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Gaming's best crusty old men

Being old must have some fantastic perks. You can expose your genitalia in Wal-mart and get away with it, you can go to the toilet in your underwear and someone else will clean it up for you, and you suddenly see the appeal of all those daytime quiz shows. Yep, life close to death must be pretty sweet.

Old people also make for some great videogame characters, and to prove it, here's an article all about gaming's finest cantankerous elderly geezers. They may have more wrinkles than a baboon's ballbag, but they all kick ass in their special geriatric way.


Bill

Who doesn't love Left 4 Dead's zombie-shredding codger? Only petulant young punks who don't know they're born! As the elder statesman of the zombie apocalypse, Bill's combat experience and level headedness makes him one of the likeliest survivors of the Left 4 Dead series.

It's a shame that his experience didn't quite see him through to the end, but he'll still live forever in our memories.


Old Snake

Any list of old bastards is a failure if it doesn't include Solid Snake as he appears in Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. Prematurely aged due to being a clone of legendary soldier Big Boss, Snake decided that if he was going to get old, he was going to at least try and enjoy it.

Amping up his love of cigarettes, becoming a bitter goat of a shadow of his former glory, and growing the kind of mustache that only your grandpa can get away with, let it not be said that Snake doesn't make lemonade when life throws him lemons.

Old Snake is also noteworthy for having a fantastic arse for a man with the body of a seventy-year-old. Would that we could all retain such mighty cheeks when we reach our retirement years.


Sam Fisher

Snake isn't the only stealthy hero who is frankly getting far too old to play hide n' seek with an AK-47. Sam Fisher from MGS rival Splinter Cell has become quite a crotchety old git in his own right. The hair's gone grey, the belly's gotten paunchy, and all he does now is get all sentimental about his family.

Nevertheless, Fisher can still bring the heat when the situation calls for it, showing those no good youn'uns how it's done. Old age has apparently given him the ability to turn completely invisible in any room that's slightly darker than sunlight. And unlike most people who should be drawing a pension, he still has a grasp on modern technology. Realistically, Fisher shouldn't be able to use an optical camera. He should be hitting it with a shaking hand, asking if "You can get those there Intranets in this thing."


Cid Highwind

The Final Fantasy series has no shortage of grizzled old warhorses named Cid, but for our money it has to be the cigarette-smoking, woman-berating, swear-exclaiming Cid Highwind of Final Fantasy VII who takes the prize. His appearance in VII remains one of the most memorable Cids of the entire series, not least for that fact that he's one of the few playable ones, and he lights sticks of dynamite with his cigs. If that's not worth a trophy, I don't know what is.

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53 comments

  • shmikey - December 1, 2010 9:38 a.m.

    This brings to mind the possessed house from Ugly Americans. Now all I can think about is "USE THE GODDAMN COASTER!!!" That old crazy house, what will it kill with next?
  • barrage7667 - December 1, 2010 3:18 a.m.

    xcuse me?? WHAT ABOUT THE END!!! jeez hes the awesomest of the awesome
  • BurntToShreds - September 10, 2010 10:05 p.m.

    Bill is in Valhalla now...
  • skyline19 - September 9, 2010 1:04 p.m.

    Fisher isnt that old! hes still the greatest badass on the list though
  • MaynardJ - September 8, 2010 2 p.m.

    How about the guy that gives Link sword training in The Wind Waker? And his brother upstairs?
  • philipshaw - September 8, 2010 10:52 a.m.

    Great article but I would have had that gunslinger you meet in RDR when you first get into Mexico, his name escapes me though
  • b1utm3ister - September 8, 2010 1:30 a.m.

    ahhh loved this post! Well there's Borderland's TK (though he's not too old) but has a wooden leg and talks about taking some awful dumps so that's something.. Also Mr. Larry Laffer, he's old and crusty (everywhere) by now!
  • paganpoet - September 7, 2010 4:06 p.m.

    How could you not be obsessed with Snake's butt, though? It's practically in your face at all times in any MGS game.
  • grizzly311 - September 7, 2010 2:44 p.m.

    Glad to see Gepetto on the list. I forgot about that crazy bastard. Also reminds me that I never played the first Shadow Hearts.
  • mrplow8 - September 7, 2010 12:42 p.m.

    Where's Cranky Kong?
  • JD_Method - September 7, 2010 8:44 a.m.

    No Victor Sullivan from Uncharted? He's a dirty old man, and he shoots people too.
  • FETALJUICE - September 7, 2010 7:22 a.m.

    What about Shun-Di from the Virtua Fighter series? Old bastard with drunken master fighting style = pure WIN Colonel Hoffman from the Gears of War series? I love how he bitched at you for losing in the first Gears multiplayer and he still kicks Locust ass for being a Senior Officer.
  • Mamudo - September 7, 2010 5:53 a.m.

    Thumbs up for Gepetto!
  • The4X - September 7, 2010 5:32 a.m.

    Yeah, Zan's the best
  • ragingearth - September 7, 2010 4:34 a.m.

    Yeeeaahh, Heihachi should have DEFINITELY made the list. I'm the other bastard son of the Mishima Zaibastu...sue me..lol. But still, this list is great. Love the Harman add from Killer 7. Game still blows my mind.
  • RUSSO - September 7, 2010 4:29 a.m.

    Sam Fisher is like Jack Bauer. Remember when "24" begun and Kiefer Sutherland had so long hair, and now in the 8th season he's just older. That's the same future for Fisher. Also, you could bring "The Truth" from GTA San Andreas. Everyone likes a hippie with such lovely van "The Motherhood" VW van.
  • ChipTheExecutioner - September 7, 2010 4:03 a.m.

    Where the hell is Auron?????????????????
  • TheWebSwinger - September 7, 2010 3:28 a.m.

    Jim Sterling: ...kind of a perv actually. Hahah
  • Sebastian16 - September 7, 2010 3:11 a.m.

    Your obsession with Solid Snake's buttocks knows no bounds, Mr. Sterling. I had to scroll up and see if you were the author as soon as I read that bit!
  • clamburger - September 7, 2010 2:46 a.m.

    No uncle from red dead? Or captain price?........what the hell......

Showing 1-20 of 53 comments

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