It's an argument that's dominated schoolyards for millennia: If you were to somehow pit Fictional Character X against Fictional Character Y, who would win? And nowhere is that argument fought more frequently, or with more passion, than on the internet. In the interest of finally jumping on that old bandwagon, we've put together our own massive tournament to determine - once and for all - the greatest videogame character of all time.
Our scientific methods were to have our entire staff call out names as we wrote them on a giant whiteboard, after which we wrote all the names down on little scraps of paper and stuck them in a hat. Then, a shadowy cabal of elite GamesRadar editors met in absolute secrecy to draw out the names and have a free-form discussion to determine the likeliest (or, failing that, the most amusing) outcome for each scenario. From now through Thursday, we'll be chronicling the results, beginning with 64 characters today and continuing until there's just one left. Let's begin!
Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4
FROM: The Legend of Zelda series/Final Fantasy VII
Cloud’s too busy being an emo bitch to notice the fight's even started. Instead, he sits around cutting himself and absentmindedly breaking pieces off of his brittle hair. Link lunges out from behind Cloud's couch and snaps Cloud’s Fall Out Boy CD collection. Cloud cries. Link wins.
FROM: Tomb Raider series/Disney Skateboard Adventure
Lara Croft is the beloved, battle-hardened veteran of eight games, widely known for cheating death, carrying powerful firearms and killing dangerous wildlife. Simba, however, can move diagonally. Simba wins.
FROM: Karaoke Revolution Presents: American Idol/Super Mario series
Luigi's only real abilities are to twiddle his feet and carry a ghost vacuum that he didn't even invent, and Simon capitalizes on this as he berates Luigi with withering criticism. Luigi storms out of the room in tears and yells to the cameras that "y'all be sorry when Luigi come back a supastar and y'all be nobody! Y'all gonna see! Y'ALL GONNA SEE!" Simon wins.
FROM: Resident Evil 2 and 4/Sam & Max series
Ada Wong enters with a back flip in slow-mo John Woo style, and an intense firefight erupts as Sam and Max draw their oversized pistols and begin shooting in random directions. Eventually, the pair decides that bullets won't work, and start clicking on everything and attempting to combine objects in their pockets with things. Ada takes advantage of their confusion and shoots them, and they die. Again. Ada wins.
FROM: Def Jam Vendetta/Gears of War
Ghostface Killah would, uh, try to rap at Marcus? And Marcus probably goes and chainsaws him in half or whatever. We don’t give a shit. Marcus wins.
FROM: Final Fantasy VII/Mega Man series
Sephiroth descends from the sky accompanied deafening opera music, looking all grandiose and moody. Mega Man fires one of Tengu Man's propellers, and it catches on Sephiroth's hair, tangling it hopelessly. Mega Man then switches over to Cut Man's flying scissor things and flings one of them at Sephiroth, chopping his hair off and detaching him from the propeller. With his hair cut short, everyone can see Sephiroth's "Asian character" back tattoo, which he got because he thought it meant "Majestic Wolf Spirit," only to later learn that it actually reads "Penis Diarrhea Sexual Predator" in Chinese. Sephiroth dies of shame.
FROM: WWE SmackDown! vs RAW/Space Channel 5
Even though Cena should be able to win, having infinitely more upper-body strength and hand-to-hand grappling experience than Ulala, the WWE's pre-fight choreographers decide the fans will like it better if Ulala wins. Ulala wins. Then she celebrates with a dance. In space.
FROM: Dead Rising/Max Payne
Kent the Giggling Photographer Prick takes a bunch of pictures as Max Payne flies toward him in slow motion, guns drawn. Before Max can fire, however, Kent shows him the pictures, which were developed and printed while Max was still in bullet time. "Dear god, I look like the blood-caked streets of a junk widow's shattered dreams," Max hisses, so shocked by his own constipated expression that he reflexively pops a bottle of painkillers. Unfortunately for Max, his rampant abuse of over-the-counter drugs has finally hit its breaking point, and he slips into a coma before suffering a fatal heart attack. Kent wins.
FROM: Portal/Ratchet & Clank series
When Ratchet sees a crate, he feels compelled to smash it open with his wrench, and the Companion Cube is no exception. Unbeknownst to Ratchet, however, the Companion Cube has shown no weakness to any destructive force except fire. Instead of shattering, it goes flying, ricochets off a nearby wall and smacks Ratchet full force in the face. The Companion Cube wins with the power of love.