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“AGENT, YOU’VE SHIT YOUR PANTS!” bellows the Director. “YOU’RE A TODDLER NOW, AGENT! I’VE MADE YOU A BABY CARRIAGE WITH WHEELS! DRINK THIS AND GO TO MARIO KART!”
Still stuck in a bubble from the last fight, Baby Mario is unmoved. His crying continues, reaching a fever pitch as it drowns the Director out completely. Without a Halo beta to sustain his existence, the Director simply fades away.
Winner: Baby Mario
Through Zombie Minnie’s eyes, Zombie Wizard Hitler, CEO of Disney, sees a googly-eyed character and decides to acquire him via underhanded means. Zombie Wizard Hitler forges a sketch and claims he invented Clippy during the ‘40s. After a lengthy legal battle, Disney buys Microsoft, and the apparent rights to Clippy.
However, due to the complicated nature of the agreements, Zombie Wizard Hitler can only create a character similar to Clippy for public use. Stay-Paul the Staple takes center stage, condemning Clippy to obscurity once again. Also Zombie Minnie eats Clippy and chokes to death. Later, Clippy is recovered from Minnie’s corpse, still alive, and slowly lowered into a vat of Dip, like in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Man, we are really busting out the current references on this one.
Winner: Stay-Paul the Staple
Still dripping with blood after the fight with Otis, Navi is an intimidating sight, and Kurt loses his nerve. “Welcome to the Tragic Kingdom, bitch,” grunts Navi as she unleashes a haymaker that ruptures Kurt’s solar plexus. As he staggers and vomits, Navi flies into his ear and – through fairy magic – begins to bore into his skull. As Kurt mindlessly shrieks the lyrics to “Hollaback Girl,” Navi devour his brain and, grabbing the frayed nerve endings in his brainstem, takes control of his body for her own nefarious purposes.
As the two racist caricatures face off, they immediately begin slinging insults as each tries to prove that he is the more offensive stereotype. Just then, Jesse Jackson shows up and says “absolutely not,” and Spike Lee makes a condemnatory film about the incident, with a thinly veiled parody character (the Dark Duke of Angry Planet) played by Delroy Lindo. Being a huge movie buff, Black Baron of course gets the joke, and enjoys laughing at himself throughout the clever satire.
Then Black Baron beats the shit out of Jar-Jar and shoves him face-first into a microwave. “AAAAA! NOOOOOO! MEESA EXPLODA!” screams Jar-Jar as he exploda.
Winner: Black Baron
Stay-Paul punctures Baby Mario’s bubble, causing Mario to finally stop crying and pay attention to the battle. With fire in his eyes, Mario draws upon the power of the gods and, with an animalistic roar, rips Stay-Paul’s googly eyes from their sockets. Dropping the pulpy orbs on the floor, Baby Mario then Skypes in to Stay-Paul’s relatives so they can watch him get brutally murdered by a red-hatted baby. As Stay-Paul pleads for his life, Mario laughs for the first time in the tournament, and promises to spare Stay-Paul if Stay Paul crawls over and eats out of Mario’s diaper. As Stay-Paul’s lips close around the first mouthful of baby shit, Baby Mario cackles and curb-jaws him while his parents wail. Not with grief, but with shame. Shame at Stay-Paul for dying in such a stupid way.
Winner: Baby Mario
Eager for an actual fight, the Black Baron hefts a spiked bat and, with surprisingly little resistance, drives it straight into Cobain’s midsection. While unable to feel pain, Cobain’s body has nonetheless been severely weakened by heartbreak and heroin and also the fairy living in its skull. It crumples, smashing its skull against a curb as it falls.
Free of her self-imposed prison, Navi emits a terrifying squeak of unbridled, high-pitched fury and slams full-force into the Baron’s kneecaps, which bend backward. Howling in pain, the Baron tries to crawl away, only to be stopped by a sudden impact against his back. Turning to look, he sees Navi holding the bat, the spikes of which have been buried in the flesh of his back. Cackling maniacally, Navi lifts the bat – with the Baron still attached – and swings the Baron into a spike trap, which slams down, crushing him as he comically swears up a storm.
The two combatants fix each other with steely eyes. Baby Mario’s lip twitches, curling into a sneer. Navi’s wings crackle with barely constrained homicidal rage. Mario wails mightily, beating his chest as his eyes blaze with fury. Navi bites her tongue and utters a piercing shriek in honor of her fallen warrior gods.
Then the two start rolling around on the floor and this happens:
Somehow, Waluigi wins.
Apr 28, 2011
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