Wizard Hitler vs Purple Star
From: Wolfenstein 3D, Super Mario Galaxy 2
As a fake Hitler double pulled along on a track, Wizard Hitler (aka Hitler’s Ghost) just throws fireballs and fades away when shot. Purple Star, meanwhile, never goes away. When Purple Star tells Wizard Hitler to go outside and get some exercise, his insolence enrages Wizard Hitler. Clearly, a gelatinous butterball like Purple Star has no business telling anyone else to go out and exercise. Wizard Hitler hits Purple Star with a fireball and Purple Star dies. But just so we’re clear, it’s not because Wizard Hitler is racist.
Winner: Wizard Hitler
Lurkers vs Minnie Mouse
From: Dead Space, Mickey Mousecapade
Being horrible undead abominations doesn’t change the fact that the Lurkers are still babies, and on seeing Minnie, they sense that she recently gave birth (sure, why not?) and they all attempt to nurse from her. Unable to do anything other than follow Mickey around and mimic his actions, the defenseless Minnie is killed, which makes her stop producing milk and causes the lurkers to die. Bitten by undead creatures, Minnie Mouse then rises at the next full moon to inflict suffering upon the living, just like she did when she was alive.
Winner: Minnie Mouse
Gex vs the Cast of Final Fantasy VIII
From: Gex, Final Fantasy VIII
Gex has to go into outer space to save his home planet. (P.S.: He died on the way to his home planet.)
Winner: The cast of Final Fantasy VIII
Kurt Cobain Singing No Doubt Songs vs Raiden
From: Guitar Hero 5, Metal Gear Solid 2
Raiden does naked cartwheels, but to no avail – Kurt whips him through the spiderwebs and takes him back to a simple kind of life. Kurt then sneers at Raiden, calling him “just a girl,” and continues the punishment by spelling “B-A-N-A-N-A-S” and putting Raiden six feet under, where he’s trapped in a box. Rose kinda always knew she’d end up Raiden’s ex-girlfriend.
Winner: Kurt Cobain Singing No Doubt Songs
Superdeformed Jar-Jar Binks vs Bubsy
From: Star Wars Super Bombad Racing, Bubsy
Jar-Jar has a hovering speeder, and is unimpressed by Bubsy’s massive collection of yarn. Just then, a large rock with “OBSCURITY” written on it falls from the sky and crushes Bubsy. Jar-Jar celebrates by jumping up and down and screaming “YAAAAAYYY! MEESA DA WINNAAAAA!” This causes us to profoundly regret our impulsive decision.
Winner: Superdeformed Jar-Jar Binks
Naked Lynch vs Dog
From: Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days, Duck Hunt
Lynch begins the match by running around between cover points and cursing under his breath. “Fuck, shit,” he says. And then, a little more quietly: “Poop. Fart.” While this is going on, the dog does nothing but hide in the bushes and laugh at Lynch’s nudity. Lynch directs his swears at the dog now. “Peepee!” he cries. “Butt! Vagina!” But the dog continues to laugh. After hours spent unsuccessfully trying to shoot the dog, Lynch buys a vintage Duck Hunt arcade game on eBay and spends every bonus round blasting his face off.
Winner: Naked Lynch
Otis Washington vs The Werehog
From: Dead Rising, Sonic Unleashed
As the fight begins, Otis immediately uses his most effective weapon: he calls the Werehog while the Werehog is busy and is quite annoying. While Otis is wasting his time, however, the Werehog suddenly realizes his name actually means “manhog” and therefore doesn’t make sense. In an effort to make the etymology of his name less senseless, he transforms into a human, and can finally go have sex with that one princess in a less-creepy way. However, his molecular structure is extremely unstable, and when Otis interrupts him with a phone call mid-coitus, the Werehog explodes.
Winner: Otis Washington
Navi vs Custer
From: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Custer’s Revenge
Oh, this can only end one way.
NEXT PAGE: Round 2! FIGHT!