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Game characters that deserved to die


The deceased: Sergeant Johnson - Halo 3


How they bit it

After making gruff quips along the lines of ‘yo momma’ that any 80s buddy character would be proud of, the brave Sarge meets his match in a tiny, comedy robot, who promptly shoots him right in his stogie-chewing face.

Why they deserved to die

Because he gets bested by something that looks like a rejected prop from Batteries Not Included. 343 Guilty Spark is the campest and most wimpy artificial life-form you’ll find this side of C-3PO. Years of military training left Johnson hardened to the rigors of brutal warfare, times of planetary hardship and general strife. But they couldn’t prepare him for the horrifying might of a glorified flying toaster.

How they could have saved their skin


The deceased: The Colossi (Especially the big ones) - Shadow of the Colossus

How they bit it

Stabbed in their special places by something a hundredth of their size until tragic, slow-motion death gives them a long, sloppy kiss.

Why they deserved to die

Because they’re literally massive, if disarming, wimps. Let’s be honest. Anything that’s the size of a skyscraper, made out of stone and weighs more than Marlon Brando (well, before he bit it) and Queen Latifah combined should be pretty much indestructible. And the last time we checked, the definition of indestructible wasn’t falling over in a titanic heap as soon as you feel a little prick from a tiny dude in a dress.

How they could have saved their skin


The deceased: Count Batula - Conker’s Bad Fur Day


How they bit it

After turning Conker into a vampire bat, the Count forces the soused-up squirrel to capture villagers for his giant mincer, so he can enjoy a little late night bloody night cap. Sadly, he becomes so rotund the rope he’s hanging from snaps and the bloated blood sucker falls into his own murderous fast food contraption.

Why they deserved to die

Because he’s a greedy Transylvania tubster who deserves everything his horrible gluttony brings him. Namely, a tortuously painful death. If he could have just resisted being such a fat bastard he could have continued chowing down on tasty terrified villagers for decades to come. But he just had to go super sized. There’s a lesson for you, kids. Eat too much and grim, painful death awaits. Don’t say games aren’t educational.

How they could have saved their skin

56 comments

  • D0CCON - February 14, 2010 2:40 a.m.

    I beat Half Life 2 episode 2 one day before I read this. So glad I managed to avoid that spoiler.
  • gamefreakl1996 - February 14, 2010 1:28 a.m.

    lol, i pissed myself laughing when the first Carmine died, repeating what he said over and over "Guys, my gun wont reload, dammit, stupid gu-sniped" and i know thats not how it goes, but it was funny as hell watching
  • Cwf2008 - October 29, 2009 5:59 a.m.

    Congratulations you guys couldnt take a joke so they removed the entire section about the Carmine getting Beserkered
  • Megajamz - October 28, 2009 11:31 p.m.

    never realised how very much alike the advisor is to the brain alien in starship troopers..
  • JoeMasturbaby - October 28, 2009 9:14 p.m.

    shouldve included the lady from GTA: Chinatown wars. the bitch dies on the first mission and there are no other female characters in the game.
  • EmmaXII - October 28, 2009 1:12 a.m.

    The half life death was sad D: *beware colossi rights movement below* WHY DO THE COLOSSI DESEREVE TO DIE! Theyr jst wondering around minding their own business wen sum JERK (wander is awesome btw) cums around and stabs them (where it hurts) til they die and god knows there too god dam slow to do anything about it! And all 16 awesome thing die to bring back ONE ded gurl!
  • Josh1664 - October 27, 2009 11:44 p.m.

    Carmine dint deserve to die !!, he was a legend lol, he was even back in the second due to popular demand ha ha ha, carmine forever !
  • SilverWerewolf - October 27, 2009 8:32 p.m.

    Nino's death = Ouch. Eli = *shudders* I loved the mean-faced, ruler-carrying teacher in Nino's savior shot. She made me chuckle for a bit.
  • TheLonelyDancer42 - October 27, 2009 8:02 p.m.

    Carmine dies because he is a red-shirt. That's the whole joke. Carmine is a shade of red.
  • bonerachieved - October 27, 2009 3:46 p.m.

    You guys used conker's bad fur day! Sweeeeeet, that game can be put in so many articles. good work guys take care!
  • Dondada - October 27, 2009 5:10 a.m.

    Someone went a lil crazy with the photoshop dont ya think.
  • noobeater - October 26, 2009 10:15 p.m.

    lol you guys are dicks keep running on bout carmine, one person said it so im sure they got the message. i myself thought it was a great article and gears is utter crap anyway :D
  • Rattlehead - October 26, 2009 9:09 p.m.

    I'm suprised the scientist who said "I'll help! Only I know everything!" right before walking into a bunch of trip mines wasn't on here
  • pastycaucasian - October 26, 2009 5:26 p.m.

    It's better for them to be dead then me.
  • michelkeepertje - October 26, 2009 10:05 a.m.

    Little mistake in my comment, Ganondorf should tear the wings of, my bad!
  • michelkeepertje - October 26, 2009 10:02 a.m.

    If there's one gaming character who deserves to die, it's Navi, Zelda fans know him/her/it/whatever-it-is as the anoying fairy from Ocarina of Time, repeating the same stupid messages and when you try to ignore the fairy, you repeatedly hear: "Hey! Hello! Hey!" It's freaking annoying and through the entire game I wished Ganondorf would there the little wings of this annoying bastard! Great article by the way, loved the picture about getting mocked in heaven!
  • Tymiegie - October 26, 2009 3:54 a.m.

    very funny article. Loved the badass toaster bit.
  • Coolbeans69 - October 25, 2009 6:32 a.m.

    lol with all the things about the carmine deaths being a "tradition" in the gears series id like to see epic studios make it so he doesn't die in the next game. Btw it wasn't one of the carmines that ran into the berserker but great article anyway
  • Heyexclamationpoint - October 25, 2009 1:36 a.m.

    If crows were good enough for Hitchcock, then they're good enough for me.
  • KankerRam - October 25, 2009 1:19 a.m.

    what the hell, Carmine brother 2 was killed by the worms stomach acid. The guy that runs into a Berserker is just some random gear.

Showing 1-20 of 56 comments

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