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Gaming's best crusty old men

Being old must have some fantastic perks. You can expose your genitalia in Wal-mart and get away with it, you can go to the toilet in your underwear and someone else will clean it up for you, and you suddenly see the appeal of all those daytime quiz shows. Yep, life close to death must be pretty sweet.

Old people also make for some great videogame characters, and to prove it, here's an article all about gaming's finest cantankerous elderly geezers. They may have more wrinkles than a baboon's ballbag, but they all kick ass in their special geriatric way.


Bill

Who doesn't love Left 4 Dead's zombie-shredding codger? Only petulant young punks who don't know they're born! As the elder statesman of the zombie apocalypse, Bill's combat experience and level headedness makes him one of the likeliest survivors of the Left 4 Dead series.

It's a shame that his experience didn't quite see him through to the end, but he'll still live forever in our memories.


Old Snake

Any list of old bastards is a failure if it doesn't include Solid Snake as he appears in Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. Prematurely aged due to being a clone of legendary soldier Big Boss, Snake decided that if he was going to get old, he was going to at least try and enjoy it.

Amping up his love of cigarettes, becoming a bitter goat of a shadow of his former glory, and growing the kind of mustache that only your grandpa can get away with, let it not be said that Snake doesn't make lemonade when life throws him lemons.

Old Snake is also noteworthy for having a fantastic arse for a man with the body of a seventy-year-old. Would that we could all retain such mighty cheeks when we reach our retirement years.


Sam Fisher

Snake isn't the only stealthy hero who is frankly getting far too old to play hide n' seek with an AK-47. Sam Fisher from MGS rival Splinter Cell has become quite a crotchety old git in his own right. The hair's gone grey, the belly's gotten paunchy, and all he does now is get all sentimental about his family.

Nevertheless, Fisher can still bring the heat when the situation calls for it, showing those no good youn'uns how it's done. Old age has apparently given him the ability to turn completely invisible in any room that's slightly darker than sunlight. And unlike most people who should be drawing a pension, he still has a grasp on modern technology. Realistically, Fisher shouldn't be able to use an optical camera. He should be hitting it with a shaking hand, asking if "You can get those there Intranets in this thing."


Cid Highwind

The Final Fantasy series has no shortage of grizzled old warhorses named Cid, but for our money it has to be the cigarette-smoking, woman-berating, swear-exclaiming Cid Highwind of Final Fantasy VII who takes the prize. His appearance in VII remains one of the most memorable Cids of the entire series, not least for that fact that he's one of the few playable ones, and he lights sticks of dynamite with his cigs. If that's not worth a trophy, I don't know what is.

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53 comments

  • Montag - September 6, 2010 11:12 p.m.

    I thought the first craze had gone the way of all sad things but no. There are still people who define their lives by the ability to type a 5 letter word with some punctuation repeated. Very sad, why not get a girlfriend instead On a serious note, how could you forget Eli Vance? Only has 1 leg as well
  • KielbasaNinja - September 6, 2010 11:14 p.m.

    I'm actually glad you left off the likes of Cranky Kong. There's no place for him amongst the hardened vets that are Bill and Solid Snake. Cranky Kong's only amusing because he's useless and annoying. Great supporting cast member, but no more. This article is dead accurate the way it is.
  • slimjim441 - September 6, 2010 11:25 p.m.

    Dr. Wily
  • RampageUndeaD - September 6, 2010 11:28 p.m.

    i didnt ppl considered sam fisher old
  • RonnyLive19881 - September 6, 2010 11:32 p.m.

    What about the old man that hung out in Lake Hylia's Laboratory? He had a pet Shark!... although it may have died because he forgot to feed it. I hope there is a shark/pet mini game in the OOT remake for the 3DS!
  • screamfourme - September 6, 2010 11:38 p.m.

    i think Uncle deserves a spot just because of his mustard-stained beard, that was pretty badass
  • Calculatrice - September 6, 2010 11:38 p.m.

    I'm deeply disappointing that Jolee Bindo is not on this list.
  • SwampRock - September 6, 2010 11:40 p.m.

    Gepetto what a good rolemodel! I wanna be just like him.
  • RonnyLive19881 - September 6, 2010 11:40 p.m.

    @screamfourme, that wasn't mustard... that was tobacco!
  • skynetiscoming - September 6, 2010 11:45 p.m.

    I love the little touches added to MGS4 because of Snake's age. Having to stand up or lay down due to his back issues, staying out of the sun for fear of stroke and using a Playboy, cigarettes or drugs to keep in the fighting spirit makes MGS4 that much more intriguing.
  • Cyberninja - September 6, 2010 11:45 p.m.

    old people should be in more games
  • Jadernader - September 6, 2010 11:48 p.m.

    lol so u did remember The End...
  • Onepersonwithnoopinion - September 6, 2010 11:53 p.m.

    If only Bill's VA hadn't of gone to prison, then we would be seeing more of the old bastard.
  • RonnyLive19881 - September 7, 2010 12:01 a.m.

    @skynetiscoming saying it like that makes it sound flat out depressing... I'm glad I only played through it once Lol.
  • oufour - September 7, 2010 12:02 a.m.

    didn't this already happen? i could've sworn this was a top 7 before.
  • Fusionmix - September 7, 2010 12:14 a.m.

    GET OUR GUESTS SOME GODDAMN TEA! >:D
  • nemesisuprising - September 7, 2010 12:28 a.m.

    o cmon guys, no john marston? or maybe even edgar ross? john was old and anyone who paid enough attention to him knew it, and edgar ross was just an evil old bastard
  • BonafideMyth - September 7, 2010 12:35 a.m.

    19th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Is there and eyeroll emoticon?) Anyway where's The End from MGS 3, he's as ozay as it gets. There's no MGS boss battles as sudsy as Big Boss vs The End its a bonafide classic.
  • JoeMasturbaby - September 7, 2010 12:55 a.m.

    Tung Fu Rue from Fatal Fury is all i could think of when reading this article's title, but alas i am now disappoint.

Showing 1-20 of 53 comments

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