Game characters that deserved to die

The deceased: Eli Vance - Half-Life 2: Episode 2

How they bit it

Poor old Eli gets the back of his head sucked out by an Advisor (Half-Life’s most mysterious and dastardly alien assholes) while trying to protect his daughter Alyx.

Why they deserved to die

Because if he’d just curbed his peg-legged, pipe-wielding heroics for 34 seconds he, Alyx and Gordon would have been saved by DOG. And, more crucially for him, the contents of his tasty brains would be nestling safely in the back of his head, rather than being digested in some fat-assed grub thingy’s stomach.

How they could have saved their skin

The deceased: Nino - The Darkness

How they bit it

Gets so involved in a shootout as he’s hanging out of his vehicle, he fails to notice a truck approaching in the opposite direction. Said truck promptly shut-uppas the wiseguy’s face for good.

Why they deserved to die

For not listening to his teacher in grade school. The first lesson on any well run field trip is keep all your appendages inside the vehicle at all times. Had he listened back then, he’d have known he should have been popping all his caps from the safe confines of the passenger seat. Instead, in the spirit of Mafioso self murder, he chooses to discharge his weapon while his top half hangs out the car, all the while flaunting with oncoming, incredibly conspicuous lorries.

How they could have saved their skin


  • AngryScotsman - October 23, 2009 2:34 p.m.

    Ben Carmine didn't run into the Berserker, that was someone else, Ben was eaten by the riftworm, then by the things in the riftworm.
  • jackburnt - October 23, 2009 2:36 p.m.

    I didn't read the article, but I have a suggestion on how you do your spoilers. Instead of listing the character then the game. Why not put the game at the top? That way if someone hasn't played it yet, they know to skip it. But if someone just reads the name, then later when they play the game, they know he/she dies.
  • axis56 - October 23, 2009 2:50 p.m.

    jackburnt has a point, ive only just started playing half-life 2. i know thats a crime in itself and i probably deserved it but still wouldve saved a plot point. Its nowhere near as bad as when someone told me th ending to the very first saw movie.
  • allthegoodnameswheretaken - October 23, 2009 2:51 p.m.

    Gears of no war Man!
  • Conman93 - October 23, 2009 3:13 p.m.

    Lol forest is a wimp :) Hated killing the colossi. They were so majestic
  • Samael - October 23, 2009 3:30 p.m.

    Yeah, like Scotsman said, Ben Carmine didn't die from a berserker. In fact there were no berserkers in Gears of War 2. So...yeah...
  • nadrewod999 - October 23, 2009 6 p.m.

    The guy who died because of the Berserker in Gears 1 (that is the game they are referencing, people!) was a random COG (the name of the military in the Gears series) who was just too cowardly to stay with a squad of heavily-armed allies, instead running and screaming towards a creature who could only feel the vibrations in the floor as you move and hear you cries for help as it tears you apart, so he was doomed as soon as he got scared.
  • GameManiac - October 23, 2009 6:18 p.m.

    By far, the article with the BEST-fitting pictures. Batteries Not Included is awesome!
  • dannage805 - October 23, 2009 6:46 p.m.

    yea da COG dat got milled by a Berserker was just sum random dude, however he did have the same voice as Carmine, as does nearly ever COG that wears a helmet
  • Ded - October 23, 2009 6:53 p.m.

    Yeah even I'm not a massive GoW fan and I know B. Carmine was killed in GoW2 inside the worm.. True they are marked for death wherever they go, watch C. Carmine get killed in GoW3..
  • jackthemenace - October 23, 2009 7:07 p.m.

    i know everyone else has said it, but ben carmine got killed by the nemecytes inside the riftworm arse... and i do agree with post #2, it would be easier
  • mrandydixon - October 23, 2009 7:29 p.m.

    @jackburnt Great point, I hope they take your advice. Luckily for me, I've already played all the games on this list that I'm interested in... SPOILER I wonder how they'll kill off C and D Carmine?
  • Cyberninja - October 23, 2009 7:57 p.m.

    if your peaceful than you dont desevre to die in the colosis case
  • Blade9450 - October 23, 2009 8:32 p.m.

    Of course you do! If you were a giant lumbering stupid thing who wouldn't want to kill you? Even if it was just to brag to your friends later. That would make up for all the dress-wearing in the world!
  • Yar - October 23, 2009 11:08 p.m.

    Why Kratos on this list? Throughout both of the God of War games, you just get the general impression that he's not only a twat, but also a complete moron, and I say this in full awareness that he could pull of my noggin without breaking a sweat. Then again, I could always distract him with a maths problem and then watch as his head implodes...
  • Yar - October 23, 2009 11:11 p.m.

    Why isn't Kratos on this list? Throughout both God of War games, you can't help but get the feeling that he's not only a complete idiot who brings every trouble upon himself, but also meatheaded twat, and I say this being fully aware that he could rip my noggin off without breaking a sweat. Still, I could always show him a simple maths problem, and watch as his head implodes...
  • Yar - October 23, 2009 11:17 p.m.

    Dangit, double post... this website is lagging like hell for me today... I'll stop now.
  • FETALJUICE - October 23, 2009 11:27 p.m.

    Comparing Sargeant Johnson's death by glorified flying toaster to Forrest' death by zombie crows, its pretty hard to say who had the most humiliating death but I choose Sargeant Johnson's death by glorified flying toaster. It was hilarious the first time I saw it.
  • H311DUCk - October 23, 2009 11:35 p.m.

    R.I.P- Eli Vance
  • Visual217 - October 23, 2009 11:36 p.m.

    Lolz, cool article guys! It always seems that carmine is one to get mauled, sniped, beaten, shot, or any other painful deaths.

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