CONQUERABLE. "creaky the"
  • nadrewod999 - June 26, 2009 5:30 p.m.

    I wonder how big a facepalm Star Trek itself would have, especially since the facepalm images ARE BEING MADE BY THE ENTERPRISE'S OWN CAPTAIN FROM THE NEXT GENERATION! I mean, think about all the time paradoxes, alternate beginnings/endings/middles, complete moral reverses, and other idiotic stuff that has happened to the Enterprise crews over the years. Also, I am trying to start a new trend where we type into our comments what we had to type to show that we are real people and not computer programs. This time, I am "financially bemusing". (Quote it exactly both in the typing section and the comment section (case counts))
  • Cyberninja - June 26, 2009 5:08 p.m.

    @oruandymackie isnt G-man gordan freeman?

Showing 1-20 of 41 comments

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