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From: Any game with his name in the title
Weighs as much as: 8 trillion microgames
Since first appearing in Super Mario Land 2 16 years ago, Wario has yet to defeat Mario. But he has spun-off into his own series of games that have drastically diminished the attention span of millions of kids already too aloof to sit still in Social Studies.
Nintendo has turned Wario’s inability to properly digest food into his defining attribute. He can currently be seen farting up a storm in Mario Strikers Charged and Super Smash Bros. Brawl.
Weighs as much as: Ten Yakov Smirnoffs
Even though he had a gut that looked like it'd just been circumcised, this mustachioed Russian flesh-bubble fought with a ninja’s stamina. Karnov battled some of the strangest baddies in all gamedom, including giant fish, ostrich-riding skeletons and quarter-scale Tyrannosauruses.
Apparently, Data East loved this fatty enough to make him their de facto mascot for a brief period, even having him appear in other games including Bad Dudes arcade game and the bafflingly titled Trio the Punch - Never Forget Me...
HUGO "HURLEY" REYES
From: Lost: Via Domus
Weighs as much as: Oceanic 815 passengers in rows 11 through 13
Much like Lost itself, Hurley’s role in the upcoming game is shrouded in mystery. Why was he in a mental institution? Where did he get his nickname? When was the last time he saw his feet on an island with no mirrors? Knowing Lost, we could probably play through the game and still never know.
His many crevices produce more moisture than a tropical weather cycle.
JABBA THE HUTT
From: Star Wars Galaxies
Weighs as much as: 250 medium-sized Muppets
Despite being a morbidly obese slob, Mr. Hutt managed to oversee a substantial criminal empire. Never mind that Jabba couldn’t even walk until the advent of CGI, this Tatooine-er drooled leadership and belched razzmatazz.
Do you really think that anyone with that many assassins at his beck and call would go out strangled by a 100-pound princess?
He allowed it to happen. Jabba was a freak-nastay!
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