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Gaming’s least hard hard-men



Why you’d think he’s a hard man


Above: Learn a lesson kids. Gun crime is only kinda cool

As comfortable with a gun as he is at dishing out ‘street’ philosophy, Sweet is a hard nut with a bit of brains. He’s viciously loyal to the families in the Grove Street area he lives in, frequently clearing out rival gang bangers and dealers. He also drinks beer, plays poker and shoots first.

Why he’s not hard at all

Because he makes Princess Peach and Ico’s Yorda look like strong, self-reliant characters. The guy constantly needs to be rescued. You need to save him and his ‘bitch’ when they get attacked outside a hotel. You need to save him from prison. You even need to save him from himself when he gets tempted by drugs. Stick him in the top room of a tower in a feudal kingdom, with a hankie to wave out the window, and you’d have the first ever gang banger to qualify as a damsel in distress.


Above: No one wants this night in Paris

Not as hard as… Zero

Capping someone in the ass from half a block away is beneath a guy like Zero, who often wages full scale wars, complete with helicopters and tanks. Battles with arch-nemesis Berkley may be fought on a miniature model scale, but their sheer ferocity is the definition of hard. He even helps pull off an Ocean’s Eleven-esque casino heist.


Above: You don’t need 11 guys when you’ve got Zero

Why you’d think he’s a hard man


Above: Nothing says hard like picking fights with small children

On the surface Russell appears to be an amalgamation of every bully you’ve ever come across in your life. He’s the guy who stole your lunch money, the one who beat you up after school, the sort who gave you the dreaded rear admiral.

Canis Canem Edit’s alpha wedgie-giver is the vicious type too and his brutal fighting style and limited vocabulary seem to have been taken straight from The Incredible Hulk. There’s also no one he won’t beat up. From preppies, greasers, geeks and even cops; he’d give God a dead arm if he got the chance.

Why he’s not hard at all

Russell not only gets beaten up by a kid half his size – in turn becoming his willing servant for the rest of Bully – he gets beaten up by this kid…


Above: Reindeer chic always terrifies bullies

Not as hard as… Earnest Jones

Having fists hard like concrete is all fine and well, but we’d rather be backed up by the geek with the death ray. Not only is Jones a brilliant inventor, his moral compass is turned to maniacal. He’s the perfect mad scientist in the making. And anyone who has the potential to vaporise entire cities is hard in our book.


Above: C'mon, who wouldn't want their own child-killing death ray?

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28 comments

  • sofaku - January 8, 2010 5:56 p.m.

    surprised i didn't see lord Lucien. u know when u fight him at the end of fable and he acts all baddass but all you have to do is shoot him before he finishes his little speech.
  • Heyexclamationpoint - January 6, 2010 2:35 p.m.

    Qwark reminds me of Zapp Brannigan from Futurama
  • m1bayluv41510 - November 11, 2009 3:28 a.m.

    make a t-shirt showing a stoogie chomping, machine gun rocking robot like that image of clank G.R. so i can buy the shit outta them!
  • Romination - January 29, 2009 3:41 a.m.

    I think Destroyman needed a mention. After all...he was really a postman. wtf is that all about!? You could even put Silvia as harder than he was
  • masenjo - January 28, 2009 1:47 p.m.

    Never fuck with Florian
  • Hurricrane - January 28, 2009 1:22 p.m.

    rofl great article, I love me some Issun
  • AA95mp - January 28, 2009 1 p.m.

    i'm not surprised captain Q is on here but i don't think he qualifys as looking hard at all
  • FierceDeity - January 28, 2009 2:38 a.m.

    oh fine fine, you put warning - contains spoilers right at the top in tiny writing. but still goddammit
  • Kirbykiller4 - January 28, 2009 1:12 a.m.

    Geez,that mirrors edge screenshot looked terrible for some reason.
  • game-thugsta - January 27, 2009 11:57 p.m.

    Zero's hard? The nerd who was hoisted up in his closet by his underpants? Besides Sweet smoked tons of fools and singled handedly brought Grove back (CJ was planning to leave it.) Oh and Master Chief has smoked wayyy more aliens than clank.
  • RebornKusabi - January 27, 2009 8:57 p.m.

    You know, I never thought about this until I read this article but Bernie is kinda built up to be a badass! Considering Him, Niko and Darko (I think that's all, if not then add whomever I missed) were the only ones that "survived", he has to have SOME battle skills...
  • schmeidenkamp - January 27, 2009 6:26 p.m.

    14 john wayne films back to back. lol
  • RonnyLive19881 - January 27, 2009 5:53 p.m.

    Hmm I think they missed someone...
  • skyguy343 - January 27, 2009 5:29 p.m.

    that bastard kamek always used his magic powers to catch pop flies in mario superstar baseball. what an asshole
  • UnreaK745 - January 27, 2009 4:31 p.m.

    i just can't stop... i have to.... FIRST!!!!!! there u go I said it... awesome article btw u rock!!
  • dougle - February 25, 2009 8:08 a.m.

    captain Qwark IS the greatest super hero the galaxy has ever known!
  • oreopizza47 - February 1, 2009 2:29 a.m.

    i agree that Brucie isn't hard in the slightest, but it's not the jewelery that kills his look. obviously, no one here knows Mr. T. Mr. T pities all you fools.
  • deathrebellion - January 29, 2009 10:19 p.m.

    Lolz ISSUN yup he's the definition of Hardass Hard man
  • Jason.Darksavior - January 28, 2009 8:47 a.m.

    Nice Article.
  • MoChilla - January 28, 2009 3:59 a.m.

    Also, bowser gets swung by his tail in 64. tsk, tsk, not gangsta.

Showing 1-20 of 28 comments

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