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Gaming's fittest fatties

The game – Prior to 2003’s Here Comes the Pain, the former WCW and WWE champion was as spry a seven footer as you’re ever likely to see. As quick across the mat as Rey Mysterio and as technical as Kurt Angle, there was nothing the big man couldn’t do. Hell, he could even perform gravity-defying top rope moves like the Hurricarana and the Shooting Star Press if you assigned them to him.

The Showster: A shining example of how to maximize your man boobs

The reality – If the Big Show actually performed a move from the top rope the resulting earthquake would reform the Earth’s tectonic plates. Thankfully, Yukes have seen sense in their more recent games, giving super heavyweights like the Showster their own unique move sets. Minus the top rope shenanigans, of course. The stamina system of the last few games has also seen the Big Show transform into the Big Slow, with the giant having to pause for breath after anything more taxing than toddling over the top rope.

Yep, this is how the continents were really formed. Who says we're not educational?

The games – The man known as Edmond to his friends, this sizeable sumo is one of Street Fighter’s deadliest combatants. Fast, agile and with a thong that could shelter your entire house when it rains, E. Honda’s signature Hundred Hand Slap has become one of the most feared and iconic moves in beat-‘em-ups.

He's fast, fearless and can dole out more slaps in a second than a bucket of wet fish: weight has never got in this supreme sumo's way

The reality – Too much sushi means the only thing a man of Honda’s size could hit is the speed dial for his local take away. And, against a lineup featuring fitness freaks like Ryu, Vega and Chun-Li’s thighs of granite, the big man would have a heart attack half way through the first round.

Edmond clearly wasn't pleased with the restaurant's 15% service charge

The games – The World Cup’s leading ever scorer, this samba striker has been running riot in PES and FIFA for over a decade. Suspiciously slim, quick like a greased Scotsman and injury free, the digital Ronnie can bang in belters like it was 2002 all over again.

Ronaldo: Striking a blow for every fat kid who was picked last for footie

The reality – Lard-assed, lumbering and crippled after a devastating knee knack, the real Milan marksman is more likely to dip into a bag of onion rings than burst the onion bag with a shot. Well, at least he has his looks to fall back on. Oh wait…

Ronnie doing an Elephant Man after 'literally' stuffing his face with onion rings

Have we missed your favourite fighting fit fatty? Let us know in our forum.

16 comments

  • Ryuhza - April 30, 2013 12:50 p.m.

    Barry is now considered fat? Maybe a little bulky, but fat? Like, overweight?
  • CARDYKEV - February 3, 2011 3:03 p.m.

    To be fair to the mention of Dr Robotnik at start of the final level in Sonic 2, i believe, you chase after him before he jumps into one of his machines but you can never catch him therefore he is faster than Sonic.
  • Japanaman - February 3, 2011 1:56 a.m.

    Somebody mentioned Dr. Eggman? Seriously? The dude uses machinery to get around. I highly doubt he qualifies as "fit".
  • Japanaman - February 3, 2011 1:54 a.m.

    Yeah, you forgot Bob, the sumo from Tekken, the sumo from Virtua Fighter 3, the fattie from Street Fighter IV if you consider him fit (I don't), the fat zombies from HotD 3, and Raiden/Big Bear.
  • myxboxgotE74 - January 24, 2010 4:08 p.m.

    ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm. oyt!!!!!
  • wisdom555 - September 7, 2008 8:23 a.m.

    First. that was funny about kirby nice article. I enjoy reading articles and such. I have one idea though. Maybe you could make a list on top 8 or 10 turrets. Like the turret in halo 3 and team fortress. You guys are the expert. If you accept my idea please let me know :)
  • uz_mike222 - August 15, 2009 10:50 p.m.

    @combatcat120 don't forget that he's able to double jump and from the Super Smash Bros. hes able to jump up from mid air and punch the hell out of someone while knocking coins. it was a great article and its so try about Kirby and if CJ was really fat in real life
  • lsohfan - January 28, 2009 11:02 p.m.

    but fatman was not really that fat! it was just his "indestructable" suit...
  • Fionachitauro - September 2, 2009 8:52 p.m.

    Well, On Tekken 5, theres a sumo wrestler which you unlock who is pretty fat.
  • CombatCat120 - August 14, 2009 6:59 p.m.

    An article about fatties and u had the stupidity to forget about Mario? Forget about saving the princess! that fat plumber shouldn't be able to jump high enough to reach a bucketful of 'shrooms!
  • Kaz993 - August 13, 2009 2:57 a.m.

    This article was somewhat disappointing and 'meh'. I liked the Kirby part though.
  • gamemaster100 - August 11, 2009 11:43 p.m.

    wat about dr. eggman?
  • AuthorityFigure - April 25, 2009 1:37 a.m.

    Way to dis Ronaldo.
  • McCloud64 - March 19, 2009 4:03 a.m.

    how about bob, from tekken 6
  • nik4ever - January 31, 2009 11:23 a.m.

    Ganryu and marduk from tekken series should be in this list .Anyway that is an awesome article!
  • NadaNuff - January 28, 2009 6:24 p.m.

    He's not well known (yet), but Rufus is not only the fattest character in Street Fighter IV, he's also the fastest. Getting beat down by fatties is humiliating even in the digital realm. There's also Chang (KOF), Cheng (Fatal Fury), Earthquake (Samurai Shodown) and a bunch of others who can floor you if you don't watch it.

Showing 1-16 of 16 comments

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