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Gaming’s most devastating genital attacks

Bully

The attack: Groin squeeze

Bloodlust sated for now? Good, then let’s get the rest of the minimally violent groin attacks out of the way. Bully (or Canis Canem Edit, for you in the UK) is one of Rockstar’s less violent games, but its hero might be the first videogame character ever to cup a pair of balls in his hand and squeeze until his enemy is reduced to a sad mess. It happens randomly, whenever Jimmy’s accosted by one of Bullworth Academy’s roaming prefects.

Struggle to escape, and you might be rewarded with this unpleasant scene:

This leaves them doubled over in agony, but only for a moment, so at this point it’s probably a good idea to run away very fast.


Above: WHY WOULD YOU JUST STAND THERE

Wince factor:


Super Street Fighter IV

The attack: Seichusen Godanzuki

Given how bizarre, lethal and supposedly evil some of Street Fighter’s stable of brawlers are, it’s a little surprising that none of them have ever really gone for a low blow. Leave it to Makoto, the slow karateka nobody likes to play as, to break the nut-punch barrier with her Seichusen Godanzuki Ultra Combo.


Above: HWOOORGH 

Said nut-punch is fleeting, so it’s understandable if you missed it, especially considering that it’s immediately followed up by a series of rapid body blows…

… and a punch to the jaw that sends her nearly castrated opponent spiraling dozens of feet into the air.

Again, though, a crotch attack this elaborate is the kind of thing you have to see in motion to truly appreciate:

Wince factor:


Def Jam: Fight for NY

The attack: Balls to the Wall

The Def Jam games seem to have an unusually high animosity toward balls. During the course of an average match in Def Jam: Fight for NY, for example, you can expect to see balls casually kicked, punched and stomped. But at no point are they the focus of more hatred than when Redman (aka Doc) activates his special rage attack, which involves lifting his opponent by the throat and delivering a few quick, nasty-looking jabs to the groin.

Not content to stop there, Red throws his victim across the arena, face-first…

… and then lines up a running kick to the nuts so devastating, it actually flips his enemies over onto their backs, where they invariably curl into a crotch-clutching fetal position.

Here it is again in motion:

Wince factor:


God Hand

The attack: Ball Buster

OK, OK – one last comical, close-quarters strike and then we’ll move on to the really destructive stuff. For what it’s worth, though, God Hand’s Ball Buster is the best attack of its kind, at least in terms of low-comedy payoff. It’s nothing complicated; just a lunge forward, a quick spin and a donkey kick to the nuts, which makes an evocative “ding!” noise and conjures a laugh track out of nowhere.


Above: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

What makes it the best? Only the fact that it forces probably the most realistic reaction to getting kicked in the nuts really hard by a martial arts expert. Your enemy’s face turns blue, and instead of just clutching at his injured sack like everyone else, he’ll actually turn around, double over and do a few hops to lessen the pain before turning back to you, mad as hell.

Does that sound like fun? Then you’ll probably like this montage video we whipped up:

Wince factor:


Leisure Suit Larry 1: In the Land of the Lounge Lizards

The attack: Syphilis

Back in the days when the Leisure Suit Larry series wasn’t completely horrible, pathetic would-be ladies man Larry Laffer had the option of losing his virginity, fairly early in the game, to a prostitute.


Above: Don’t worry/get your hopes up; all you’ll see is a bouncing censor bar 

However, if you forgot to make him put on a condom beforehand – and you probably did, because you likely didn’t even know they were available until after this moment – he’ll stroll out of the seedy bar where he met her and his crotch will literally explode. We could pictorialize this, but it’s probably better if you just watch it for yourself:

Wince factor:


GoldenEye 007

The attack: Crotch shot

GoldenEye was a game of firsts – first truly great console first-person shooter, first Bond game not to suck ass – and one of its most notably ground-breaking moves was to be one of the first shooters to put its enemies through a special animation if you managed to ding them in the nuts with your bullets.

It wasn’t exactly spectacular, especially by today’s standards; your block-fisted enemies would double over, clutch at their junk and sort of pantomime wincing for a few seconds before straightening up and shooting at you again. But somehow, that never made it any less rewarding to line up the perfect shot in the heat of combat – no mean feat, with the N64’s finicky precision-aiming controls – and comically castrate your enemies before slapping them with a few more bloody patches and moving on.


Above: Even some 13 years later, it never fails to be a little bit funny 

Wince factor:

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81 comments

  • conqueso - November 18, 2010 4:30 p.m.

    Blitz, OMFG!!!!
  • Nolidusk - August 20, 2010 6:44 a.m.

    wtf? a football game beat manhunt? xD
  • Chiefslapaho - August 12, 2010 1:19 p.m.

    You had me at fractured testicle.
  • ShatteringBallsCSIStyle - August 12, 2010 3:51 a.m.

    Nice post =)
  • jimmdogg - August 2, 2010 10:40 p.m.

    Really? You're going to make me sit through the same ad for EVERY video embedded on the page? Pass.
  • Sy87 - August 2, 2010 6:32 p.m.

    Ah I have to be honest i'm a good quick shot, but more often than not I do shoot nuts more. Not on purpose. I had so many final kill cams in MW2 that shows me shooting all my bullets in the nether region. In a game called "golden terror" (a light gun game) my friends got on me for hitting below the waist. So if you play me wear a bullet proof cup.
  • QWERTYCommander - August 2, 2010 5:14 p.m.

    Where's Heavy Rain: The Taxidermist? Madison took a fucking CHAINSAW to a guy's balls! And yes, the Blitz video looked extremely painful. Iwas almost clutching my nuts there.
  • HardlyBirdman - August 2, 2010 2:27 p.m.

    wow.... that last one hurt. I can't believe that wasfrom a friggin sports game! My most memorable attack would be from the N64 wrestling games (wcw vs nwo, no mercy, etc). The single chime when fist meets crotch..... >ding!< will forever be ingrained in my mind as the seminal low blow sound.
  • pin316 - August 2, 2010 10:39 a.m.

    sprry for double post btw, but also meant to mention was a little disappointed that only sophitia's attack from soul blade/calibur was listed - Kilik's Dirty Bo / Trick Bo more than fill the criteria...one of the most satisfying ring-outs ever when you land it - hit the guy in the nuts wiht a staff, then follow through by using the staff to lift them over your head by his nuts and drop them behind you!
  • pin316 - August 2, 2010 10:35 a.m.

    awesomeness - i really enjoyed stranglehold when i played it through anyway, and finding out nutshots had their own animation in the precision aim mechanic made it just that little bit more enjoyable!
  • TJay25oo - August 2, 2010 4:44 a.m.

    What about Heavy Rain?! The game's DLC: Taxidermist was the greatest devastating gential attack of all time! Go to youtube website and search: heavy rain DLC: the taxidermist pt. 9 by darksydephil. Its the best so far!
  • A13X0929 - August 2, 2010 12:36 a.m.

    shadow`s ball bite FTW
  • elpurplemonkey - August 2, 2010 12:32 a.m.

    Who knew balls could be so entertaining?
  • waitingforCharlietosnap - August 1, 2010 10:29 p.m.

    Holy. Shit.
  • Zeb364 - August 1, 2010 7:31 p.m.

    I'm sorry, Blitz is over the top. It crossed the line between funny and ludicrous. And when I saw the first Dead to Rights screen featuring "Scrotality" I thought it had been photoshopped in until I read the caption.
  • Clovin64 - August 1, 2010 7:22 p.m.

    Oh God...now no one will ever convince me to play any kind of sport. The white gunk that splatted over the screen was realistic, but ball achingly horrifying! Tonight I'm going to sleep with a pillow tucked between my legs. For protection obviously. As for the Leisure Suit Larry one...see what happens when you dont use a condom kids?
  • fartinapot - August 1, 2010 6:07 p.m.

    That last one was a MAJOR hit to the nuts. This was a cool article.
  • admjwt - August 1, 2010 5:34 p.m.

    damn blitz is prty brutal with the nut smashing
  • masterdarkheart - August 1, 2010 4:23 p.m.

    What no Nina Williams from Tekken. for shame one of the best ball shots ever
  • racer100power - August 1, 2010 2:44 p.m.

    OMFG!!!!

Showing 1-20 of 81 comments

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