Gaming's best crusty old men


The archetypal lecherous old man that every good Japanese RPG requires, this magic-wielding puppeteer from Shadow Hearts: Covenent earns bonus points for being one of the creepiest ever created. Not only does he look like a classic pedophile in his murky long coat, dark glasses and sex offender beard, he also carries around a magical puppet that he named after his late daughter.

Gepetto likes to dress up this dead daughter puppet of his with clothes earned by collecting and trading gay porn. Seriously. Several of these dresses are particularly scanty, and in the Japanese version her most powerful “dress” is as invisible as the emperor’s new clothes. As if that wasn't bad enough, we later find out that Gepetto has a BDSM fetish and gets off on being tortured by young women.

So yeah ... Gepetto's pretty amazing.

The Anderson Brothers

Alan Wake isn't short of eccentric and bizarre characters, and chief among them are Tor and Odin Anderson, a pair of ex-rockers who are so obsessed with Norse mythology that they changed their names to better suit their Old Gods of Asgard stage personas. Tor is particularly far gone, obsessed with hammers and carrying around a toy squeaky one. He has also been known to wield his mighty weapon while running around naked.

Although they are clearly both insane, the Andersons still know how to rock, and become crucial to Alan Wake during the course of the game. They're also hilarious, with their banter being one of the Xbox 360 exclusive's brightest highlights.

Harman Smith

An old, slow, possibly catatonic old man in a wheelchair with an assistant that may or may not beat him up and a shattered mind housing seven distinct personalities. Yet Harman Smith is the world's most deadly assassin with a giant frigging rifle strapped to the back of his chair. Or is he?

In any case, Harman Smith is a confusing character in a confusing game, and he's also damn cool. He is so old and frail that he requires home help, yet is also some sort of demi-God who is part of someone else's brain but plays chess with another God and is sexually molested sometimes but not really but maybe yes really, actually.

Wait, what?

Dr. Zan

What do you do if you want to fight street punks with steel pipes but you've become too gnarled, bent and decrepit? Well, it's simple! You stick your head on the neck of a giant cyborg that turns solid matter into energy and then kick the crap out of anything with a pink mohawk.

Streets of Rage III was inherently ridiculous and stupid, but you have to respect any distinguished robotics scientist who's not afraid to get into the trenches, even if he needs to become a seven-foot-tall mistake of human folly in order to do it. I bet he doesn't need Viagra, either.

What do you think? Busted old fogeys or golden oldies? Let us know what you think (and bitch about us “missing” Heihachi, The End, Cranky Kong, Kain, and any other oldster who didn’t quite make the cut.) in the comments.

Sep 6, 2010

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  • shmikey - December 1, 2010 9:38 a.m.

    This brings to mind the possessed house from Ugly Americans. Now all I can think about is "USE THE GODDAMN COASTER!!!" That old crazy house, what will it kill with next?
  • barrage7667 - December 1, 2010 3:18 a.m.

    xcuse me?? WHAT ABOUT THE END!!! jeez hes the awesomest of the awesome
  • BurntToShreds - September 10, 2010 10:05 p.m.

    Bill is in Valhalla now...
  • skyline19 - September 9, 2010 1:04 p.m.

    Fisher isnt that old! hes still the greatest badass on the list though
  • MaynardJ - September 8, 2010 2 p.m.

    How about the guy that gives Link sword training in The Wind Waker? And his brother upstairs?
  • philipshaw - September 8, 2010 10:52 a.m.

    Great article but I would have had that gunslinger you meet in RDR when you first get into Mexico, his name escapes me though
  • b1utm3ister - September 8, 2010 1:30 a.m.

    ahhh loved this post! Well there's Borderland's TK (though he's not too old) but has a wooden leg and talks about taking some awful dumps so that's something.. Also Mr. Larry Laffer, he's old and crusty (everywhere) by now!
  • paganpoet - September 7, 2010 4:06 p.m.

    How could you not be obsessed with Snake's butt, though? It's practically in your face at all times in any MGS game.
  • grizzly311 - September 7, 2010 2:44 p.m.

    Glad to see Gepetto on the list. I forgot about that crazy bastard. Also reminds me that I never played the first Shadow Hearts.
  • mrplow8 - September 7, 2010 12:42 p.m.

    Where's Cranky Kong?
  • JD_Method - September 7, 2010 8:44 a.m.

    No Victor Sullivan from Uncharted? He's a dirty old man, and he shoots people too.
  • FETALJUICE - September 7, 2010 7:22 a.m.

    What about Shun-Di from the Virtua Fighter series? Old bastard with drunken master fighting style = pure WIN Colonel Hoffman from the Gears of War series? I love how he bitched at you for losing in the first Gears multiplayer and he still kicks Locust ass for being a Senior Officer.
  • Mamudo - September 7, 2010 5:53 a.m.

    Thumbs up for Gepetto!
  • The4X - September 7, 2010 5:32 a.m.

    Yeah, Zan's the best
  • ragingearth - September 7, 2010 4:34 a.m.

    Yeeeaahh, Heihachi should have DEFINITELY made the list. I'm the other bastard son of the Mishima Zaibastu...sue But still, this list is great. Love the Harman add from Killer 7. Game still blows my mind.
  • RUSSO - September 7, 2010 4:29 a.m.

    Sam Fisher is like Jack Bauer. Remember when "24" begun and Kiefer Sutherland had so long hair, and now in the 8th season he's just older. That's the same future for Fisher. Also, you could bring "The Truth" from GTA San Andreas. Everyone likes a hippie with such lovely van "The Motherhood" VW van.
  • ChipTheExecutioner - September 7, 2010 4:03 a.m.

    Where the hell is Auron?????????????????
  • TheWebSwinger - September 7, 2010 3:28 a.m.

    Jim Sterling: ...kind of a perv actually. Hahah
  • Sebastian16 - September 7, 2010 3:11 a.m.

    Your obsession with Solid Snake's buttocks knows no bounds, Mr. Sterling. I had to scroll up and see if you were the author as soon as I read that bit!
  • clamburger - September 7, 2010 2:46 a.m.

    No uncle from red dead? Or captain price?........what the hell......

Showing 1-20 of 53 comments

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