Gaming's least wise wiseguys

Joseph Daniel O’Toole, GTA: Liberty City Stories

A heavy-set mobster who likes surfing for grot on the net when he’s not running a strip club or delving into other criminal activities. Among his many wholesome pastimes, O’Toole enjoys making snuff films… oh, and having folk brutally offed. Thankfully, his pervy ways aren’t inflicted upon you for long in Liberty City Stories, and he soon gets whacked by a rival family. Tony Cipriani then has the joyous job of loading his fat keester into a car, before sending the vehicle packing into the sea. We’ll say this for him, though: dude knows how to rock a dirty vest.

Also seen in: Goodfellas (Johnny Roastbeef)

Big boned, always being lead around by their dick (Roastbeef gets rubbed out after he buys his wife a Cadillac with money from a heist) and they both end up dead in a car. Yup, these two are pretty much decomposing soul mates.

Uncle Paulie, The Darkness

Here’s a question for all those who dream of growing up to be made men. If you were the don of a crime family would you spend your twilight years a) sitting back and stuffing yourself with cannelloni, drinking red wine and watching old Sopranos reruns or b) whacking the girlfriend of a guy who’s possessed by a demon that likes to rip people’s chests open and feast on the juicy hearts inside? Now, we do realise this is a rather tricksy choice, so we’ll give you a moment to ponder.

Hindsight’s a wonderful thing, ain’t it? We think it’s safe to assume that if Paulie could go back and do things differently, he’d probably leave Jackie Eastacado and his missus alone. Of course, maybe he likes a possessed Jackie eviscerating all his underlings with his horrible demon tentacles. So perhaps things panned out just as he was hoping.

Also seen in: The Untouchables (Al Capone)

De Niro’s turn as the legendary Chicago kingpin is truly terrifying and the bit where he caves his henchman’s skull in with a baseball bat reminds us of the sheer brutality of when Paulie callously kills Jackie’s other half Jenny. Although admittedly, getting imprisoned for tax evasion and being murdered by a hell beastie aren’t exactly the same.

Jack Lupino, Max Payne

A mob boss with a twist. With that twist being he’s a demon-worshipping psycho who’s addicted to a designer drug, known as Valkyr, which makes him damn near impossible to kill. Geez, we think we’ll stick with nice Mr. Capone and his friendly baseball bat. Among Jack’s many winning, totally not delusional qualities, he believes himself to be a messenger from Hell… oh, and he also thinks he’s a wolf. We’ll be honest; it makes a refreshing change from money laundering and run of the mill hits over respect. Too bad Max Payne shoots his face off. We were just getting to like the crazy little tyke.

Also seen in: <sigh> Sadly, the Max Payne movie. <bigger sigh> And his onscreen counterpart is played by that guy from Prison Break.

Man, the Max Payne film makes us sad. And for the love of Goodfellas, put a shirt on, dude.

Sep 15, 2010


  • GaryTheGuidoHunter - September 17, 2010 9:32 p.m.

    Thank You GamesRadar for highlighting the difference between these wiseguys and your average joe guidos. Yours in faith, Gary
  • philipshaw - September 17, 2010 12:20 p.m.

    Great article, sort of shows the problem with mobster characters in games in that they are always based on something from a film and not original
  • ballplayer27 - September 17, 2010 3:28 a.m.

    Not only was that spam customized for the article, a very nice touch, it also mentions that he was 8 years older than her. It then says the website is for mature women wanting younger men. Who would have guessed the spammer is f*cking retard as well?
  • dorrick - September 17, 2010 12:22 a.m.

  • TheBoz - September 16, 2010 9:22 p.m.

    Why not flood their websites with spam and stuff that is posting these stupid adverts?
  • CH3BURASHKA - September 16, 2010 4:09 p.m.

    The first time I played Max Payne when I was 9-ish, Lupino's level scared the crap out of me. Satanic theme really got to me, and it took me forever to beat the level. And yes, the Max Payne movie makes us sad; that's why we don't go see it and pretend it never existed.
  • n00b - September 16, 2010 3:28 p.m.

    @ffgghh "click in. Let’s Facelift bar!" wtf this being a game site why do we only get spam about clothes?
  • Helios - September 16, 2010 2:27 p.m.

    When speaking of Jack Lupino you say he "...shoots his face off." I would say that that is quite an understatement, as you have to pump about fifty rounds into the guy to kill him, and then Max pumps about fifteen more rounds into Lupino's dead body. Still, kind of cool that ol' Lupino made it on this list.
  • wittynickname - September 16, 2010 2:04 p.m.

    Regarding the first entry, one can have a grisly death, but not a grizzly one. Unless you've been mauled by a bear, I suppose.
  • bluscorp - September 16, 2010 1:44 p.m.

    F*cking spam is getting on my nerves.
  • Mooshon - September 16, 2010 1:38 p.m.

    ...bespoke spam, lovely!
  • IsaacFenix - September 16, 2010 12:33 p.m.

    Wow, no less than three spammers on an article less than one day old. At least you know you're popular! Oooh, an Ed Hardy T-shirt for $14!!
  • Sala106 - September 16, 2010 11:49 a.m.

    Nat soh wize ar yah wize guhy?
  • Fiirestorm21 - September 16, 2010 11:34 a.m.

    Enzo from Bayonetta was exactly the first character to pop into my head when I saw the title. Fuhgettaboutit.
  • bluscorp - September 16, 2010 9:16 a.m.

    Ps. I liked the film Micky blue eyes, it was funny.
  • bluscorp - September 16, 2010 9:15 a.m.

    How could you not include that stupid, 4ft tall idiot Mori Kibbutz from Ballad of Gay Tony. I just wanted to shoot hes little pea sized head off.

Showing 1-16 of 16 comments

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