Gaming's least wise wiseguys

They'll make you a moronic offer you can definitely refuse... then poke fun at

A heavy-set mobster who likes surfing for grot on the net when he’s not running a strip club or delving into othercriminal activities. Among his manywholesome pastimes, O’Toole enjoys making snuff films… oh, and having folk brutally offed. Thankfully, his pervy ways aren’t inflicted upon you for long in Liberty City Stories, and he soon gets whacked by a rival family. Tony Cipriani then has the joyous job of loading his fat keester into a car, before sending the vehicle packing into the sea. We’ll say this for him, though: dude knows how to rock a dirty vest.

Also seen in:Goodfellas(Johnny Roastbeef)

Big boned, always being lead around by their dick (Roastbeef gets rubbed out after he buys his wife a Cadillac with money from a heist) and they both end up dead in a car. Yup, these two are pretty much decomposing soul mates.

Here’s a question for all those who dream of growing up to be made men. If you were the don of a crime family would you spend your twilight years a) sitting back and stuffing yourself with cannelloni, drinking red wine and watching old Sopranos reruns or b) whacking the girlfriend of a guy who’s possessed by a demon that likes to rip people’s chests open and feast on the juicyhearts inside? Now, we do realise this is a rather tricksy choice, so we’ll give you a moment to ponder.

Hindsight’s a wonderful thing, ain’t it? We think it’s safe to assume that if Paulie could go back and do things differently, he’d probably leave Jackie Eastacado and his missus alone. Of course, maybe he likes a possessed Jackie eviscerating all his underlings with his horrible demon tentacles. So perhaps things panned out just as he was hoping.

Also seen in: The Untouchables (Al Capone)

A mob boss with a twist. With that twist being he’s a demon-worshipping psycho who’s addicted to a designer drug, known as Valkyr, which makes him damn near impossible to kill. Geez, we think we’ll stick with nice Mr. Capone and his friendly baseball bat. Among Jack’s many winning, totally not delusional qualities, he believes himself to be a messengerfrom Hell… oh, and he also thinks he’s a wolf. We’ll be honest; it makes a refreshing change from money laundering and run of the mill hits over respect. Too bad Max Payne shoots his face off. We were just getting to like the crazy littletyke.

Also seen in: Sadly, the Max Payne movie. And his onscreen counterpart is played by that guy from Prison Break.

Man, the Max Payne film makes us sad. And for the love of Goodfellas, put a shirt on, dude.

Sep 15, 2010

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