Game characters that time forgot

The contenders of yesteryear remembered

Memory Dump: Voluntary decapitation head juggling multiple head swapping opportunity goldmine for giving head jokes inspired stage theatre puppet show backdrops film-referencing level names awesome wind-up robots stage-light health indicators huge pink clockwork dog digitised Tchaikovsky not too keen on the platform bits but worth giving head for the boss fights alone.

Best (and only) Game: Dynamite Headdy (Genesis/Mega Drive, 1994)

Current Status: Giving head on Virtual Console.

Memory dump: Historically inaccurate more caveman than ninja baby dinosaur killing charge attack spinning arm piranha plant plagiarising stone wheel chucking hairy bearded Neanderthals two-player friendly-fire enabled bodacious humour peace-sign throwing savages cave babe rescuing cave dudes.

Best Game: Joe & Mac: Caveman Ninja (Genesis/Mega Drive, 1991)

Current Status: Very extinct.

Memory Dump: Self-proclaimed a-maze-ing veggie friendly monochrome block moving puzzle solver labyrinth navigator painfully hip corporate bankrupt of character ideas designed food thing in sneakers buddy of Sass the Squash lover of Tammy Tomato surprisingly good despite all the aforementioned.

Best Game: Kwirk (Game Boy, 1989)

Current Status: Ketchup.


Memory dump: Cartoon disturbing limb-launching buzz-saw morphing flea fighting sinister boss music FTW never could finish the game spin jumping angry eyebrows hooded harmonica playing flag waving amputee offending hopping on one leg hilarity Rayman never left his appendages hanging on a coat hanger 16-bit weirdness.

Best (and only) Game: Plok (SNES, 1993)

Current Status: Legless. Armless. Faceless. Gone.

Memory dump: Planet saving serial orb killing height bonus seeking creepy digitised speech spinning to bonus area drawing-board cast-off revisited pretty much looks just like Sonic wearing a star mask anyway elastically armed acrobatic classic happy-happy Sega fizzy pop colour binge gaming.

Best Game: Ristar (Genesis/Mega Drive, 1995)

Current Status: Burning dimly on VC and old-school Sega compilations.


Memory dump: Rudely satisfying futuristic shoot robots dead putting the power into power-ups screen-shaking stroboscopic explosions inexplicable disco level lame mode jet booted multi-morphing turning into train car fish incredible wet my pants animation badass envelope pushing leap forward benchmark in seasick green orbular droid gaming history.

Best game: Vectorman 2 (Genesis/Mega Drive, 1996)

Current Status: Passing the days on UK VC now. Passing the days on US VC soon.

Memory Dump: Semi-naked dragon monster snail slayer arcade coin-gobbler skateboarding stone hammer throwing sword slashing fruit gobbling egg cracking hyper-coloured sprite paradise smoking pigs green-haired girlfriend tricky jumping actually called Tom-Tom Sega mascot.

Best Game: Wonder Boy III: The Dragon's Trap (Sega Master System, 1989)

Current Status: Another refugee of the past that has found shelter on Virtual Console and Sega compilations.

Sept 11, 2008



You loved the original - do you even remember the follow-up?



They're oh so badass in the cutscenes, but once you're in control? Useless!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I don't have the energy to really hate anything properly. Most things I think are OK or inoffensively average. I do love quite a lot of stuff as well, though.

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