Winner: Bomberman Act: Zero
Konami | Xbox 360
Real quick, here's a step-by-step instruction manual on how to make a Bomberman game good:
Make it a Bomberman game.
Seriously, people, it's not that hard. All you need is an overhead grid, some bombs, and a group of trash-talking friends to punt and toss those bombs around at each other. So what does Act: Zero do? Like some punk ass rebel snickering at the back of the class, it does the exact opposite of everything it's told.
The overhead grid is so full of hardcore explosions and extreme neon icons that it's hard to distinguish your player from anyone else. The only other option is a blasphemous "First Person Bomber" view that can't even manage to be first person - it's third person. Also, you can't kick and throw the bombs anymore - you can only drop them. Factor in the butch, asstacularly generic sci-fi visual makeover and you're left laughing at the stupidity.
Finally, the definitive deal breaker - you can't play Act: Zero with your friends in the same room and on the same screen. What? Sorry, but that's what Bomberman is all about, and competing long distance over Xbox Live is a poor substitute.
Collateral Damage: Dance Factory
Codemasters | PlayStation 2
Dance Dance Revolution has one big problem - 97% of all humans on Earth think the music sucks. Solution? Use your own. Problem is, Dance Factory can't read the beats, and generates random sets of lame steps. That's what we call totally useless. The factory is just turning out crap.