Gaming's coolest convicts

James Seth Lynch - Kane & Lynch: Dead Men

Many of the convicts on this list have some heroic or at least vaguely redeemable qualities. Sometimes, however, you want pure bastardry, and that's something provided by James Seth Lynch in abundance. You know he's a psycho because he's got three names, like all the mental ones have!

Lynch might look like a cross between Jeff Minter and The Grinch, but he's a fascinating character, not least due to his role within videogame lore. It's not often you get to play as an old, bitter, insane, thoroughly despicable character. Say what you will about Kane & Lynch's overall quality, the sheer hideousness and deplorability of the "heroes" made it unique. Not to mention, the fantastic co-op angle in which Lynch's hallucinations are made horrifyingly clear seals the deal. An outstanding videogame convict, if perhaps also a truly awful human being.

Riddick - Chronicles of Riddick: Escape From Butcher Bay

In your host's humble opinion, Butcher Bay started to fall apart as soon as the prison angle was dropped. During the opening chapters where Riddick was a true inmate, the atmosphere was great, the mission system was interesting, and the feeling of oppression was very unique. It kind of stopped being so good once Riddick made his escape and the game stopped feeling like an adventure game in favor of devolving into a straight shooter.

In any case, you can't say no to Vin Diesel, and that's why he's on the list. From his lovely bald head to a voice so dense you could lose a ship in it, The D-Man is perfect criminal anti-hero material. That's a skill your mother can be proud of.

Marcus Fenix - Gears of War

Is Marcus Fenix shitloads of amazing? More like ten shitloads! This husky-voiced grub scratcher is undeniably a rock-hard bastard with a face that only a mother could love and a mouth that only George Carlin could be proud of. Sentenced to 40 years on dereliction of duty charges, Fenix gets an early release thanks to the fact that destroying genocidal subterranean monstrosities is more important than jailing a war hero who missed his daddy.

Marcus may not have much more personality than your average videogame space marine, but his gallows humor and no-nonsense attitude betrays a surprisingly likable and identifiable old scrapper underneath the cynicism and swearing. He's a meathead, but we love him.

Ganon - The Legend of Zelda series

Ganon is perhaps gaming's most determined re-offender. Despite having been found guilty of heinous crimes and imprisoned multiple times across several potential realities, the self-styled King of Thieves has managed to trump the likes of Cody and Lynch thanks to the sheer scale of his daring escapes. While our more human convicts have broken out of mere brick-and-mortar jails, this guy can wriggle out of prisons that have been made by Gods. Alternate dimensions, underwater prisons, bodily destruction, nothing locks Ganon away for good. That's pretty impressive.

Ganon was put on trial by the Sages and originally sentenced to death, but he was so awesome that he couldn't even be executed properly. That's what a fantastic convict this Gerudo git happens to be, and why he'll never get parole. Besides which, who else could combine green skin with ginger orange hair and still be taken seriously as a credible bad guy?

Feb 3, 2011

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