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Gaming's best crusty old men

Gepetto

The archetypal lecherous old man that every good Japanese RPG requires, this magic-wielding puppeteer from Shadow Hearts: Covenent earns bonus points for being one of the creepiest ever created. Not only does he look like a classic pedophile in his murky long coat, dark glasses and sex offender beard, he also carries around a magical puppet that he named after his late daughter.

Gepetto likes to dress up this dead daughter puppet of his with clothes earned by collecting and trading gay porn. Seriously. Several of these dresses are particularly scanty, and in the Japanese version her most powerful “dress” is as invisible as the emperor’s new clothes. As if that wasn't bad enough, we later find out that Gepetto has a BDSM fetish and gets off on being tortured by young women.

So yeah ... Gepetto's pretty amazing.


The Anderson Brothers

Alan Wake isn't short of eccentric and bizarre characters, and chief among them are Tor and Odin Anderson, a pair of ex-rockers who are so obsessed with Norse mythology that they changed their names to better suit their Old Gods of Asgard stage personas. Tor is particularly far gone, obsessed with hammers and carrying around a toy squeaky one. He has also been known to wield his mighty weapon while running around naked.

Although they are clearly both insane, the Andersons still know how to rock, and become crucial to Alan Wake during the course of the game. They're also hilarious, with their banter being one of the Xbox 360 exclusive's brightest highlights.


Harman Smith

An old, slow, possibly catatonic old man in a wheelchair with an assistant that may or may not beat him up and a shattered mind housing seven distinct personalities. Yet Harman Smith is the world's most deadly assassin with a giant frigging rifle strapped to the back of his chair. Or is he?

In any case, Harman Smith is a confusing character in a confusing game, and he's also damn cool. He is so old and frail that he requires home help, yet is also some sort of demi-God who is part of someone else's brain but plays chess with another God and is sexually molested sometimes but not really but maybe yes really, actually.

Wait, what?


Dr. Zan

What do you do if you want to fight street punks with steel pipes but you've become too gnarled, bent and decrepit? Well, it's simple! You stick your head on the neck of a giant cyborg that turns solid matter into energy and then kick the crap out of anything with a pink mohawk.

Streets of Rage III was inherently ridiculous and stupid, but you have to respect any distinguished robotics scientist who's not afraid to get into the trenches, even if he needs to become a seven-foot-tall mistake of human folly in order to do it. I bet he doesn't need Viagra, either.


What do you think? Busted old fogeys or golden oldies? Let us know what you think (and bitch about us “missing” Heihachi, The End, Cranky Kong, Kain, and any other oldster who didn’t quite make the cut.) in the comments.

Sep 6, 2010

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53 comments

  • Montag - September 6, 2010 11:12 p.m.

    I thought the first craze had gone the way of all sad things but no. There are still people who define their lives by the ability to type a 5 letter word with some punctuation repeated. Very sad, why not get a girlfriend instead On a serious note, how could you forget Eli Vance? Only has 1 leg as well
  • KielbasaNinja - September 6, 2010 11:14 p.m.

    I'm actually glad you left off the likes of Cranky Kong. There's no place for him amongst the hardened vets that are Bill and Solid Snake. Cranky Kong's only amusing because he's useless and annoying. Great supporting cast member, but no more. This article is dead accurate the way it is.
  • slimjim441 - September 6, 2010 11:25 p.m.

    Dr. Wily
  • RampageUndeaD - September 6, 2010 11:28 p.m.

    i didnt ppl considered sam fisher old
  • RonnyLive19881 - September 6, 2010 11:32 p.m.

    What about the old man that hung out in Lake Hylia's Laboratory? He had a pet Shark!... although it may have died because he forgot to feed it. I hope there is a shark/pet mini game in the OOT remake for the 3DS!
  • screamfourme - September 6, 2010 11:38 p.m.

    i think Uncle deserves a spot just because of his mustard-stained beard, that was pretty badass
  • Calculatrice - September 6, 2010 11:38 p.m.

    I'm deeply disappointing that Jolee Bindo is not on this list.
  • SwampRock - September 6, 2010 11:40 p.m.

    Gepetto what a good rolemodel! I wanna be just like him.
  • RonnyLive19881 - September 6, 2010 11:40 p.m.

    @screamfourme, that wasn't mustard... that was tobacco!
  • skynetiscoming - September 6, 2010 11:45 p.m.

    I love the little touches added to MGS4 because of Snake's age. Having to stand up or lay down due to his back issues, staying out of the sun for fear of stroke and using a Playboy, cigarettes or drugs to keep in the fighting spirit makes MGS4 that much more intriguing.
  • Cyberninja - September 6, 2010 11:45 p.m.

    old people should be in more games
  • Jadernader - September 6, 2010 11:48 p.m.

    lol so u did remember The End...
  • Onepersonwithnoopinion - September 6, 2010 11:53 p.m.

    If only Bill's VA hadn't of gone to prison, then we would be seeing more of the old bastard.
  • RonnyLive19881 - September 7, 2010 12:01 a.m.

    @skynetiscoming saying it like that makes it sound flat out depressing... I'm glad I only played through it once Lol.
  • oufour - September 7, 2010 12:02 a.m.

    didn't this already happen? i could've sworn this was a top 7 before.
  • Fusionmix - September 7, 2010 12:14 a.m.

    GET OUR GUESTS SOME GODDAMN TEA! >:D
  • nemesisuprising - September 7, 2010 12:28 a.m.

    o cmon guys, no john marston? or maybe even edgar ross? john was old and anyone who paid enough attention to him knew it, and edgar ross was just an evil old bastard
  • BonafideMyth - September 7, 2010 12:35 a.m.

    19th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Is there and eyeroll emoticon?) Anyway where's The End from MGS 3, he's as ozay as it gets. There's no MGS boss battles as sudsy as Big Boss vs The End its a bonafide classic.
  • JoeMasturbaby - September 7, 2010 12:55 a.m.

    Tung Fu Rue from Fatal Fury is all i could think of when reading this article's title, but alas i am now disappoint.

Showing 1-20 of 53 comments

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