GameCube Features

At the end of every year we get a new year – one that is numerically superior to its predecessor and brimming with new stuff to buy. But how do you know what to buy if all the shiny “best of” awards are given at the end of the year? You could spend your precious 365.24 days reading game reviews, but what are they compared to shiny metallic awards?

Pac-Man and Mario owned the 1980s. Sonic, Lara and Snake took over for the 1990s. Their games are considered classics. Their names are timeless and iconic. Their images are burned into the memory of every gamer, even those who were born after the characters themselves.

Now we have another ten years worth of heroes, villains, sidekicks and love interests to occupy our imagination. Which, however, will remain there?

Normally, we’ve got no problem with video game villians. Sure, they nick our bustiest wenches, salute digital democracy with a middle finger, and are inconsiderate enough to make us waste valuable bullets shooting them during a recession. Thing is, they’re always upfront about being assholes, which makes the shit they pull almost endearingly evil. What really gets on our teets, though, are those deceitful dastards who pretend to

Pac-Man and Mario owned the 1980s. Sonic, Lara and Snake took over for the 1990s. Their games are considered classics. Their names are timeless and iconic. Their images are burned into the memory of every gamer, even those who were born after the characters themselves.

Now we have another ten years worth of heroes, villains, sidekicks and love interests to occupy our imagination. Which, however, will remain there?

Abnormally sized limbs that are sort of funny to look at: a premise that only minutes of arduous brainstorming could have birthed. Can we actually fashion a coherent article with a subject weaker than the plot of a Family Matters episode? Carl Winslow would believe in us, and it isn’t as if it hasn’t worked for us in the past. Enjoy, and be sure to come back next week for “100 slices of bacon that look like Mario.”

Some characters are just doomed to die in games. It seems the Nazis were born to wear sharp uniforms and chow down on your bullets like a tasty bratwurst. Cops are always destined to get blown up by your rocket launcher a day before retirement. And the sole purpose of videogame zombies is to have Piñata-style heads that explode with the slightest contact – just replace the tasty treats with festering bits of frontal

“Guns don’t kill people, bullets do.” But do they have to? Not at all, and in fact, this is all the destructive power you’re going to get out of shooting bullets.