Baby Mario vs John Madden
Among John Madden’s many talents is the ability to draw circles, which he uses to encase Baby Mario in a bubble and send him floating into the air, where he’s helpless. Being quite small, however, Mario floats into Madden’s bloodstream, and Madden dies of a stroke.
Winner: Baby Mario
The Agency Director vs Hope
Being a very depressive sadsack, Hope doesn’t really stand a chance against a master manipulator like the Director. “You seem troubled, Agent,” booms the Director’s voice. “Why don’t you tell me about it?” Reveling in the chance to finally tell someone about his problems, Hope opens up about his insecurities, his strange attitude toward Snow, his indecision and the recent burn caused by his many, many new STDs. This is more than enough for the Director to get inside Hope’s head, earn his trust and convince him that the best course of action – for everyone, really – would be for Hope to commit suicide with his stupid scissor-boomerang. After stammering “Uhh… Uhhhhh…” for a good 10 minutes, Hope finally puts the contraption to his neck and Clock Towers himself.
Winner: The Agency Director
Wendy Oldbag vs Clippy
Opting for a stealth approach, Clippy hides in Oldbag’s copy of Office and waits. When Oldbag starts to write a shameless mash letter to Miles Edgeworth, Clippy pops up and offers her help. Not being very good with computers, Oldbag accepts – and is then quickly trapped in an ever-more confusing feedback loop of pop-up windows and tutorials, as Clippy continually forces her to open new windows until she collapses of exhaustion. Her body is found weeks later, filled with feral cats.
Mango Sentinel vs Black Baron
Not willing to leave his home turf to fight a giant robot bare-handed, Black Baron issues a challenge to the Mango Sentinel to come on MadWorld. After entering the stylized black-and-white of his world, Mango Sentinel becomes Grayscale Sentinel and loses all his powers, which it turns out were tied to his color. Mango Sentinel immediately loses. Trapped in an unfamiliar black-and-white world, he eventually loses his virginity to Reese Witherspoon in a well-intentioned Pleasantville reference and retires gracefully.
Winner: Black Baron
Wizard Hitler vs Undead Minnie Mouse
If you know history, then you know that Hitler was a huge fan of Disney – so it naturally follows that Wizard Hitler does, too. The moment he sees Undead Minnie, Wizard Hitler mistakes her for regular Minnie, and approaches her shyly for an autograph. Minnie bites him and turns him into a zombie. Stripped of the limitations of mortality and time, Wizard Hitler nurtures his artistic talent and is eventually hired by Disney, surpassing John Lasseter to become head of animation. As Minnie’s de facto boss, he’s now too busy to fight in the character battle, so he forces her to continue to the next match so he can work on his Jonas Babies 4D project.
Winner: Wizard Hitler, although Undead Minnie advances to the next round
The Cast of Final Fantasy VIII vs Kurt Cobain Singing No Doubt Songs
After assembling No Doubt to record a cover of FFVIII’s “Eyes on Me” just so that he can cover it, Kurt causes the cast of Final Fantasy VIII to mope uncontrollably. They mope so hard that their moping bores a hole through the center of the earth, where they drown in each others’ collective tears. As they try to swim away to safety, the superfluous metal on their outfits weighs them down, anchoring to the bottom of their pool of tears. Given to depression anyway, Cobain wants to join them, but since his career now revolves around doing cheerful cover songs, that would put him in breach of contract somehow.
Winner: Kurt Cobain Singing No Doubt Songs
Superdeformed Jar-Jar Binks vs Naked Lynch
Infuriated with the presence of a Jamaican alien in his apartment complex, Lynch assembles a petition and goes around to his neighbors to collect signatures, at which point he bleeds out. As he takes his final breaths, Lynch stares blankly at the ceiling and mouths his last word: “Dickballs.” “YAAAAAY MEESA DA SUPA BOMBAD WINNAAAA YAAAAAYYYY,” screeches Jar-Jar, at which point we begin to consider suicide.
Winner: Superdeformed Jar-Jar Binks
Navi vs Otis Washington
The second Otis tries calling Navi, she grits her teeth, rockets into Otis’s walkie-talkie and tears it apart from the inside. Stripped of his only power, Otis is little more than a feeble old man against Navi’s psychotic might. Winding up a surprisingly vicious right cross for such a tiny being, Navi slams her miniscule fist into Otis’s jaw with such force that it sends the old maintenance worker flying.
Cracking her adorable knuckles and grinning evilly, Navi effortlessly picks Otis up by one ear. “HEY!” she shouts! “LISTEN! LISTEN!” Powerless to resist, Otis can only comply as she tells him to repeatedly hit A to stab himself in the chest. Her bloodlust only partially satisfied, she then hijacks Otis’s Z-targeting ability to make him focus on, and plunge headlong into, a pack of hungry zombies.
NEXT PAGE: The thrilling saga concludes in the final three rounds!