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This feature comes courtesy of PSM3 UK

You might not realize it, but for every game you’ve played where aliens and terrorists are the cause of untold trouble, there’s another in which the real problem is poor family dynamics. The issue may be caused by sibling rivalry or might stem from daddy hurling junior into a volcano. Either way, immediate relatives can create an awful lot of sticky situations. Just check out this little lot…

The Monroe family

As seen in Siren: Blood Curse

If you were investigating a Japanese village famed for rumors of human sacrifice, would you really bring your six-year-old daughter along for the ride? That’s what Sam Monroe and Melissa Gale do. It takes all of five seconds for disaster to occur, culminating in Bella – the unfortunate child in question – being blasted back through time and transformed into an evil, immortal, flesh-eating nun.

The McReary family

As seen in Grand Theft Auto IV

Drugs. Corruption. Violence. That’s GTA’s McReary family. There’s corrupt cop Frankie, mob boss Gerry, thug Packie and down-and-out Derrick, whom Frankie decides to have assassinated on the off-chance he might tell the press about his brother’s penchant for backhanders. Despite living among these nut-jobs for years, sister Kate stays free from trouble for quite a while. But the very second she attends Roman’s wedding she gets gunned down on the church steps. See, ladies – bad guys may be glamorous but they’re also dangerous. Why not try games journalists instead?

Orvus and Clank

As seen in Ratchet & Clank: A Crack in Time


Above: Clank deserves huge recognition sometimes

Orvus and Clank are a bit like Geppetto and Pinocchio, but are a scientist and robot instead of a carpenter and puppet. In A Crack in Time, it transpires that Orvus built The Great Clock to heal the universe and then made a robot – Clank – to look after it, promptly passing his guarding responsibilities to his ‘son’. If we were Clank, we’d be pretty peeved at this. But then, if we were Clank, we’d be able to make multiple copies of ourselves and travel through time. Which must be some sort of consolation for years of zero parenting.

The Snake family

As seen in the Metal Gear series

After Big Boss falls into a coma in 1972, he must be surprised to wake up and discover three sons he didn’t have before. Unfortunately, the boys – Liquid, Solid and Solidus – have been created from his DNA to become genetically enhanced super-soldiers. Liquid ends up dying before having his mind taken over and his arm transplanted onto Revolver Ocelot, and Solidus somehow lucks his way into becoming president of the USA. And Solid? He smokes a lot of cigarettes and kills his father. Well, among other things… 

The Mishima family

As seen in the Tekken series

Tekken’s Heihachi Mishima is not a nice man. He throws his son Kazuya over a cliff when he’s only little, and then into a volcano once he’s grown up. Then there are Jin and Lee, Kazuya's sons (Lee being adopted), who have – perhaps understandably given their granddad’s behavior – established an unhealthy obsession with beating up their own family. Heihachi has an ace up his sleeve, though, in the shape of his bodyguard – a massive, slavering, bloodthirsty bear. Don’t look at us like that, we don’t write this rubbish.

The Bayonetta family

As seen in Bayonetta

Bayonetta – mom, if you can call her that – is a witch. Her "daughter" Cereza doesn’t exist at the start of the game but flashes into existence aged about six. Then there’s Baldur, a crackpot and demi-god – oh, and Bayonetta’s dad. Not only has he created Cereza by kidnapping a younger version of Bayonetta – yes, she is her own "daughter" - and bringing her to the present day, he also wants to destroy the universe. We’d just strike him off the Christmas card list, but Bayo chooses to give him a good thrashing instead.

The Wander ‘family’

As seen in Shadow of the Colossus

Oh, so you don’t think Wander and his girlfriend Mono are a dysfunctional unit? How else would you interpret the game’s climax? Wander’s transformed into a baby – containing, perhaps, some of the evil spirit of Domus – while Mono awakes, finds her boyfriend is an infant and has to bring him up. This means that Wander’s girlfriend is now, in effect, his mom. If that’s not twisted, we don’t know what is. God only knows what Agro makes of it all.

The Mars family

As seen in Heavy Rain

In one of gaming’s less uplifting opening segments, Heavy Rain’s Jason Mars is hit by a car and dies. Then his brother Shaun turns into a complete brat and gets kidnapped by an asthmatic fake detective. Dad Ethan, meanwhile, has blackouts and thinks a locked part of his mind has set him a stack of trials with which to demonstrate his ‘dad worth’ – most of them seem to involve lacerating or electrocuting himself. There are special clubs to visit if you’re into that sort of thing, Ethan – err, apparently.

Sep 20, 2010

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54 comments

  • C.King - January 2, 2014 7:40 a.m.

    the family of any pokemon protagonist, the father has run off, the home only has one bed, no one cares that the kid is roaming the land alone on foot with a crime syndicate on the loose and even enters and gambles at their casinos. no one has a problem with the kid possessing legendary pokemon that could flood the world, break space and time, give people crazy nightmares with it's mere presence, and what is essentially god of their world. the kid could be a potential villain, just going around feinting innocence to encourage a challenge to these magic dog fights then one shoting them all and take their money, the little hustler!
  • TheGooseinator - January 1, 2014 9:40 a.m.

    The Greenbriars! Probably the most relatable of all dysfunctional families, it is captivating to, through completely indirect means, discover their challenges in life and relationships toward each other. Everyone in this comment feed who hasn't played Gone Home yet, do it. Now. NOW.
  • Sjoeki - January 1, 2014 3:43 p.m.

    Heard a lot of good things about it, what systems is it on?
  • TheGooseinator - January 5, 2014 8:52 p.m.

    It's exclusive to PC. Not a very technically demanding game though, so specs shouldn't be a problem. It costs 20 buck when it's not on sale.
  • g1rldraco7 - December 14, 2013 9:41 a.m.

    O.O
  • acebuccaneers - September 24, 2010 5:03 p.m.

    What about Point Man, Fettel, and Alma from F.E.A.R.
  • FanofSaiyan - September 22, 2010 9:03 p.m.

    What about the Koopa family, Bowser, his son, and all his wacky nephews make quite a hazard for mario and his family (and friends).
  • AGENTJORRRG - September 22, 2010 3:01 a.m.

    @erebus Ahh yes good point.
  • TaichouDaidai - September 22, 2010 12:15 a.m.

    i knew the mishima family would be in this article before i clicked on it and ragingearth it would be a emberassing if jin was a mishima since he beat the crap out of the mishima family and took over heihachis company
  • lovinmyps3 - September 21, 2010 11:53 p.m.

    JASON! JASON!! And I apparently didn't fully understand the Bayonetta story. I thought Cereza was Bayonetta just when she was a child and brought into the future to trick Bayonetta into doing... whatever she did. And Cereza just though Bayonetta was her "mummy" because Bayonetta likely looks like her mom. But maybe you guys are right and I just didn't get it, or was too distracted by Bayonetta's arse.
  • FanofSaiyan - September 21, 2010 10:41 p.m.

    What about Jak and Damos from Jak 3, seems violence and valor run in the family. ;)
  • xXxBLACKHALOxXx - September 21, 2010 10:24 p.m.

    What About Point Man and Fettel And The Messed Up Psycho Alma Shes Even Pregnant Again Bring On F.3.E.R lol
  • Dorglesisthebest - September 21, 2010 9:15 p.m.

    Trying not to spoil anything, but look at FEAR Dentons from Deus Ex 1/2 Of course the Olympians from god of war
  • Clovin64 - September 21, 2010 8:48 p.m.

    I've completed Bayonetta three times, and I still don't know what the hell was going on. I fail.
  • Kapwan - September 21, 2010 8:34 p.m.

    Besides the fact Jin is Kazuya's son and Lee is Hehihaci's adopted son and Kazuya's step brother, which other users already called out, you forgot that there is another Mishima son. The new character with thephysically impossible hairstyle, Lars Alexandersson is Heihachi's son and Kazuya's half brother.
  • GamesRadarMatthewKeast - September 21, 2010 7:20 p.m.

    I made fixes to the text. The Bayonetta one wasn't really incorrect, just misleading. It makes more sense now that I put quotes around "daughter"
  • gilgamesh310 - September 21, 2010 7:13 p.m.

    A decent list but where the hell is soul reaver?! Surely Raziel and has brothers have more issues than even the snake family.
  • taterboob - September 21, 2010 4:02 p.m.

    It seems like just about every game journo as of late has found some excuse to cram Shadow of the Colossus into their lists. Dysfunctional families? Seriously? Look, I'm just as excited about Ico/SotC HD and Last Guardian as the next guy, but that seems like a bit of a stretch to me.
  • luckyseven - September 21, 2010 3:58 p.m.

    Totally agree with Genericpenisjoketista on dmc familt... And kratos's family has some serious issues too...although its definitely not the most disturbing family in greek mythology...
  • AA95mp - September 21, 2010 3:57 p.m.

    i think some fallout 3 familys should be mentioned like the Lone Wanderer and his/her dad (in my opinion one of the worst dads in gaming) or the boss of the vault and Amata

Showing 1-20 of 54 comments

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