Gaming's freakiest monsters: A biological study


Biosphere: Doom 3: Resurrection of Evil
Classification: Monitorus incisors

A truly remarkable organism, the Bruiser tends to be somewhat of a recluse, remaining hidden in dark places like Mars mining colonies or the churning depths of Hell. Initially, the television-monitor apparatus serves as a sort of lure – unsuspecting homo sapiens attempting to interface with the internet are drawn to the allure like a bee to a flower.

We also see that the secondary function of the television-monitor apparatus is to communicate – in this case, the all-important and universal warning of baring the teeth with the mouth open – a sure sign that an intruder has stumbled into a Bruiser’s territory. Remember, if a predator makes the effort to warn you, it’s more interested in protecting its territory than in harming you, and is in fact probably quite afraid of you.

Also note the horns and powerful arm plates. Based on the positioning of the horns on the head, they probably aren’t very useful as weapons, since leaning forward to present them toward prey would put the delicate monitor near the ground and other objects that might break it. Therefore, most scientists agree that the horns are merely decorative, or may help in foraging – the Bruiser using them to rub against trees to pry loose tasty leaves. As for the arms, some have posited that they are designed for digging. Indeed, if the Bruiser can burrow and partially conceal itself, it can better disguise its facial monitor as an alluring internet terminal.

Turtle Boss Thingy

Biosphere: Contra: Shattered Soldier
Classification: Terrapin buttface

A shy creature, the Turtle Boss Thingy made its first appearance in Contra III, where it refused to show the lovely apparatus on its posterior end. Initially thought to simply be a hideous, giant mutant turtle, the creature revealed its most interesting trait in Contra: Shattered Soldier.

When frightened, the Turtle Boss Thingy presents its posterior, much like the behavior of the common skunk. In this case, instead of musk glands, it illicits the response of HOLY GOD WHAT THE F--- IS THAT?

Ahem. Certain moths and caterpillars have developed features, often away from their head, that simulate the facial characteristics of larger, more dangerous animals in order to frighten and confuse potential predators. Many animals have shown behaviors such as vomiting or defecating in order to “gross out” attackers. In the case of the Turtle Boss Thingy, scientists are unsure exactly which body function it is performing.

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  • Kaltoria - July 29, 2010 6:27 a.m.

    very surprised that the cerberus from fallout 3 isn't on here
  • Jadernader - July 29, 2010 3:19 a.m.

    Iron Maiden was the scariest thing of RE4.... one gave me a huge bear hug n shot all its spikes thru my body.... yeah that killed me...
  • axelgarcia1 - November 1, 2009 4:16 a.m.

    lol terrapin buttface and the crapyourpanticus lol
  • noobeater - November 1, 2009 12:51 a.m.

    lol your vocabulary impresses me on a completely unrelated note reCAPTCHA scottish boning. hahahaha
  • deathrebellion - October 30, 2009 3:11 p.m.

    this article cud actually go on and on and on,................. The classification names r soooooo funny =)) especially Terrapin BUTTFACE!!!!! :D
  • TheWebSwinger - October 30, 2009 4:48 a.m.

    Wow. I just wanted to say that this is a really good, really well-researched article. Matt clearly knows his biology.
  • patri0t - October 30, 2009 1:44 a.m.

    no fallout 3 centaurs?!?!
  • Smeggs - October 30, 2009 12:18 a.m.

    I believe the Leapers tail would be used much like a spider-monkey's since its not very well adept for attacking. Grasping onto poles and other such protrusions in the destroyed confines of the Ishimura.
  • TrigunGunner - October 30, 2009 12:16 a.m.

    umm.. in my opinion it seemed like towards the end, you guys drifted away from the professional motif you were aiming for at the beginning of the feature. It was still a good and funny feature, but you lost some of the humor and scientific vocabulary along the way
  • patriotfan09 - October 29, 2009 10:40 p.m.

    @Xplosive: I agree, Centaurs are way freakier than Ghouls.
  • vitoruss - October 29, 2009 10:33 p.m.

    Actually, Resi 4 had a lot of good horrifying creatures. Salazar's right hand, the Beserkers, and especially 'It'.
  • vitoruss - October 29, 2009 10:30 p.m.

    Regenerators... scary shit right there. My friends and I would scream, and keep screaming, until we finally killed whatever one was chasing us. DMC had some pretty interesting creatures, like the 'nobodies'.
  • headcase - October 29, 2009 5:18 p.m.

    This is a great article! So well-written and informative!
  • kor2disturbed - October 29, 2009 5:07 p.m.

    I've never seen anything more disturbing than that effing turtle. At first I thought it wasn't ver creepy. But whn he turned around and it had tha human head ughhh.
  • MagicalSarai - October 29, 2009 2:40 p.m.

    Where the heck is the Brood Mother from Dragon Age: Origins... if that thing isn't freaky... I don't know what is?
  • Dombers - October 29, 2009 12:50 p.m.

    For best effects, read in a David Attenborough-style voice... Excellent article by the way...
  • VoodooPanda - October 29, 2009 11:01 a.m.

    Where's the monsters from The Suffering? They are pretty freaky too. Some of them more than the ones in the list.
  • thomashalpenny - October 29, 2009 10:50 a.m.

    The creepers from resistance?that levelin resistance 2 when your in the dark tunnel with the train carriages and the creeper eggs hatching randomly and then coming at you...scary shit!(sniggers)coming at you
  • Xplosive59 - October 29, 2009 10:34 a.m.

    good article GR but i think you should of added the centaur from fallout cause its one of the creatures that makes you go "what the hell is that... is it human!"
  • caboose4400 - October 29, 2009 10:16 a.m.

    god i hate the necromprphs the creepiest thing about them is that you can still see the ppls faces in them and the regeneraters screwed my whole game up trying to kill em was a pain in da ass