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The attack: Groin squeeze
Bloodlust sated for now? Good, then let’s get the rest of the minimally violent groin attacks out of the way. Bully (or Canis Canem Edit, for you in the UK) is one of Rockstar’s less violent games, but its hero might be the first videogame character ever to cup a pair of balls in his hand and squeeze until his enemy is reduced to a sad mess. It happens randomly, whenever Jimmy’s accosted by one of Bullworth Academy’s roaming prefects.
Struggle to escape, and you might be rewarded with this unpleasant scene:
This leaves them doubled over in agony, but only for a moment, so at this point it’s probably a good idea to run away very fast.
Above: WHY WOULD YOU JUST STAND THERE
The attack: Seichusen Godanzuki
Given how bizarre, lethal and supposedly evil some of Street Fighter’s stable of brawlers are, it’s a little surprising that none of them have ever really gone for a low blow. Leave it to Makoto, the slow karateka nobody likes to play as, to break the nut-punch barrier with her Seichusen Godanzuki Ultra Combo.
Said nut-punch is fleeting, so it’s understandable if you missed it, especially considering that it’s immediately followed up by a series of rapid body blows…
… and a punch to the jaw that sends her nearly castrated opponent spiraling dozens of feet into the air.
Again, though, a crotch attack this elaborate is the kind of thing you have to see in motion to truly appreciate:
The attack: Balls to the Wall
The Def Jam games seem to have an unusually high animosity toward balls. During the course of an average match in Def Jam: Fight for NY, for example, you can expect to see balls casually kicked, punched and stomped. But at no point are they the focus of more hatred than when Redman (aka Doc) activates his special rage attack, which involves lifting his opponent by the throat and delivering a few quick, nasty-looking jabs to the groin.
Not content to stop there, Red throws his victim across the arena, face-first…
… and then lines up a running kick to the nuts so devastating, it actually flips his enemies over onto their backs, where they invariably curl into a crotch-clutching fetal position.
Here it is again in motion:
The attack: Ball Buster
OK, OK – one last comical, close-quarters strike and then we’ll move on to the really destructive stuff. For what it’s worth, though, God Hand’s Ball Buster is the best attack of its kind, at least in terms of low-comedy payoff. It’s nothing complicated; just a lunge forward, a quick spin and a donkey kick to the nuts, which makes an evocative “ding!” noise and conjures a laugh track out of nowhere.
What makes it the best? Only the fact that it forces probably the most realistic reaction to getting kicked in the nuts really hard by a martial arts expert. Your enemy’s face turns blue, and instead of just clutching at his injured sack like everyone else, he’ll actually turn around, double over and do a few hops to lessen the pain before turning back to you, mad as hell.
Does that sound like fun? Then you’ll probably like this montage video we whipped up:
The attack: Syphilis
Back in the days when the Leisure Suit Larry series wasn’t completely horrible, pathetic would-be ladies man Larry Laffer had the option of losing his virginity, fairly early in the game, to a prostitute.
Above: Don’t worry/get your hopes up; all you’ll see is a bouncing censor bar
However, if you forgot to make him put on a condom beforehand – and you probably did, because you likely didn’t even know they were available until after this moment – he’ll stroll out of the seedy bar where he met her and his crotch will literally explode. We could pictorialize this, but it’s probably better if you just watch it for yourself:
The attack: Crotch shot
GoldenEye was a game of firsts – first truly great console first-person shooter, first Bond game not to suck ass – and one of its most notably ground-breaking moves was to be one of the first shooters to put its enemies through a special animation if you managed to ding them in the nuts with your bullets.
It wasn’t exactly spectacular, especially by today’s standards; your block-fisted enemies would double over, clutch at their junk and sort of pantomime wincing for a few seconds before straightening up and shooting at you again. But somehow, that never made it any less rewarding to line up the perfect shot in the heat of combat – no mean feat, with the N64’s finicky precision-aiming controls – and comically castrate your enemies before slapping them with a few more bloody patches and moving on.
Above: Even some 13 years later, it never fails to be a little bit funny