Iron Boots – Zelda Series
You may think shoe making or “Cobblerology” is a dead sport, but rest assured scientists are quitting jobs at NASA everyday to build lighter, more versatile cross trainers. Well, the Iron Boot flies in the face of all that. Nearly every Zelda since Ocarina of Time has involved Link actively in pursuit of a shoe that will not only slow him to a crawl, but prove utterly useless on land.
Above: Works like a charm. Or a rock
Sadly, iron boots fell out of fashion once the mafia discovered a cheaper, cement alternative. Yes, there are many cheaper and safer ways to drown yourself nowadays, so in this case we must recommend a far less deadly alternative. Vintage Hi-Point motocross boots are not only remarkably similar to those adorned by Sinky Link, but they’re also worn by Goose in Mad Max! But if you’re playing it absurdly safe, you can’t go wrong with the Monopoly boot... wuss.
Left: Hi Point Boots - $9.95
Right: A Boot millions of you already own
There are about a bajillion red shoes out there in the land of Gamedom, so what makes Sonic’s so special? Well, there’s the classic white stripe. The carefully disheveled sock-top accompaniment. Oh yeah, and the make him as fast as liquid shit!
Above: D@ Prince Customs’ Sonic kicks – Available Never!
As hard as it is to believe, the Hog and his iconic sneaks have been around for almost twenty years, and we couldn’t find a single shoe that looked suitably Sonic (barring some one-of-a-kind creations and relics of forgotten cosplay).
Above: The closest Sonic’s ever had to an official shoe
However, Sonic Adventure 2 inked a deal with the Soap Shoes that included in-game billboards and the rodent himself sporting a pair of grind-ready sneakers… Meh. Nothing against those shoes - we just prefer the pointy, blurry ones in constant spincycle.
Above: 2003 Soap Shoes – $59.99
Ulala’s shoes – Space Channel 5 series
What’s a gal to do when aliens show up hell-bent on toppling humanity with the power of funk? Why, put on the dancin’ shoes, that’s what! Preferably the knee high F*** Me Boots with the ten inch lifts. You know, because they help you dance better… in space… maybe.
Above: “Those boots would look great on my Monkey”
Not a perfect match below, but they’ll have to do. And believe it or not ladies, we actually found Ulala’s boots going cheaper than the 10-year-old Dreamcast game.
Above: Go Go Orange Custom Boot - $6.99!
Rash’s boot – Battletoads series
Where do the ‘Toads get their abilities from? It’s gotta be the shoes! Get Rash pissed and his green galoshes throw proportion to the wind for some superior, spike-to-face ass-kickery.
In a way, the Looney Tunes enlargement arguably makes it a better Popeye game than the actual
When looking for the best in pointy, potentially lethal footwear, your best bet is to ask your Neo-Nazi friend where he buys his shoes. (Don’t have a Neo-Nazi friend, you say? Then it’s you.) Actually, you don’t have to go to a white power retreat or your nearest Satanic knick-knack parlor just to get a little spiked-boot action. Turns out these incredibly sharp forestry boots can be used for anything but the safety they’re intended for.
Above: Schoen 1100 Spiked - $371.11
Yeah... they’re a tad pricey. But as far as spiked, videogame shoes go, you could do a lot worse:
Kuribo's Shoe – Super Mario Bros. 3
Also called the Goomba’s Shoe, this infamously brief power-up from Super Mario Bros. 3 is one of the most powerful items in the game. Worn like a sleeping bag, you get to volley swiftly over sharp thingies that would kill Mario in his regular shoes. Come to think of it, it’s less a power-up and more like a pre-Mario Kart vehicle that bounces…. to death!
Above: Great. Now one of us has to go home and change
Sadly, they just don’t make footwear with ancient clock components nowadays. But take away the windy apparatus and you’re basically left with beautiful boot as green as springtime.
Above: AirWair Green Boot - $175
And as for the future of videogames and shoes...
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