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Game characters that deserved to die


The deceased: Sergeant Johnson - Halo 3


How they bit it

After making gruff quips along the lines of ‘yo momma’ that any 80s buddy character would be proud of, the brave Sarge meets his match in a tiny, comedy robot, who promptly shoots him right in his stogie-chewing face.

Why they deserved to die

Because he gets bested by something that looks like a rejected prop from Batteries Not Included. 343 Guilty Spark is the campest and most wimpy artificial life-form you’ll find this side of C-3PO. Years of military training left Johnson hardened to the rigors of brutal warfare, times of planetary hardship and general strife. But they couldn’t prepare him for the horrifying might of a glorified flying toaster.

How they could have saved their skin


The deceased: The Colossi (Especially the big ones) - Shadow of the Colossus

How they bit it

Stabbed in their special places by something a hundredth of their size until tragic, slow-motion death gives them a long, sloppy kiss.

Why they deserved to die

Because they’re literally massive, if disarming, wimps. Let’s be honest. Anything that’s the size of a skyscraper, made out of stone and weighs more than Marlon Brando (well, before he bit it) and Queen Latifah combined should be pretty much indestructible. And the last time we checked, the definition of indestructible wasn’t falling over in a titanic heap as soon as you feel a little prick from a tiny dude in a dress.

How they could have saved their skin


The deceased: Count Batula - Conker’s Bad Fur Day


How they bit it

After turning Conker into a vampire bat, the Count forces the soused-up squirrel to capture villagers for his giant mincer, so he can enjoy a little late night bloody night cap. Sadly, he becomes so rotund the rope he’s hanging from snaps and the bloated blood sucker falls into his own murderous fast food contraption.

Why they deserved to die

Because he’s a greedy Transylvania tubster who deserves everything his horrible gluttony brings him. Namely, a tortuously painful death. If he could have just resisted being such a fat bastard he could have continued chowing down on tasty terrified villagers for decades to come. But he just had to go super sized. There’s a lesson for you, kids. Eat too much and grim, painful death awaits. Don’t say games aren’t educational.

How they could have saved their skin

56 comments

  • AngryScotsman - October 23, 2009 2:34 p.m.

    Ben Carmine didn't run into the Berserker, that was someone else, Ben was eaten by the riftworm, then by the things in the riftworm.
  • jackburnt - October 23, 2009 2:36 p.m.

    I didn't read the article, but I have a suggestion on how you do your spoilers. Instead of listing the character then the game. Why not put the game at the top? That way if someone hasn't played it yet, they know to skip it. But if someone just reads the name, then later when they play the game, they know he/she dies.
  • axis56 - October 23, 2009 2:50 p.m.

    jackburnt has a point, ive only just started playing half-life 2. i know thats a crime in itself and i probably deserved it but still wouldve saved a plot point. Its nowhere near as bad as when someone told me th ending to the very first saw movie.
  • allthegoodnameswheretaken - October 23, 2009 2:51 p.m.

    Gears of no war Man!
  • Conman93 - October 23, 2009 3:13 p.m.

    Lol forest is a wimp :) Hated killing the colossi. They were so majestic
  • Samael - October 23, 2009 3:30 p.m.

    Yeah, like Scotsman said, Ben Carmine didn't die from a berserker. In fact there were no berserkers in Gears of War 2. So...yeah...
  • nadrewod999 - October 23, 2009 6 p.m.

    The guy who died because of the Berserker in Gears 1 (that is the game they are referencing, people!) was a random COG (the name of the military in the Gears series) who was just too cowardly to stay with a squad of heavily-armed allies, instead running and screaming towards a creature who could only feel the vibrations in the floor as you move and hear you cries for help as it tears you apart, so he was doomed as soon as he got scared.
  • GameManiac - October 23, 2009 6:18 p.m.

    By far, the article with the BEST-fitting pictures. Batteries Not Included is awesome!
  • dannage805 - October 23, 2009 6:46 p.m.

    yea da COG dat got milled by a Berserker was just sum random dude, however he did have the same voice as Carmine, as does nearly ever COG that wears a helmet
  • Ded - October 23, 2009 6:53 p.m.

    Yeah even I'm not a massive GoW fan and I know B. Carmine was killed in GoW2 inside the worm.. True they are marked for death wherever they go, watch C. Carmine get killed in GoW3..
  • jackthemenace - October 23, 2009 7:07 p.m.

    i know everyone else has said it, but ben carmine got killed by the nemecytes inside the riftworm arse... and i do agree with post #2, it would be easier
  • mrandydixon - October 23, 2009 7:29 p.m.

    @jackburnt Great point, I hope they take your advice. Luckily for me, I've already played all the games on this list that I'm interested in... SPOILER I wonder how they'll kill off C and D Carmine?
  • Cyberninja - October 23, 2009 7:57 p.m.

    if your peaceful than you dont desevre to die in the colosis case
  • Blade9450 - October 23, 2009 8:32 p.m.

    Of course you do! If you were a giant lumbering stupid thing who wouldn't want to kill you? Even if it was just to brag to your friends later. That would make up for all the dress-wearing in the world!
  • Yar - October 23, 2009 11:08 p.m.

    Why Kratos on this list? Throughout both of the God of War games, you just get the general impression that he's not only a twat, but also a complete moron, and I say this in full awareness that he could pull of my noggin without breaking a sweat. Then again, I could always distract him with a maths problem and then watch as his head implodes...
  • Yar - October 23, 2009 11:11 p.m.

    Why isn't Kratos on this list? Throughout both God of War games, you can't help but get the feeling that he's not only a complete idiot who brings every trouble upon himself, but also meatheaded twat, and I say this being fully aware that he could rip my noggin off without breaking a sweat. Still, I could always show him a simple maths problem, and watch as his head implodes...
  • Yar - October 23, 2009 11:17 p.m.

    Dangit, double post... this website is lagging like hell for me today... I'll stop now.
  • FETALJUICE - October 23, 2009 11:27 p.m.

    Comparing Sargeant Johnson's death by glorified flying toaster to Forrest' death by zombie crows, its pretty hard to say who had the most humiliating death but I choose Sargeant Johnson's death by glorified flying toaster. It was hilarious the first time I saw it.
  • H311DUCk - October 23, 2009 11:35 p.m.

    R.I.P- Eli Vance
  • Visual217 - October 23, 2009 11:36 p.m.

    Lolz, cool article guys! It always seems that carmine is one to get mauled, sniped, beaten, shot, or any other painful deaths.

Showing 1-20 of 56 comments

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