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GamesRadar's ultimate hated character battle

Wizard Hitler vs Purple Star

From: Wolfenstein 3D, Super Mario Galaxy 2

As a fake Hitler double pulled along on a track, Wizard Hitler (aka Hitler’s Ghost) just throws fireballs and fades away when shot. Purple Star, meanwhile, never goes away. When Purple Star tells Wizard Hitler to go outside and get some exercise, his insolence enrages Wizard Hitler. Clearly, a gelatinous butterball like Purple Star has no business telling anyone else to go out and exercise.  Wizard Hitler hits Purple Star with a fireball and Purple Star dies. But just so we’re clear, it’s not because Wizard Hitler is racist.

Winner: Wizard Hitler


Lurkers vs Minnie Mouse

From: Dead Space, Mickey Mousecapade

Being horrible undead abominations doesn’t change the fact that the Lurkers are still babies, and on seeing Minnie, they sense that she recently gave birth (sure, why not?) and they all attempt to nurse from her. Unable to do anything other than follow Mickey around and mimic his actions, the defenseless Minnie is killed, which makes her stop producing milk and causes the lurkers to die. Bitten by undead creatures, Minnie Mouse then rises at the next full moon to inflict suffering upon the living, just like she did when she was alive.

Winner: Minnie Mouse


Gex vs the Cast of Final Fantasy VIII

From: Gex, Final Fantasy VIII

Gex has to go into outer space to save his home planet. (P.S.: He died on the way to his home planet.)

Winner: The cast of Final Fantasy VIII


Kurt Cobain Singing No Doubt Songs vs Raiden

From: Guitar Hero 5, Metal Gear Solid 2

Raiden does naked cartwheels, but to no avail – Kurt whips him through the spiderwebs and takes him back to a simple kind of life.  Kurt then sneers at Raiden, calling him “just a girl,” and continues the punishment by spelling “B-A-N-A-N-A-S” and putting Raiden six feet under, where he’s trapped in a box. Rose kinda always knew she’d end up Raiden’s ex-girlfriend.

Winner: Kurt Cobain Singing No Doubt Songs


Superdeformed Jar-Jar Binks vs Bubsy

From: Star Wars Super Bombad Racing, Bubsy

Jar-Jar has a hovering speeder, and is unimpressed by Bubsy’s massive collection of yarn. Just then, a large rock with “OBSCURITY” written on it falls from the sky and crushes Bubsy. Jar-Jar celebrates by jumping up and down and screaming “YAAAAAYYY! MEESA DA WINNAAAAA!” This causes us to profoundly regret our impulsive decision.

Winner: Superdeformed Jar-Jar Binks


Naked Lynch vs Dog

From: Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days, Duck Hunt

Lynch begins the match by running around between cover points and cursing under his breath. “Fuck, shit,” he says. And then, a little more quietly: “Poop. Fart.” While this is going on, the dog does nothing but hide in the bushes and laugh at Lynch’s nudity. Lynch directs his swears at the dog now. “Peepee!” he cries. “Butt! Vagina!” But the dog continues to laugh. After hours spent unsuccessfully trying to shoot the dog, Lynch buys a vintage Duck Hunt arcade game on eBay and spends every bonus round blasting his face off.

Winner: Naked Lynch


Otis Washington vs The Werehog

From: Dead Rising, Sonic Unleashed

As the fight begins, Otis immediately uses his most effective weapon: he calls the Werehog while the Werehog is busy and is quite annoying. While Otis is wasting his time, however, the Werehog suddenly realizes his name actually means “manhog” and therefore doesn’t make sense. In an effort to make the etymology of his name less senseless, he transforms into a human, and can finally go have sex with that one princess in a less-creepy way. However, his molecular structure is extremely unstable, and when Otis interrupts him with a phone call mid-coitus, the Werehog explodes.

Winner: Otis Washington


Navi vs Custer

From: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Custer’s Revenge

Oh, this can only end one way.


 

Winner: Navi

NEXT PAGE: Round 2! FIGHT!

Topics

Week of Hate

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98 comments

  • DrDevious - August 25, 2011 11:42 p.m.

    This is still one of the greatest things I have ever read
  • runstooslow - May 15, 2011 1:52 a.m.

    This was too damn funny
  • wulibo - May 12, 2011 6:25 a.m.

    best article ever written by anyone for anything hands-down. Especially when Waluigi somehow wins.
  • BilboTeaBaggins - May 10, 2011 5:21 a.m.

    Lord on high that was a fantastic read, most of all after listening to the audio version of it.
  • VermithraxDagon - May 7, 2011 10:28 p.m.

    I friggin laughed so hard at this line and had to share it with all my buds: "Locked out of his bus, Madden then tries to bend Clippy into a lockpick, but accidentally bends him into a swastika instead." Instant Classic.
  • bloodyshadow - May 5, 2011 1:03 a.m.

    It should be noted that I read, aloud, the ENTIRE 1st character battle to someone over Skype. This will be another thing for them to sit through. I do wish there was another "I hope this is not an unlocking sandwich" type quote, but I've got plenty to work with here. Thanks you guys.
  • Dutch - May 5, 2011 12:11 a.m.

    The zombie wizard Hitler charcter thread was sooo funy. I wanted fucking Stay-Paul to win.
  • R-ape - May 4, 2011 2:21 a.m.

    To defeat Navi, all you need to do is to not believe in her. Or to just turn the game off and go outside.
  • Triscuitable - May 4, 2011 2:10 a.m.

    GR, there is a flaw in this. The Black Baron... He's white. From the Madworld Wiki: "Despite looking black, Howard states that the Black Baron is in fact not actually black, of which Kreese gets in an arguement with Howard over if that would be important or not, in which it is implied that Kreese is black." Sorry if it ruined your fun.
  • HardMetalManiac - May 3, 2011 9:22 p.m.

    WOW. BEST...GAMESRADAR...ARTICLE...EVER!!!!!
  • TheElephantManchurianCandidate - May 3, 2011 12:59 p.m.

    Aww I thought Madden could go all the way :(
  • Zanthis - May 3, 2011 2:11 a.m.

    A fittingly hilarious and perfect ending
  • DiJunoMan - May 3, 2011 1:11 a.m.

    Fuck yes! infinite internets for you Gamesradar!
  • JohnnyApplesperm - May 3, 2011 12:24 a.m.

    I love you.
  • philipshaw - May 2, 2011 1:50 p.m.

    This was amazing and great Gabriel Night reference
  • taterboob - May 2, 2011 11:40 a.m.

    @BigKingBud You are the king of trolls. I saw you calling Portal 2 overrated in another comments section, and now I find you here declaring Mass Effect 2 the most overrated game of 2010? Either you're trolling hard, or you just discovered the word 'overrated' and you're using it like a kid who just got a new toy.
  • VMPSaberwolf - May 2, 2011 10:12 a.m.

    Thanks for puting this together, well done!
  • ZenRobot - May 2, 2011 6:19 a.m.

    EPIC simpson's reference with Gex! wow. this whole article is the exact reason Gamesradar is my favorite gaming site. you rule.
  • Cheech360 - May 2, 2011 3:17 a.m.

    hahahaha this was awesome
  • FanofSaiyan - May 2, 2011 2:14 a.m.

    Navi Cobain will be giving me nitemares for about a week. Nice deus ex ending, but is Waluigi really deserving of the title Greatest Worst Character ever?

Showing 1-20 of 98 comments

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