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GamesRadar Ultimate Character Battle! - Day 1

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FROM: Shaq-Fu/Sly Cooper series

We thought about this for a while, and decided that writing Sly Cooper into future battles will be a hell of a lot easier than Shaq, as we can only make so many “Shaq Attack” jokes. Besides, it's not like anyone actually played Shaq-Fu. Sly wins.


FROM: Last Alert/Super Mario series

Growling a string of unspeakable blasphemies, Mario lurches forward drunkenly and grabs Chairman Steve by the crotch, crushing the man’s testicles in his iron, white-gloved grip. Cursing the whore who brought Steve into existence, Mario plunges the index and middle fingers of his free hand into Steve’s nostrils and, yanking upward, rips the fleshy knob of a nose away from Steve's face. As Steve screams, choking on his own blood and tears, Mario lifts Steve above his head and, with an inhuman roar, rips the man in half.
Chairman Steve dies. Who’s Chairman Steve?


FROM: Mr. Driller/Metroid series



 FROM: Zork series/Final Fantasy X

Tidus is an effeminate, buckle-clad crybaby shitface. Grues can only exist in the dark. After waiting around for hours for his opponent to show, Tidus decides he's been stood up and runs into a pitch-dark closet where nobody can see him cry. Without a torch or flashlight to protect him, he is immediately eaten by a Grue.



FROM: Spider-Man 3/Halo series

After the two heroes reach a stalemate, Peter Parker starts lecturing Master Chief about “the hero in all of us” in a droning, deadpan monotone. Just then, Peter’s face gets sick of listening to Tobey Maguire's phoned-in voice and folds in on itself like a fu**ing old star.  SHMEEERRRRRRRRRRP. Master Chief wins.


FROM: Castlevania: Symphony of Night/Zero Wing

ALL OF ALUCARD’S BASE ARE BELONG TO CATS. ALUCARD IS ON THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION. HE HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE HIS TIME. CATS IS WINNING. OH MY. “ZIGS!”


FROM: Street Fighter series/Monkey Island series

As Ryu advances on Guybrush, the wannabe pirate begins clicking everywhere desperately. Miraculously, he clicks the pickle on the waterwheel, which summons the pirate ghost to activate the beartrap, which irritates the penguin, which then goes back in time to murder Ryu’s mother before he was ever born. Guybrush wins.

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19 comments

  • Security77 - May 1, 2011 3:13 p.m.

    *Spoiler Alert* Hah, now we know that nothing can stop the companion cube! Not even fire!
  • Miles_Endsly - April 11, 2011 9:18 p.m.

    This single article has shown me the light... Mario truly is wonderful...
  • REDman171 - November 28, 2010 5:54 p.m.

    cool
  • Bonesqaw - November 17, 2010 6:13 p.m.

    Greatest character battle of all time!
  • Hellwilder - September 26, 2009 1:33 p.m.

    There goes Cloud's Fall Out Boy CD collection xD
  • Corsair89 - October 8, 2008 8:22 p.m.

    Why is Mario really really evil in this?
  • Da-Ku - September 5, 2008 2:33 p.m.

    He has a point
  • Black_X_1111 - September 1, 2008 1:37 a.m.

    That wasnt a fair fight. The internet shouldn,t have been aloud to fight!! I want a rematch!!!!
  • Narudude360 - June 25, 2009 11:32 p.m.

    TEEEEEEEEEEEEEETEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka WakkaWakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka WaWakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka.
  • Elfangor01 - May 31, 2009 3:06 a.m.

    This is probably among the funniest things I have ever read, this made my summer last year thank you Gamesradar, and revisiting it brings back so much nostalgia.
  • diddly - April 28, 2009 8:47 p.m.

    this is an amazing article!! Bets fight = "The dog laughs. Gordon bashes his head in with a crowbar. Everyone laughs." oh, ya. That and tony hawk does a wicked kickflip.... this game sucks. Never laughed so hard, thanks alot for this.
  • Yar - September 17, 2009 4:18 p.m.

    This was a pretty good article, but you went from comedic to serious and back too many times. I mean, Sub Zero beats Starfox, Gordon Freeman, Mario, and then Sly Cooper, and then you just show a scene from the MK movie and say he's out. The internet should've never beaten anyone either. Link would pwn the internet. :P
  • Kruton - June 1, 2009 4:09 p.m.

    Holy shit, where did you get that evil pacman picture? I want it.
  • Hurricrane - May 30, 2009 11:56 p.m.

    LOL Roman calls Snake, brilliant
  • fatcat275 - May 19, 2009 5:35 a.m.

    The Mario and Niko ones made me laugh until I cried gravy. strange.
  • magicxmaster - April 27, 2009 10:22 p.m.

    mario cant be evil
  • skyguy343 - April 27, 2009 8:15 p.m.

    @ Corsair89 cuz mario is a total badass ;) easily one of their best articles, but hulk vs interwebs?
  • theschwartzb - April 7, 2009 11:02 p.m.

    rofl "The dog laughs. Gordon bashes his head in with a crowbar." that is some funny shit right thar.
  • C-C-C-C-ComboCro - January 21, 2009 5:32 a.m.

    PAINTY WOLF WINS!!!!

Showing 1-19 of 19 comments

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