Gaming's freakiest monsters: A biological study


Biosphere: Silent Hill: Homecoming
Classification: Slouchicus hammerheadus

The curious Schism has long provoked debate over its diet. Most scientists believe its head is purpose built for sifting through mud for insects and worms. Wading through shallow freshwater bodies, it is thought to be a grazer. With its stooped posture, it is perfectly designed for bottom-feeding.

Oh. It seems the Schism's diet may indeed incorporate, uh, other elements. As the scythe-like appendage opens to engulf potential prey, we see that it serves another purpose. However, this may simply be a defensive mechanism for fending off predators or competition.

Without eyes, the Schism likely has a sharp sense of smell. That, or it senses vibrations in the ground, or potentially has electroreceptors in its “snout” similar to the lateral lines of a shark.


Biosphere: Silent Hill: Homecoming
Classification: Respirus interruptus

This fascinating creature, the Asphyxia relies on multiple legs for movement. This would allow it to easily climb many surfaces, leading researchers to believe it is either subterranean, or a tree-dweller. It is also possible that the Asphyxia is the larval form of another creature, much like a caterpillar. When questioned on what this adult form might be, one scientist remarked, “I’d rather not consider such a possibility.”

Here we can see where Asphyxia gets her name. She sure could save herself a lot of trouble by not covering her own mouth! Whether this is a defensive behavior is unknown. Since the animal is rearing up into an attack posture, some have speculated that it’s a reflex response similar to that of a shark rolling its eyes back to protect sensitive parts while biting. Of course, not much biting could occur when the mouth is covered.

Considering the anatomical structure of the Asphyxia, several questions remain. Is this the female of the species? No reports of “males” have been confirmed. Also, it’s not certain whether it is, in fact, a single organism. Several smaller individuals may be working in concert for the greater good of their “pack” or “herd.”


Biosphere: Demon’s Souls
Classification: Extendus tongus

Within the ecology of Demon's Souls, many creatures are extremely dangerous, and display fearsome appearances to match their disposition. The Adjudicator remains somewhat of a curiosity, being a strange, bloated toad-like thing with a long tongue and what seems to be a golden crown atop its head... with a bird nesting within the crown.

Similar to the tongue found on a chameleon, the Adjudicator’s tongue appears to be able to extend out multiple lengths of its body. Typically such a physical feat is achieved by folding the tongue in on itself multiple times within the mouth. However, considering the animal’s bulk, some have suggested that the tongue in fact is attached somewhere much deeper, within the belly.

The crown-like crest on the top of its head probably serves to attract mates. Usually, females would be impressed by how brightly the crest glows, or perhaps how elaborate the ridges are at the top. Some observers have reported colored displays to impress the opposite sex as well. As for the bird sitting on top, one possibility is that, like an elephant or a hippopotamus, the Adjudicator exists in a symbiotic relationship with local birds. Usually in these cases, the birds perch on the larger animal and pick annoying parasites from the hide, thus providing relief for the animal, and lunch for the bird.

Iron Maiden (Regenerator)

Biosphere: Resident Evil 4
Classification: Gaspus crapyourpantsicus

Detailed observation of the Iron Maiden and its lesser cousin, the Regenerator, has been difficult, as researchers refuse to go anywhere near them. While the overall physical appearance doesn’t at first seem sufficient to drive away a potential researcher, in the words of one scientist: “I can still hear that thing breathing when I’m lying in bed with the covers pulled up!”

Hmm, yes. Indeed, the behavior of these animals could certainly be classified as “unsettling.” The ragged breathing, some have speculated, is due to a congenital obstruction of the airways, as when asleep, these animals have displayed quite loud snores. Also, it’s possible they’re really cold all the time, since they don’t wear clothes and don’t have hair.

The Iron Maiden’s spiky protrusions don’t seem to serve much of a defensive purpose, and so might work like a spider’s hairs, sensing tiny vibrations and motion in the air around it.

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  • Kaltoria - July 29, 2010 6:27 a.m.

    very surprised that the cerberus from fallout 3 isn't on here
  • Jadernader - July 29, 2010 3:19 a.m.

    Iron Maiden was the scariest thing of RE4.... one gave me a huge bear hug n shot all its spikes thru my body.... yeah that killed me...
  • axelgarcia1 - November 1, 2009 4:16 a.m.

    lol terrapin buttface and the crapyourpanticus lol
  • noobeater - November 1, 2009 12:51 a.m.

    lol your vocabulary impresses me on a completely unrelated note reCAPTCHA scottish boning. hahahaha
  • deathrebellion - October 30, 2009 3:11 p.m.

    this article cud actually go on and on and on,................. The classification names r soooooo funny =)) especially Terrapin BUTTFACE!!!!! :D
  • TheWebSwinger - October 30, 2009 4:48 a.m.

    Wow. I just wanted to say that this is a really good, really well-researched article. Matt clearly knows his biology.
  • patri0t - October 30, 2009 1:44 a.m.

    no fallout 3 centaurs?!?!
  • Smeggs - October 30, 2009 12:18 a.m.

    I believe the Leapers tail would be used much like a spider-monkey's since its not very well adept for attacking. Grasping onto poles and other such protrusions in the destroyed confines of the Ishimura.
  • TrigunGunner - October 30, 2009 12:16 a.m.

    umm.. in my opinion it seemed like towards the end, you guys drifted away from the professional motif you were aiming for at the beginning of the feature. It was still a good and funny feature, but you lost some of the humor and scientific vocabulary along the way
  • patriotfan09 - October 29, 2009 10:40 p.m.

    @Xplosive: I agree, Centaurs are way freakier than Ghouls.
  • vitoruss - October 29, 2009 10:33 p.m.

    Actually, Resi 4 had a lot of good horrifying creatures. Salazar's right hand, the Beserkers, and especially 'It'.
  • vitoruss - October 29, 2009 10:30 p.m.

    Regenerators... scary shit right there. My friends and I would scream, and keep screaming, until we finally killed whatever one was chasing us. DMC had some pretty interesting creatures, like the 'nobodies'.
  • headcase - October 29, 2009 5:18 p.m.

    This is a great article! So well-written and informative!
  • kor2disturbed - October 29, 2009 5:07 p.m.

    I've never seen anything more disturbing than that effing turtle. At first I thought it wasn't ver creepy. But whn he turned around and it had tha human head ughhh.
  • MagicalSarai - October 29, 2009 2:40 p.m.

    Where the heck is the Brood Mother from Dragon Age: Origins... if that thing isn't freaky... I don't know what is?
  • Dombers - October 29, 2009 12:50 p.m.

    For best effects, read in a David Attenborough-style voice... Excellent article by the way...
  • VoodooPanda - October 29, 2009 11:01 a.m.

    Where's the monsters from The Suffering? They are pretty freaky too. Some of them more than the ones in the list.
  • thomashalpenny - October 29, 2009 10:50 a.m.

    The creepers from resistance?that levelin resistance 2 when your in the dark tunnel with the train carriages and the creeper eggs hatching randomly and then coming at you...scary shit!(sniggers)coming at you
  • Xplosive59 - October 29, 2009 10:34 a.m.

    good article GR but i think you should of added the centaur from fallout cause its one of the creatures that makes you go "what the hell is that... is it human!"
  • caboose4400 - October 29, 2009 10:16 a.m.

    god i hate the necromprphs the creepiest thing about them is that you can still see the ppls faces in them and the regeneraters screwed my whole game up trying to kill em was a pain in da ass

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