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Gaming's most fabulous footwear

Iron Boots – Zelda Series

 
You may think shoe making or “Cobblerology” is a dead sport, but rest assured scientists are quitting jobs at NASA everyday to build lighter, more versatile cross trainers. Well, the Iron Boot flies in the face of all that. Nearly every Zelda since Ocarina of Time has involved Link actively in pursuit of a shoe that will not only slow him to a crawl, but prove utterly useless on land.


Above: Works like a charm. Or a rock 

Sadly, iron boots fell out of fashion once the mafia discovered a cheaper, cement alternative. Yes, there are many cheaper and safer ways to drown yourself nowadays, so in this case we must recommend a far less deadly alternative. Vintage Hi-Point motocross boots are not only remarkably similar to those adorned by Sinky Link, but they’re also worn by Goose in Mad Max! But if you’re playing it absurdly safe, you can’t go wrong with the Monopoly boot... wuss.


Left: Hi Point Boots - $9.95
Right: A Boot millions of you already own 



Sonic’s Shoes

There are about a bajillion red shoes out there in the land of Gamedom, so what makes Sonic’s so special? Well, there’s the classic white stripe. The carefully disheveled sock-top accompaniment. Oh yeah, and the make him as fast as liquid shit!


Above: D@ Prince Customs’ Sonic kicks – Available Never! 

As hard as it is to believe, the Hog and his iconic sneaks have been around for almost twenty years, and we couldn’t find a single shoe that looked suitably Sonic (barring some one-of-a-kind creations and relics of forgotten cosplay).


Above: The closest Sonic’s ever had to an official shoe 

However, Sonic Adventure 2 inked a deal with the Soap Shoes that included in-game billboards and the rodent himself sporting a pair of grind-ready sneakers… Meh. Nothing against those shoes - we just prefer the pointy, blurry ones in constant spincycle.


Above: 2003 Soap Shoes – $59.99 



Ulala’s shoes – Space Channel 5 series

What’s a gal to do when aliens show up hell-bent on toppling humanity with the power of funk? Why, put on the dancin’ shoes, that’s what! Preferably the knee high F*** Me Boots with the ten inch lifts. You know, because they help you dance better… in space… maybe.


Above: “Those boots would look great on my Monkey” 

Not a perfect match below, but they’ll have to do. And believe it or not ladies, we actually found Ulala’s boots going cheaper than the 10-year-old Dreamcast game.


Above: Go Go Orange Custom Boot - $6.99! 



Rash’s boot – Battletoads series

Where do the ‘Toads get their abilities from? It’s gotta be the shoes! Get Rash pissed and his green galoshes throw proportion to the wind for some superior, spike-to-face ass-kickery.

In a way, the Looney Tunes enlargement arguably makes it a better Popeye game than the actual Popeye game.

When looking for the best in pointy, potentially lethal footwear, your best bet is to ask your Neo-Nazi friend where he buys his shoes. (Don’t have a Neo-Nazi friend, you say? Then it’s you.) Actually, you don’t have to go to a white power retreat or your nearest Satanic knick-knack parlor just to get a little spiked-boot action. Turns out these incredibly sharp forestry boots can be used for anything but the safety they’re intended for.


Above: Schoen 1100 Spiked - $371.11 

Yeah... they’re a tad pricey. But as far as spiked, videogame shoes go, you could do a lot worse:






Kuribo's Shoe – Super Mario Bros. 3

Also called the Goomba’s Shoe, this infamously brief power-up from Super Mario Bros. 3 is one of the most powerful items in the game. Worn like a sleeping bag, you get to volley swiftly over sharp thingies that would kill Mario in his regular shoes. Come to think of it, it’s less a power-up and more like a pre-Mario Kart vehicle that bounces…. to death!


Above: Great. Now one of us has to go home and change 

Sadly, they just don’t make footwear with ancient clock components nowadays.  But take away the windy apparatus and you’re basically left with beautiful boot as green as springtime.


Above: AirWair Green Boot - $175 

And as for the future of videogames and shoes...


Above: YES! 

Apr 27, 2009




Gaming's kinkiest costumes
Got a fantasy? Chances are there's a game to match



Grand Theft Radar: Hooker Beauty Contest 
Which poorly rendered prostitute owns the night?



Freakish fashion 
Ten examples of what not to wear, even in a video game

40 comments

  • PCG_Evan - April 30, 2009 12:16 a.m.

    Great stuff! Love the links to real-world equivalents.
  • JohnTheFisherman - April 29, 2009 8:12 p.m.

    damn...those sonic shoes are bitchin'
  • Killbashe - April 28, 2009 10:18 p.m.

    Dude you forgot the boots of springheel jack!!! WTF? They like save u from a 10 story fall!!! lol
  • sauron019 - April 28, 2009 6:24 p.m.

    last one is the awesomest !!!!!!!!!!!
  • Ravenbom - April 28, 2009 3:31 p.m.

    Wow, I would have never thought that Antista would be a shoe shill. Paul Ryan, maybe, but not Antista! Anyways, do the Tabi shoes come in western sizes?
  • helix92 - April 28, 2009 3:14 p.m.

    What about shoes on oblivion that let you walk on water... Jesus was over rated.
  • Squander - April 28, 2009 9:40 a.m.

    hahahaha :D hilarious article!! I love the Crocs of Faith!
  • iKOemos - April 28, 2009 4:17 a.m.

    Imagine being kicked in the face with those Schoen 1100 Spiked Boots. OW!
  • michaelmcc827 - April 28, 2009 12:11 a.m.

    Ok, this made up for the so-so top 7 this week...Great article!
  • manaconda - April 27, 2009 11:13 p.m.

    oh antista, you crazy girl. you crazy.
  • GoldenMe - April 27, 2009 11 p.m.

    Sonic shoes... I need a pair. Seriously.
  • symphonicdeathpop - April 27, 2009 10:49 p.m.

    Is that last pic from Bayonetta?
  • garnsr - April 27, 2009 10:37 p.m.

    What about those great big shoes in Landstalker and the other related games (by Climax, if I remember correctly.) Loved the games, but the bulbous-toed shoes stick in my head.
  • NelosAngelos - April 27, 2009 10:14 p.m.

    I'd buy those shoes. My red chuck taylors always remind me of Sonic's shoes whenever I put them on.
  • ELpork - April 27, 2009 9:20 p.m.

    wow, that's allot of money.
  • WonsAuto - April 27, 2009 9:15 p.m.

    I like the articles when you guys think you're out of ideas the best, they're always funnier. I recommend you guys show up to work blasted all next week, lol.
  • zurc136 - April 27, 2009 8:32 p.m.

    That last picture is awesome
  • patz9 - April 27, 2009 8:27 p.m.

    this is quite a weird article!
  • OxBidder - July 4, 2009 8:02 p.m.

    Does anyone else then me see a similarity to the rightmost Zelda boots, and Master Chiefs boots from Halo 2/3?
  • Person5 - April 30, 2009 1:51 a.m.

    I want iron boots NOW also about spiked boots I have no neo-nazi friends and I'm Jewish so hmmm

Showing 1-20 of 40 comments

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